Little Annoyances

I’ve realized I may never date again. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it’s highly probable. That’s because there are more and more little pet peeves that get to me these days. Maybe it’s because I’m just jaded about the dating pool in this area. Maybe I’m just being overly picky so as to avoid getting close to anyone, thereby avoiding getting hurt. Who’s to say? Not you. Don’t judge me!

Sorry.

Anyway, in the year that I was single and the weeks that I’ve been single this go round I’ve noticed things that turn me completely off. Things that may or may not be a big deal to others—and weren’t a big deal to me at one time but now are deal breakers. Overboard? Perhaps. But these are the things that get a DNA (Do Not Answer) placed beside a guy’s name these days.

Indecisive Men (aka “Come Chill” Guys)
If I say “pick a place” or “let me know what you decide” or “what do you want to do?” the correct answer is not “whatever you want to do,” “I don’t care,” or “your choice.” My choice was to have YOU decide! Fellas, there is a difference between being considerate of a lady’s wishes and simply being unable and/or unwilling to make any kind of plans. And trust, “come to my place and chill” is not plans (unless we’re already dating and comfy like that). Where is the effort in that? All on me, that’s where. Because, if I were to oblige, I’d have to get up, get dressed, use my gas to come to your place and then… What? Watch a movie I coulda watched at home in my undies? Sit idly while you play games or talk to your boys? Refute your pathetic attempts at getting some since you have some silly notion that chilling = smanging? Naw. Just… naw.

Starting with the Pet Names From Jump
If you just got my number/just got your FB friend request accepted, the first message I get from you should not have boo, baby, love, etc. in it. “Tori” works just fine until we’re cool like that. Sweetie is somewhat acceptable unless it’s overused. And I use Hun indiscriminately, but if I guy uses it I kinda give it the side-eye. The pet names show a level of comfort and commonality that I’m just not cool with from the gate. I need a minute to decide if I even like you before I respond to you calling me “boo.” It makes me feel icky.

Text Speak 24/7
How much time are you really saving by typing r instead of are? 2 instead of to/too? Why the heck are you, as a “grown man” writing mii for me? (Or is it my? I don’t even know!) Occasionally is fine, but if I have to pull out a cheat sheet to decode all of your texts, I’ll just stop trying.

Approaching Me Sexually
I think this is one of those older/wiser things. Shamefully, when I was younger, a crass remark would be met with laughter even if I wasn’t really feeling the guy. Can’t explain why; maybe it was some combo of taking the attention as “flattering” and a faltering self-esteem. Or it could’ve just been that I didn’t care that folks knew my sense of humor went all the way to xxx-rated. And yes, it still does, but approaching me like that now on a good day will get you ignored. On a bad day? Cussed clean out. (God ain’t through with me yet LOL) When the first thing a guy has to tell me about is his dick game, it lets me know that’s all you’ve got going for yourself—and it’s probably just delusions of grandeur. Further, I figure he’s probably still living in his mom’s house with no job, no car, and no aspirations save getting someone so dickmatized that she’ll put up with the BS. Again: Naw. Just… naw.

I think there are more. In fact I’m pretty sure of it. But since I don’t want to come off as too crazy picky (and because I’m supposed to be working) I’ll cut it off here. As you’ve gotten older, have you developed more pet peeves when it comes to dating?

Wife Advice: Whose (If Any) Do You Take?

The other Sunday at church I heard a bit of “advice” that I can honestly say I’ve never heard before. While mentioning how Abraham sent his servant out to find a wife for Isaac and how Rebekah offered the servant and his camels water (Gen. 24 if you care to read it), the preacher said, “If you want to be a wife, you have to be a wife before you become one. The Bible says, ‘A man who finds a wife finds a good thing,’ not a man who finds a woman and makes her a wife.” There were plenty of amens and applause of agreement. I wasn’t sure about it.

This flies in the face of the “advice” that I’ve heard repeatedly over the last 27 years, telling me and other young ladies that we “shouldn’t be acting like a wife if you aren’t one.” After all, the logic of this guidance goes, if a man is getting the benefits of having a wife without actually saying “I do,” what’s his incentive to put a ring on it? So you act like a girlfriend until you become Mrs. So-and-So.

BUUUT… There is yet another bit of council out there that says “you don’t know what it is to be a wife until you become one.” So how do I even know if I am stepping out of the girlfriend lane and into the wife role? After all, I don’t know what is and isn’t “wife” duties. Except sex, of course. Which, according to what I heard a few Sundays ago, I should definitely be doing; I want to be a wife, after all. But, wait, wasn’t I supposed to be saving that for after marriage? (Whether I did or didn’t is neither here nor there!) So what/where is the line? And since everyone has different expectations of what a wife does/doesn’t do, whose standard do we apply?

This is one reason why I do not take most relationship advice seriously. Just because someone has an opinion on the best way to maintain a relationship doesn’t mean that I should apply it. Others may use it and it works perfectly for them, but since relationships are made of individuals and no two individuals are alike, it is more than fair to say that what works for some couples won’t necessarily work for others.

