Sometimes, It's Just Sex For Us Girls, Too!

Every now and then, something happens that has me literally laughing out loud and shaking my head. I'll run into someone who I previously *ahem* had relations with. And when I say previously, I mean years ago. Yet, when we see each other again, they automatically assume one (or both) of two things: 1) because we messed around in the past, I must still want that, and 2) I must've wanted (and still want) something more, like an actual relationship.

I don't know why this is. I'm gonna chalk it up to male ego. But may I let you fellas in on a little secret? Sometimes, women just want sex. GASP! Amazing, right? To think, a woman could simply use a man to get her rocks off! I know, I'll give you a moment to compose yourselves.

Why am I making a big deal out of this bringing this up? Well I thought about J. Cole's song "Work Out" and a tweet that one of my sorors sent "So I'm listening to Work Out - J Cole why can't a female tell a dude alla that and not be judged." If you're unfamiliar with the song, J. Cole raps/sings

Straight up, now tell me do you really wanna love me forever
Oh, oh, oh
Or is it just a hit and run
(Well, hey)
Straight up I tell ya I just really wanna cut when we together
Oh, oh, oh
Come here girl, let's get it on

I went through the recent and not so recent songs that I could recall. Although there are plenty of songs with women singing about sex, I could not think of one in which a woman explicitly announces that she is only using a man physically. (If you think of one, feel free to let me know in the comments.) Yet there are plenty of songs out there about guys being after the pussy and nothing more. Despite the sexual revolution that we have undergone, society still shuns the woman who acknowledges her desire just for sex from a man. We have a love/hate relationship with female sexuality. A woman can enjoy sex, talk about it freely, but if she doesn't attach some type of emotional desire to her paramour she's considered a slut. Meanwhile, guys are excused because "that's just what they do."

Maybe that's why men automatically assume that there is some sort of desire burning for them in your heart. LMAO For my former "buddies," let me be clear: You served your purpose. If there were repeated hookups you obviously served them well. But if I wanted more from you, the nature of our relationship would've been totally different. You simply had the anatomical tools (no pun intended) to take care of the job. Don't expect an automatic rehire.

Using What You've Got

*I originally posted this at Skirt.com, where I am now writing as a Skirtsetter! Give the site a visit if you haven't already.

We've all heard the phrase "Use what you've got until you get what you want." It is sound advice, and is applied to many areas of life. But how far should that go? According to a new book, that includes using your feminine wiles to get ahead at work. Catherine Hakim, who is a research fellow at the London School of Economics, has written a book titled Erotic Capital: the Power of Attraction in the Boardroom and Bedroom. In this book, she says six qualities (beauty, sex appeal, social grace, liveliness, social presentation, and sexual competence) combine to create erotic capital. However, she insists that it does not involve sleeping your way to the top.

From The Daily Beast:
Hakim defines erotic capital as more than just sex: a combination of beauty, style, social skills, and charm that can be learned (or, shall we say, bought). If that means spending a fortune on brand-name clothes, so be it—because erotic capital is as important in today’s workplace, she says, as intelligence or skill. Dieting and exercise? That should be a given, because nobody wants to hire the overweight. Tanning, hair dye—even cosmetic surgery. Those are all necessary evils if you’re really driven to make it to the top, says Hakim. (Perfume and high heels also have been known to do the trick.)

“Anyone, even quite an ugly person, can be attractive if they just have the right kind of hairstyle, clothes, and present themselves to the best effect,” Hakim tells The Daily Beast. “This isn’t a frivolous spending of money. It has real benefits.”  As a famous cosmetics creator once put it: “There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.”

Not having read the book, I can't give a full and effective critique of this line of thinking. However, I do have some concerns that I hope the book addresses. The main thing that stood out to me was that it seems to assume that a straight male is the one who determines how far a woman goes in a company. Will she address other possibilities, or is her ideology based solely on heteronormativity and correlating gender roles?

I would also like to read the author's discussion on how this erotic capital comes into play when dealing with sexual harassment. Yes, we all know that harassment and assaults occur even when there is no provocation. But we do not live in an ideal world; the victim's behavior, dress, attitude, etc. all comes under scrutiny when there are claims of sexual harassment. Could this erotic capital be an additional problem for those facing this issue?

To a lesser extent, I'm curious as to whether Ms. Hakim foresees any potential rifts between those who go through the more traditional channels of advancement and those using erotic capital. Surely they would not see each other the same, nor would they be viewed the same by others in the company. What could that mean for those who follow her suggestion, and how can they avoid or overcome that?

Just off of general principle I can't say that I agree with this idea. Yes, of course you should look your best, exude confidence, etc. but shouldn't that be done for yourself? I'll let my work and attitude speak for me on the job, and save the exotic capital for getting out of speeding tickets.