If I were to give relationship advice (laughable, I know!) it would be simply:

1.       Know who you are & be yourself. Don’t conform to someone else’s ideals

2.       Know (or at least have a good idea of) what you want & don’t expect someone else to change who they are to fit your ideals

And, by the way, that advice would be to everyone. Men and women. How dare these supposed “relationship experts”—most of whom are only experts in their own minds—hurl all this advice to women and say nothing to the males? As if women are the only ones in/trying to be in relationships! I’ve never heard anyone utter anything about how a man should act if he wants to be a husband.  But whoooooo that’s another topic for another day.

Do you listen to all the advice floating around concerning relationships? Are there certain people’s advice you follow wholeheartedly? Or are you kinda stubborn like me and determined to do it your way—screw-ups and all?

Things My Future Husband Should Know: About Being the Head of the House

Dear future hubby,

It's early on a Thursday morning. You know how I am when I haven't had my coffee yet, so sorry in advance if I ramble.

I had a little epiphany (although the word "epiphany" seems too epic to describe as little, so let's just say a moment of clarity) this morning in which I realized what I want from you concerning this whole "head of the household" thing. That phrase has always kinda rubbed me wrong, even though I've been taught from a child that that's how it's supposed to be. The thought of someone controlling me made me want to hit something and yell, "You're not the boss of me!" After all, isn't marriage supposed to be a partnership?

But I know that I've always liked it when a man takes charge. That's probably due in part to my own indecisiveness, but it also adheres to the confidence and (hopefully) wisdom that I envision a real man possessing. A man who waffles is a liability, IMO, and is likely to get cut off. Since you've made it to being Mr. Tori D. (lol) that's obviously not the case, so congrats.

Anyway, the realization that came was about my part in the equation. Once I actually thought about it, I discovered that my roles in relation to you are the same that I've been playing for others most of my life. Sounding board, out-of-the-box thinker (there has to be a better term for it than that), and cheerleader. On important issues I
want
 need to be in on the decision-making. I want to hear your ideas and share mine. Hopefully we will both agree on the course of action and go from there. If not, it's your responsibility to make the final decision and to live with it. My responsibility is to support that decision. If it works, I'll have the "you were right" cheer ready. If it doesn't, I'm going to rag you a little bit (hey, no point in lying) but then we'll figure out how to regroup and move on.

You being head of the house doesn't lessen my position. It doesn't make me your maid, your secretary, your cook or your pet...
unless we're role-playing but that's for another letter
. We are indeed partners-- in complementing, not competing, positions. Making decisions concerning our finances, kids, worship, household responsibilities, etc. shouldn't be power-plays. Becoming Mrs. Whoever-You-Are means that I obviously trust your judgement, which is why I'll have no little problem letting you take the lead.

Stepping Away from the Search

I actually wrote this post last week, but I didn't post it lest it be seen as a "single woman ranting due to Valentine's Day" post. This ain't that.

Last week I started working on a post called "Sexually Liberated and Looking for Love." It was spurred by several things, one being a post on another blog about love being harder to find since sex is easier to get. I started thinking about it and it made sense. Maybe it didn't pay to be a woman who is open & honest about her sexuality. After all, I was living in a fantasy world, thinking adults could be real with each other about what they wanted and expected. Turns out that's not the case. Just because I can say "Look, this is just going to be sex" or "I want a relationship with you but I'm ready to fuck you now" doesn't mean that everyone is on that level. Folks still feel the need to lie and scheme their way into some pussy. Who knew?! Apparently, everyone else.

So I said, "These prudes must be on to something. Imma put the goodies on lockdown and make a man earn it." Nevermind the self-deprivation involved, or the fact that I know happy couples that got down to business relatively quickly. Not getting it in was gonna get me loved!

But the more I thought about it, the less appealing the whole thing was. Not just the idea of not having sex, but the prospect of looking for love in general. Honestly the whole process is quite tiresome. Yes the initial flirtation is fun, but I'm tired of learning about new people, trying to remember info about who they are and what they like and yadda yadda yadda. Getting used to their idiosyncracies and learning what makes them tick, which is never what makes me or any of the guys from the past tick. Trying to decipher when their silence is out of anger, shyness, sleepiness, boredom... I guess I'm just lazy now, but I'm not trying to do all that.

And I am also willing to admit that after some bad breaks, I'm a little gun-shy. I don't want to be one of those women who drags past hurts into new relationships & assumes that every guy is going to lie, cheat, etc. But I don't want to be naive and suffer the same pain over and over again. I've done that enough. In the words of Amir Sulaiman, I'd "prefer a broken neck to another broken heart."

So the online dating profiles have been removed. The offers from friends to hook me up with someone have been declined. The expectation of love, marriage and a family aren't completely gone, but they've cooled significantly. My time, energy and passion are going into my work and myself. I'd rather invest in a future with the one and only person I can count on to be there for me--myself--than waste time on a temporary feeling with a man who may be gone the next time the wind blows.

Afternoon Quickie: Someone Like You? No Thanks.

Y'all probably don't know just how much I love Adele. (Ironically, "Rolling In the Deep" began playing as I started this post. Pandora be knowin'!)  Her voice is beautiful, and the whole "I'm gonna just sit on this stool and sing, and you're gonna like it" vibe is everything to me in the midst of all these part-time strippers who just happen to sing.

I belt out all the songs on 19 and 21, and when things w/ Marcus (he doesn't deserve the mr. madrigal nickname) suddenly crashed & burned, I found myself all in my feelings with "Someone Like You." It was the perfect theme song to what had happened. "Nevermind! I'll find someone you" I sang through a face full of tears and snot. I don't need you; I can get another you!

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't want someone like him. After all, he turned out to be emotionally immature and--how do I say this nicely--unable to effectively communicate in an honest manner, even when presented with the opportunity to do so without consequence. (That's a pretty nice way of saying "liar," right?) So why would I want someone like him? To deal with that mess again? Umm, no! But I would like someone like his representative. You know, the person I met before I saw the man behind the mask. Someone with his positive traits, as well as the things I liked about some folks from the past. Someone not at all like him; instead, someone who is his own man who can fulfill the lingering promises of love.

"Someone Like the Person I Thought You Were" isn't really a catchy title, though.

Morning Quickie: Real Friends Call You Out on Your Ish

I am so thankful for my friends. Even though they can work my nerves sometimes, they are there for me when I need them.

Case in point: ex-bestie. We haven't talked in forever. He's the one that I "broke up" with over my hair. But he called last night to catch up. Of course the first topic of discussion was relationships. I let him know about no longer being with Bartender and about the situation with Mr. Madrigal. (I won't go into it, but basically it doesn't look like that is going anywhere. Oh well.) Fortunately I was over it when we talked, due to a sermon that was meant just for me. Ex-bestie basically ripped me a new butthole. After laughing at me--like a real, from-the-gut laugh--he said, "Tori you know what I realized? You're a hopeless romantic in a bitter shell! I mean, I always knew it, but it just hit me again!" Well dayum dude, WTF? I couldn't argue with him too much, because I knew he was right... With the exception of the bitter part. I'm not bitter, just guarded until someone appears to be worth letting that guard down.

Anyway, we talked most of the night, about that and my other relationships, as well as his. Don't worry, I called him out on some things too! But the whole convo made me appreciative for the folks who know me well enough to listen sympathetically to my stories of woe and still tell me when I need to get myself together. He hasn't earned the "bestie" title back by any means, and I refuse to discuss hair with him ever again, but it feels good to know that someone is still there for me when I need it most.

In Another Blogger's Words...

2011 ended on a high for me, but that high was a set up. This first week of 2012 has been way way low. Ten miles til empty low. Journey to the Center of the Earth low. Barry White's voice low (but without all the implied sexiness). I may or may not have been a weepy, almost catatonic mess for the past two days. I may or may not have written several emo poems, letters and short stories. And I may or may not have called and texted even when I promised myself that I wouldn't because "I don't chase dick, I don't care who it is!" (A statement that I have proudly proclaimed many times before.)

Anyway, as I'm going through my blogroll that was neglected during those five reality-free days, I came across a post on This Single Life. I haven't been following the blog for long, but always enjoy the posts. This particular post, "My Muchness Pt. II" started with a quote from a 2010 post. She states:

You made yourself think this is someone special because you liked them, but liking them doesn’t make them special, it doesn’t make them good at dating, it doesn’t make you good at dating and simply liking someone doesn’t promise that it’s going to work out.

Well damn, lady, just tell my whole story why dontcha. And actually she did. When I went back to read "My Muchness" I was kinda surprised at some of the parallels between what she was dealing with then and what I'm feeling now. So I won't even try to verbalize what is going on in my head right now. The words of another blogger can speak for me this time.

"The Waiting Game"

It's been a long time since I posted some poetry, huh? Well this poem is still very rough, very new... But I felt the need to get it out there since it's relevant now. By the time it appears in a book (it is coming... one day....) it'll be polished.

my least favorite game is the waiting game,
mainly because i'm impatient
so i always lose.
but also because i don't know the rules...
how long do i wait?
what to do til then?
and if i wait too long do i lose or do i win?
i think of a hundred things
that could have been done better,
that could have been said sweeter
or not at all.
while sitting there, waiting for that call
i'm a nervous wreck
so sure that he's already moved on to the next
and i've only played myself.
during the waiting game it feels like he has
the upper hand
since i leave it to the man to make the move.
but what if i do?
if i make a move instead
i lose the waiting game
but may get closer to my prize...
still, i stay paralyzed
mostly out of fear
and somewhat out of pride.
i check the phone again
but i refuse to dial;
i'm playing the waiting game,
and i'll win,
or lose,
after a while.