Ladies do any of you use your "erotic capital" at work or do you know someone who does? How has it affected them career-wise and emotionally? If you don't, do you think this is something you would try? Speak out!

Hot Links-7.8.11

We start with something truly outrageous. Michelle Bachman, along with other Republicans, has signed a pledge that states Black children were better off during slavery. No, I didn't mistype that. They said that BLACK CHILDREN WERE BETTER OFF DURING SLAVERY. Yeah, because that whole forced labor, selling people off like cattle, separating homes, beating for no dayum reason, raped by Massa with no recourse gig Blacks had back then was ideal. Cheryl Contee over on Jack & Jill Politics discusses.

Then something a little sobering--at least for me. Jozen Cummings (Until I Get Married) shares his thoughts as he approaches 30 and is facing something that I am thinking about as well: Switching Careers. I'm glad he did; he put my own thoughts and feelings about the subject into a much more coherent post than what I have sitting in draft right now! His discussion of talent vs. skill really hit me.

Fortunately the other links are not as heavy:

Clutch Magazine featured two interesting articles. Bisexuality vs. Sexual Fluidity covers a topic that I have had great fun debating with others, and Morning Motivation: This Far again spoke to where I currently am and the situation I'm dealing with.

Nothing is New on The Good Atheist discusses the discovery of what is believed to be a gay or transsexual caveman. Y'all don't even know how bad I wish History Channel, Discovery Channel, LOGO, someone would make a special about this! My curiosity is piqued.

Finally, over at Awesomely Luvvie, we're treated with The Bible, as Told in 2053. Or Through Blogs. I really don't even know what to tell you about this; you just have to read it for yourself. As I tweeted earlier, #slain, and #resurrected. Miss Luvvie is a certifiable fool!

 

So, ladies and gents, that's what's going on in my reader. What hot links have you come across this week?

The Talk--America's Doing It Wrong

Did your parents ever sit down and have "the talk" with you?

When I was 16 my parents asked if I had any questions about sex. I didn't. There was no discussion of how it works, methods of preventing pregnancy and STDs, the emotional issues that go along with it. They simply reminded me that sex was "wrong" and "don't do it." Yeah, I knew that I'd been told sex was bad (but magically became good once you say "I do") but that didn't stop me from doing it-- two years prior to the non-talk "talk."

I've asked a couple of my friends, and none of them recall having the notorious talk that parents are supposedly so scared of. (Maybe they're so scared that they skip it altogether?) There was the "don't do it" speech for most of them, and the "we're just gonna put you on birth control & hope for the best" move for a few others. While this passive approach may seem like the answer for apprehensive parents, how is it working out for the kids?

Well, it looks like it's not. Not for teens in America, at least. Research recently done by sociologist Amy Schalet compares the difference in approach to teen sexuality in America and European countries. In her article, "Sex, Love and Autonomy in the Teenage Sleepover," she states, "American adolescent sexuality has been dramatized instead of normalized."  The results of this? A high rate of teen pregnancy, abortion, and transmission of STDs. Advocates for Youth provide these figures:

 

 

Schalet cites two main reasons for the stark differences in approaches to teen sexuality: religion and economic security. As a whole, the U.S. has a tendency to be more devout than our counterparts in the Netherlands, hence more conservative views and beliefs. As far as economic security, she reasons, "Like most European countries, the Dutch government provides a range of what sociologists call 'social' and what reproductive health advocates call 'human' rights: the right to housing, healthcare, and a minimum income. Not only do such rights ensure access, if need be, to free contraceptive and abortion services, government supports make coming of age less perilous for both teenagers and parents.

What are some of the differences found in approaches to sexuality?

• Adults in France, Germany, and the Netherlands view young people as assets, not as problems. Adults value and respect adolescents and expect teens to act responsibly. Governments strongly support education and economic self-sufficiency for youth.


• Research is the basis for public health policies to reduce unintended pregnancies, abortions, and sexually transmitted infections, including HIV. Political and religious interest groups have little influence on public health policy.


• Youth have convenient access to free or low-cost contraception through national health insurance.


• Sex education is not necessarily a separate curriculum and is usually integrated across school subjects and at all grade levels. Educators provide accurate and complete information in response to students’ questions.


• Families have open, honest, consistent discussions with teens about sexuality and support the role of educators and health care providers in making sexual health information and services available to teens.


• Society weighs the morality of sexual behavior through an individual ethic that includes the values of responsibility, respect, tolerance, and equity.