Update on the Online Dating

I figured Id give a little update on the whole online dating thing. It was interesting, to say the least! My time on Plenty of Fish lasted about two weeks total. Within that time I exchanged messages with a few people, but only two got my number. The experiences with those two guys were about as different as they could possibly be. Seriously, I got the extremes of the spectrum! So, here goes.

The bad Awful HORRIBLE >_<

I gave my number to a guy who said he was moving to the area in January to go to school. From the messages that he sent online, he seemed like a decent guy so I figured it would be okay. From the minute I sent my number, he was texting and calling. Pressedness isnt cute at all, so that got the side-eye immediately. But I let it slide and talked to him once. Almost immediately his conversation delves into what he wants to do sexually. It really caught me off guard. Everyone knows I'm not shy at all about sex, but daaaang, I was not ready. After I finally got him to take the convo in a different direction, he asked if Id ever been in an interracial relationship. After I said no he told me that hed dated a black woman once and loved it because the sex was amazing. *sigh* Then he makes the fatal mistake of saying there's something so mysterious about black women and black women just know how to ride dick better because of their fat asses. DUDE, ARE YOU FUCKIN SERIOUS?! To avoid going all the way off on this fool (he really wasnt worth me getting a headache over) I got off the phone to do some work. As I'm trying to go, he starts asking begging me to send pix. But not just any pix; oh no. He wants to see how big those tits are and how fat that ass is. And even after the firm no he kept asking, on some please, baby, please shit. I dismissed him and got off the phone. And the icing on this WTF cake? The second we got off the phone, he sends an unsolicited dick pic. WHHHYYYYYY?! and since he sent it I feel I have the right to critique it. One, if you have to hold your gut back to see it, you shouldn't be proud enough to send it. Two, if you have a small member, it would be wise not to have a whole forest around it, as that only makes it look smaller. Three, it was pink, and pink penises disturb my soul. I almost threw my phone. Soooo yeah, clearly that was the end of that.

The Good Great Wonderful ^_^
I'm not gonna go into a whole lot of detail since he may read this one day and I don't want his head to get any bigger. LOL This is the guy that I said had potential in the last post. Mr. Madrigal (yes, he already has a nickname) was one of the few guys that sent something other than a hey when he first contacted me. We pretty much clicked from jump. I really like that we share some of the same life goals and beliefs. So far he appears to possess all the attributes I need/want in a man, which makes me very happy. But since were still in the getting to know you phase I'm trying not to get too excited too soon. That's hard for me, but I'm trying! But I do hope that Mr. Madrigal is around for a (long) while.

Sooo yeah, that's been my experience so far. If things don't work out as I hope, I may try online dating again, but not Plenty of Fish. I'll be taking L. Michelle's advice and trying a paid site. But *fingers crossed* I'm thinking that wont be necessary.

Tori D. Does Online Dating; Romance Does Not (Yet?) Ensue

About a week ago I decided to join a dating site. There was nothing in particular that prompted the decision, I just wanted to see what was out here. After all, its kinda becoming clear that Mr. Right isn't roaming the halls at work or coming down the aisle at church I'm not trying to seriously get with Mr. Lemme Holla At Ya from the club. This couldn't hurt so I figured why not. I joined Plenty of Fish because I'm cheap and its free so I felt like I had nothing to lose. Set up my little profile almost immediately I started getting messages. Hey, not bad, right?

But what I found was... Well, the same thing I found offline. By day two I was talking to an English teacher who seemed pretty cool down to earth. He hadn't been in an interracial relationship before his profile said he was divorced. But that night his wife--who missed the divorced memo her husband was sending out to others--let me know she was not pleased with him chatting up black women for potential relationship. Considering my propensity to unknowingly attract married men, this wasnt surprising.

I can't count how many messages I've gotten that only said "hi." Of course those got no response. I've been propositioned by an Irishman who wants to do a big black chick. I've run across some profiles of folks who sounded great... except that I already knew them. One particular profile really got me; the profile pic looked nice, dude had on shades. But after looking at other pix I realized that he was a former teacher of mine. *retches at the thought* And I've seen more profiles of men 30+ who list their professions as "hustling" or "I get money" than I anticipated. (I mean seriously, isn't there an age limit on that type of foolishness?)

It hasn't been all freaks and geeks though. One guy has potential: he's cute, we've been having good conversations, no weirdness so far. He falls into two of the three strikes category off jump--he's younger than me but not by much, and he's a good 4 hours away which is creeping into long-distance territory--but I still wanna give him a chance. Hopefully he'll give me a chance though; turns out he is not a fan of tattoos. *looks down at my four-month old tat* Welp...

And there's another guy who meets all the requirements as far as I know. His picture may or may not have been one of the deciding factors in me signing up for POF. He sent one of those "I want to meet you" messages they have, and I finally worked up the nerve to write him back. But I'm just not into this whole Imma-send-one-message-a-day-so-it-may-take-a-year-before-I-get-around-to-asking-for-your-number thing he has going on. No rush and no pressure, but it just doesn't seem like something one would do if they were interested in getting to know someone. So there are no expectations there.

Will I continue online dating? Meh, we'll see. I may be too critical of things like spelling and grammar to be successful at this. After all, I don't think we can be together if you don't know the difference between quit, quite and quiet. I'm judging! But I will give it a decent try. Wish me luck!

Oh yeah, three other little fun facts:

1. Guys, it's okay to smile. For some of you it will make you look friendly and attractive. For others, it will make you look less like someone who ties people up in a basement and set their arm hair on fire. O_0 So work on that.


2. I know many of you like to hunt (this is the south after all), but pictures with dead animals just make me sad. And a little nauseated if I can see the fresh bullet hole. Let's not do that.


3. So damn near everyone that has messaged me claims to be 6' or taller. So why do I always run into guys my height and shorter? Hmmm...

Have any of you tried online dating? Did you find the man/woman of your dreams or a freakin' nightmare? What are your thoughts on online dating?

Sometimes, It's Just Sex For Us Girls, Too!

Every now and then, something happens that has me literally laughing out loud and shaking my head. I'll run into someone who I previously *ahem* had relations with. And when I say previously, I mean years ago. Yet, when we see each other again, they automatically assume one (or both) of two things: 1) because we messed around in the past, I must still want that, and 2) I must've wanted (and still want) something more, like an actual relationship.

I don't know why this is. I'm gonna chalk it up to male ego. But may I let you fellas in on a little secret? Sometimes, women just want sex. GASP! Amazing, right? To think, a woman could simply use a man to get her rocks off! I know, I'll give you a moment to compose yourselves.

Why am I making a big deal out of this bringing this up? Well I thought about J. Cole's song "Work Out" and a tweet that one of my sorors sent "So I'm listening to Work Out - J Cole why can't a female tell a dude alla that and not be judged." If you're unfamiliar with the song, J. Cole raps/sings

Straight up, now tell me do you really wanna love me forever
Oh, oh, oh
Or is it just a hit and run
(Well, hey)
Straight up I tell ya I just really wanna cut when we together
Oh, oh, oh
Come here girl, let's get it on

I went through the recent and not so recent songs that I could recall. Although there are plenty of songs with women singing about sex, I could not think of one in which a woman explicitly announces that she is only using a man physically. (If you think of one, feel free to let me know in the comments.) Yet there are plenty of songs out there about guys being after the pussy and nothing more. Despite the sexual revolution that we have undergone, society still shuns the woman who acknowledges her desire just for sex from a man. We have a love/hate relationship with female sexuality. A woman can enjoy sex, talk about it freely, but if she doesn't attach some type of emotional desire to her paramour she's considered a slut. Meanwhile, guys are excused because "that's just what they do."

Maybe that's why men automatically assume that there is some sort of desire burning for them in your heart. LMAO For my former "buddies," let me be clear: You served your purpose. If there were repeated hookups you obviously served them well. But if I wanted more from you, the nature of our relationship would've been totally different. You simply had the anatomical tools (no pun intended) to take care of the job. Don't expect an automatic rehire.

Quote of the Day

I have read and heard a lot of discussion lately about love, marriage and divorce that have caused me to re-evaluate how I look at relationships. The brouhaha over Will and Jada's rumored separation yesterday was the icing on the cake. Many people seemed to think that there was no more hope for black love/black marriage/the black family. "If Will & Jada can't make it, how can weeee?" they wondered. But I was fortunate to read several comments on different sites that proved everyone hadn't lost it. My favorite basically said that all marriages end, whether by divorce or by death. People change, and sometimes those changes result in the end of a relationship. The commenter said that if his marriage ended, it wouldn't be a failed marriage, just one that had come to an end. That statement made me think of this quote, one of my favorites about love and relationships:

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”
 - Somerset Maugham

I hope and pray that when I marry, it is forever and that we can "continue to love a changed person." But I understand that it may not work out that way. The growth and evolution that each of us undergoes throughout life may eventually take us down different paths. I'd still put in work to make the marriage last, of course; there's no excuse not to do that. But if it doesn't work out, it's okay, even though I'm sure it would still hurt like hell.

What are your thoughts on this quote or the words of the commenter?

Morning Quickie: Is Bad Sex a Deal Breaker?

Picture it: You have a great partner, maybe even "The One." The spark is strong between the two of you. You've seen each other through difficult times, which ended up strengthening your bond. You genuinely enjoy each others company and emotional needs are met. Everything seems great, except for one thing. When it comes to physical intimacy, something's lacking. Either it's too infrequent, doesn't last long enough to satiate you, beyond your comfort zone, or possibly they just don't get you there. Is that enough to walk away from an otherwise beautiful relationship?

We often hear that certain things (like sex) are "little" in the grand scheme of a relationship. But in all honestly, those little things add up to make the person we love--or don't. And one person's "little thing" is a major issue for another. Sexual compatibility and fulfillment are major in an adult relationship. Along with that is the importance of knowing how to communicate our needs and desires, as well as any concerns. There may be any number of things that could be affecting a couple's sex life: health issues, stress, not being clear on what the other person wants (again, this is why communication is so important). And most of these issues can be fixed.

But what if it's none of those things; is that enough to make you call things off or can you work with that as long as everything else is good? Or let's flip it. Maybe the sex is good but they aren't at a financial level that you are comfortable with. Or possibly they have all of the traits you are looking for, but you can't stand their friends! What is your deal breaker in a relationship?

Thoughts on My First Getting Married

Today I heard through the grapevine (aka, my Big Momma) that my first, Mr. Magic Voice, recently got married. Although I am in my own relationship and happy most of the time, I gotta admit that it did hit me kinda hard. I'd held out a little hope that he would come back for me, as silly as it sounds.

My first was a loooong time ago, before I was able to separate sex and emotions. Even though we weren't actually in a relationship, I was in something like love. He moved out of town but would come back to visit every now and then. When I first seriously considered moving to Houston, the possibility of running into him and having something spark was in the back of my mind. Now I'm wondering would that have happened if I had moved, or if I'd be looking crazy and hurt like I was after he left me in 10th grade. And there are other questions... Did he ever see anything special in me, or was I just new pussy? Why did he keep coming back all those times if he didn't feel anything for me? Was it just being nice or something? Am I crazy that I still kinda pine for him? (I think the answer is "slightly.") Shouldn't every feeling for him be dead just like they are for the others I've been with? Is she prettier than me?! (Yeah I know it's shallow but I wanna know!) Would the sex be good if he and I had hooked up again? Why the heck did he come back to Jackson to get married? Is she the reason he stopped answering his phone back when I first started thinking about Houston? Do they sing together like we used to do?

Is there some kinda support group for this? I need to know I'm not the only one who still kinda thinks about their first. Have any of you had your first (or someone you thought was "The One" or whatever) get married and it wasn't to you? Lemme know... I'm dealing, but barely. Imma go eat ice cream now...

Shallow or Smart?

Straight to the point today: Can a blue-collar guy and a white-collar woman have a successful relationship?

[caption id="attachment_1170" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Are there any possible couples in this group?"][/caption]

So many women want men with degrees, making six figures, pushing something nice and living somewhere lavish. Can't front, I want that too. The future I always saw was with an attorney, professor or business owner, with frequent dinner parties, networking/charity events and trips abroad. I'm (sorta kinda) on my way to that on my own, so why not want someone who can only advance that? I could just see a well-bred, well-read man from a well-to-do family and with a couple of degrees by my side.

Then I met the current SO and things shifted. He was a "regular joe," without degrees or cultured tastes. He was a (wonderful) bartender, and although having a man who's great with a shaker is ideal, it would be even better if that was just a hobby. It made me think about this article on Clutch, where the writer is apprehensive to share where her crush worked. Yet here we are a year and a half later and I'm trying to figure out can this really work. Do I want to make this work? Would it work better or easier with someone who is "on my level"?

No, I didn't say that I think he's not on my level. That came from a conversation with my parents about him. They don't think he is. Disregard the fact that my dad has never been on my mom's "level" even according to his own definition, but somehow they've made it work. Yet, I do fear reliving some of the same things I've seen growing up: the exasperation of trying to explain different things or why certain things are important. Being limited to what we can do because one person isn't pulling in enough money for extras. Becoming homebodies because someone doesn't have any interests outside of what's on television. I don't want that life!

Sometimes that is the future I see for us and I'm scared out of my mind. Then other times, when we talk about what he wants to do to improve his life, I think we can have some of that dream I've always wanted. I just don't know if letting this go in hopes of something better (especially when nothing better has presented itself) would be shallow or smart on my part.

Houston, We Have a Problem

Saturday night, something shifted concerning my relationship. It seemed kinda minor at the time, but two days later and it's still bothering me.

Bartender and I were talking, and somehow the topic of foreigners came up in the convo. I don't really remember what he said, but I responded, "Oh my God, you sound like a friggin Tea Partier!"

"Huh?"

"You sound like a Tea Partier!"

"Tea Partier? What do you mean?"

"You mean, you don't know about the Tea Party?"

"Yeah, I know about the Boston Tea Party when they threw the tea in the ocean, but it sounded like you meant some new party that took on that name."

"Umm yeah, I do!"

So then he gives the excuse that he's not really into politics. Neither am I, but dang, they've been everywhere since President Obama has been in office! Then he said he doesn't watch the news. At all. I side-eyed the hell outta him. I've never thrown shade so hard at a significant other who was still a significant other. I refrained from asking him if he was aware of the earthquake and tsunami that happened in Japan the day before, or the recent uprisings in Egypt and Libya. My head and heart couldn't take it.

because O_O and O_o aren't even enough for this one

I'm guilty of not being as aware of some of the things that go on in the world because I don't like watching the news either, but I do watch it at least once a day. And I'm reading news articles throughout the day at work, when I'm not blogging/tweeting/doing side work instead of actually working. I keep up if for no other reason than the fact that I don't want to be left out and looking stupid when others are discussing current events. Plus, I realize that I need to know what's going on and how I may be affected.

Why doesn't he get that?! And how the heck did I miss this before falling for him? Am I one of those stupid smart women who go through that whole "love is blind" crap?

So now I'm stuck in a quandary. Do I let it go or what? Even though it doesn't seem like much, apparently to my subconscious this is a big deal. Otherwise I wouldn't still be peeved about it. Then again, maybe it's just much ado about nothing. After all, it's not like he's stupid. Our discussions of history and philosophical conversations are great; however, willful ignorance is never attractive. And speaking of attraction, being able to discuss and debate issues with an SO is so sexy to me! That mental stimulation translates to sexual stimulation for me (which is why I'm careful who I debate LOL) and that's missing... So if/when the physical attraction wears off, then what? Yeah we share the same humor and have a good time together, but is that enough?

When he saw how dismayed I was with his lack of concern about the world--or even the country--at large, he said, "I guess I need to change that huh?" -_- Sir, you are ten years my senior. You are the proverbial old dog that cannot be taught new tricks. Besides, if the change is only for me, there are three possible outcomes: A: you revert back because you weren't interested in the first place; B: you end up resenting me; or C: both.

This whole little incident made me wonder if we could truly fit into each other's lives as well as we think we do. Could he really fit in and hold his own with my colleges when I'm at dinner parties and charity events of various orgs? (I'm thinking about the future right now y'all.) Would he even want to? And even though I'm used to him and his ways, how much of the IDGAF attitude could I take? How long would it be before his hood friends rubbed me the wrong way? Or worse yet, what if they rubbed off on me and caused me to make missteps career-wise?

I know I can't have it all, so I'm trying to push out the thought of "he'd be perfect if..." After all, I'm sure he has some "ifs" about me too. But the real issue is figuring out what's important enough to walk away over, and what's small enough to overlook. Right now, I really don't know which one this is.

On Marriage... Again

Bartender and I have had several discussions on marriage. Although he seems to be opening up to the idea of marriage, there was a conversation that left me thinking. (Let me stop here and note that I have not been trying to convince him to marry me; I've got too much pride and too many options to beg for something like that! LOL) The majority of the conversations have been about why he was fearful or weary of marriage. He gave the typical "Women change/stop giving head/having sex on the regular" excuse for the longest, before finally saying that the commitment was huge and not something that he'd want to go into lightly.

Understandable.

But then he asked me, "Why do you want to get married? What's the benefit for you?"

Initially I wanted to dismiss it as a silly rebuttal, but once I thought about it I had to ask myself the same thing. Really, what is the benefit of me getting married? If I was thinking of starting a family, I would definitely want to be married; but kids are out. Can't really say it's for the financial security; I'm working on that on my own. Plus the likelihood of marrying someone whose credit is as high or higher than mine is low, so that would mean I'd take a hit. I love the emotional security that marriage is supposed to afford, but we all know that marriage is no guarantee of that (just like not being married doesn't mean you won't have it). Tax break? Meh, from what I've read it doesn't amount to a whole lot. I've got insurance from work, got guns for protection. And of course I could look at it from the religious standpoint of needing to be married to do the do without working about eternal dayumation and hell fire, but considering my... evolving religious beliefs, I'm not sure how that ties in. Plus, wouldn't marrying just to have sex be wrong? While I still need a man, what is the need for a husband?

But like so many things, even though I feel like I don't need it, I want it. The "want" of marriage for me is knowing that I have such a strong connection (spiritually, physically and mentally) with someone that he is willing to say "You make me so happy that I want to stand before God and the world, vowing to make this work until I take my last breath."

Bartender says I'm still young and naive to how the world works. I tell him that marriage, like anything else, is what one makes of it.

pic courtesy of iamsassychic.com

ghosts of exes past

It started again, as it so often does.

This time, it began with an innocent "Happy holidays" email.

Then it was an email to check on me, because he knows that this season is rough, considering what happened.

That lead to me looking him up on Facebook, just to see what he's been doing.

Then came the texts with the pet names....

Psycho Ex and I go through this back and forth periodically. It starts off like this, then we become friends again. I let my guard down and we get close. I realize he's trying to have his cake and eat it too--again--and tell him to kiss ass. We don't talk for months. Then an email....

Yesterday it was a "Thinking of you" text. After I didn't respond, I got this today:

I know u told me not to contact you again but i do still think about you and always hope you're doing well. Really impossible for me not 2 think of u.

*sigh* WHY LAWD?!

I want so bad to cuss him out and make him hate me, but something in me stops me from doing that. I can't say I still love him, but I did, and that truth is what makes it so hard. In some other relationships I realized that it was just infatuation so it was no big deal to say eff it. But even when I told him to lose my number there was still some hesitation. And this was almost a year after the big blowup that happened years after we were done!

But this time, I'm ready to end this little back and forth. I haven't engaged in any conversation other than a "same to you and your family" to the Happy New Year/hope all is well texts. I just can't get sucked into the back and forth. Every time I see his (unsaved) number pop up, I think about his wife and have 101 questions. Does she know he still feels this way about me, still contacts me? Has she just accepted that that's the way it is? How does he rationalize his actions in his mind? If we were together, who would he be texting on the side? Would I be so blind?

The answers to those questions really don't even matter at this point. This is a chapter in my life that should have been over long ago. You can't run from the past, can't undo it. But he's a lie if he thinks I'm ready to repeat it.

Could You Be A SisterWife?

Sunday night, while flipping through channels, I ran across Sister Wives. From seeing the commercials, I'd already formed my opinion of the women who had agreed to be a part of this polygamist marriage. These women are dumb. This is just a way for dude to get more ass. They must have low self-esteem (because they were all a bit homely... I'm just saying). Dude ain't even cute enough for that!
So I watched the show to get a better understanding. Of course they were Mormons and most of them had grown up in polygamist families so to them it was nothing. Between the three women, there were 12 children with one on the way. The man was also courting wife #4 who already had 3 kids. The current sister wives explained the "benefits" of having other wives. Basically they had someone to watch the kids when they were having sexy-time with their 1/4 of a husband. O_o (If there were other benefits mentioned, I missed them. Really, all I heard was that there was always someone to watch the kids.) Isn't that what friends and teenage girls in need of money are for, to babysit?

At the end of the show, I had one question: WHY? I still didn't get the purpose. They didn't seem like they were pooling money and getting rich (from what I saw, only the guy and one of the moms worked--plus with all those kids you know their grocery and clothing bills are a beast). None of them were bisexual (at least, not that they mentioned) so it wasn't like they're getting another partner out of the deal, just another "sister." They all still had a ton of responsibility considering the ridiculous number of kids they had. The house wasn't all that big... What was the benefit?

Fast forward to last night. I'm at Bartender's place while he and a friend are chilling & Bartender asks the guy to explain what they had been discussing a few nights earlier. His friend proceeds to talk about how he asked his "lady friends" about coming together in a similar type set up. From the way he was talking, they apparently know about each other. He was reasoning that if they all pooled their money together to live in one location, they would cut down on rent, he wouldn't have to spend as much time away from them or as much money on travel (since most of them are in different states), and they would always have someone their to watch their kids. He looked at it as a wealth-building venture, with the added bonus of having all his pussy in one place. He also made mention of how "back in the day, in Africa, it was normal for a man to have a bunch of wives." Needless to say, the majority of his lady friends were not having it.

And then, while writing this post, I came across this blog post about an Alpha Female in polygamous relationships.

Some may side eye the hell outta me, but I gotta admit, some of it makes sense. I mean, if the women already know about each other, why not use each other to their advantage? Of course, I'd vote to make it even: if a man can have multiple wives, it would only seem fair that a woman could have multiple husbands, should she desire that. Not saying that this kind of arrangement would work for me, but to an extent, it may have it's advantages.

So what say you? Could you be a "sister wife" (or "brother husband" for the fellas)? Are there any circumstances under which you would even consider it? What do you think of those that practice this lifestyle?

What Would You Do?

This weekend I was presented with some soap-worthy drama that I have no idea how to handle.

I have a friend who has recently gotten married and had a baby. I didn't know much about the guy although I'd seen him around before, but other friends expressed their concern that dude was a dog. From brief interaction with him, I knew he was a flirt, but I didn't learn the extent of his actions until Saturday.

While talking to a good friend, this guy came up. She told me that a mutual friend of ours met him one night at a club where his band was playing. She asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no, he was single. Long story short: they have a one-night stand, she feels awful & avoids him. One day she & some others run into the couple (while the wife was still pregnant); he plays the "we just met" game. Then he texts her around 5-something in the morning one day, asking if he can come over "to chill." She tells him off & that's that. Later, she finds out that was right after his wife had the baby.

I won't even get into how he tried to get back at another friend of mine who he used to mess around with & tried to holla at again right after getting married....

Basically he's f*cked over two of my friends, and only one of them knows it. He shouldn't get away with that.

So now I'm trying to decide whether I should tell his wife or not. Like I stated, she's a friend. As sweet as she is, she definitely doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. And if he's trying to bone two other folks that I know of, imagine how many he may be messing with that I don't know about! I'd hate for him to bring her something she can't get rid of, if ya know what I mean.

And just to add the icing to the cake: I used to talk to this guy's cousin a good little while back. I don't want it to seem like some kind of delayed, roundabout revenge because it's absolutely nothing like that. This could be a whole can of worms that I definitely don't want to get entangled in.

So what would you do? Tell her and let whatever happens happen? Keep your mouth shut and hope for the best? Only say something should she mention it? Confront the guy?