I find it ironic that our society is still so conservative about some aspects of sex even though sex is everywhere, 24/7. Is it that we've demonized our natural sexuality to the point that we are in effect helpless against its power? By not looking at sex/sexuality for what it is--a natural desire that can be both healthy and fulfilling when done/used responsibly--we have left ourselves open to a myriad of problems that can be prevented.

main source: Consequences of U.S. and Dutch Approaches to Sex

The Right to Love

Maybe this is "not in my lane" since I'm neither a resident of Malawi nor seeking a relationship with a woman, but I'm still gonna post about it.*smirk*

Last week in Malawi, two men were sentenced to "the maximum 14 years in prison with hard labor." Their crime? Being in love with each other. According to MSNBC:

Chimbalanga, a 20-year-old hotel janitor, and his unemployed partner were arrested Dec. 27, the day after they celebrated their engagement with a party at the hotel where Chimbalanga worked — an apparent first in Malawi.

"Maximum sentences are intended for use for worst cases," Magistrate Nyakwawa Usiwa Usiwa said as he delivered his sentence. "We are sitting here to represent the Malawi society which I do not believe is ready at this point in time to see its sons getting married to other sons or conducting engagement ceremonies."

(Source)

Thank goodness we don't go to those extremes here (although antiquated laws relating to homosexuality are still on the books in several states). I don't know how anyone could read stories like this and not see how fugged up it is. But I know people who do. Typically conservative, staunch Christians can really be assholes when it comes to homosexuals. Okay, you don't agree with their lifestyle. you don't understand it. You may even think that they are going to hell for who they love. You are entitled to your opinion just as they are entitled to do as they please. But to openly say that they don't deserve the same rights as their straight counterparts simply because they don't live like you think they should? Sorry, can't go there with you, and I doubt Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, etc. will either.

The reasoning I've heard some people give for being discriminatory towards gay people is utterly ridiculous. They say that if we allow gay marriage it's a "slippery slope" to people marrying animals and adults marrying kids. Aroo?! Since when could kids or animals give consent? How does one equal the other?
I also remember hearing a preacher saying that if they are given the right to marry, fight in the army, etc. that they'll "soon be in the schools, right there over our kids." NEWSFLASH: (you may wanna sit down) There have always been gay and lesbian teachers, preachers, doctors, lawyers, and whatever else. This isn't some new craze that's going around. Homosexuality goes back to the earliest days of mankind. To think that they have to be stopped now is absurd.

And if all of their rights were taken away, what change would be made? What "good" would that do? Would that cause them all to say "Oh well I guess I won't be gay anymore!" or something? Will discrimination force them to be straight? Umm, no. A person won't and shouldn't have to change who they are just because someone else doesn't agree. Whether it's a lifestyle that they chose or just how they were born (I refuse to get into the "nature or nurture: homosexuality edition" debate) they deserve to live their lives with the same right to love and happiness as everyone else.

We can't play God, no one has a heaven or hell to put anyone into. If you don't agree with what they do and how they live, condemning and discriminating against them won't make the situation better for anyone. Simply pray for them, and while you're at it, pray for yourself. God knows we all have our own ish to get straight.

"20 present at gang rape": a case for the devaluation of female sexuality

Richmond, California (CNN) -- Investigators say as many as 20 people were involved in or stood and watched the gang rape of a 15-year-old girl outside a California high school homecoming dance Saturday night.
... 

Two teenage suspects have been jailed, but more arrests, as many as 20 total, are expected, according to a police detective.
...

As many as 10 people were involved in the assault in a dimly lighted back alley at the school, while another 10 people watched without calling 911 to report it, police said.
....

Nineteen-year-old Manuel Ortega, described as a former student at the school, was arrested soon after he fled the scene and will face charges of rape, robbery and kidnapping, police said.

A 15-year-old was later arrested and charged with one count of felony sexual assault. A third teenager was being interviewed, Gagan said.

"Based on witness statements and suspect statements, and also physical evidence, we know that she was raped by at least four suspects committing multiple sex acts," Gagan said.

"As people announced over time that this was going on, more people came to see, and some actually participated," Gagan said. (source)

 

Being a rape victim, I am especially sensitive to stories like this. I'm saddened, sickened, and pissed the hell off. I am fearful of what could happen to my young cousins and my possible future daughters... My heart and prayers go out for this child. I won't go into my rant about how everyone involved should have their balls chopped off with a rusty paper cutter and stuffed down their throats. (Well I guess I just did.) This was beyond animalistic, and I hope these folks know that karma is not going to be gentle with them.

There are so many things about this story that make me want to reach out and hurt someone. Besides the obvious horror of this story, there is something else that bothers me at this moment. This story is one of many things of late to make me believe that feminine sexuality is regarded so cheaply. Out of the 20 or so young men that stood around and watched this girl be so brutally assaulted, not one was compelled to help her? Not one could imagine how they would feel if this was their sister or their mother in that situation? What has happened, that these young men don't value a woman's sexuality?

In many ancient cultures, sexuality was considered a form of spirituality. It was not only a means of procreation or expressing love and attraction to a significant other. It was a a means of pleasing the gods, a form of worship of both the heavenly and the carnal. It was a symbol of being one. It represented love and life.

Today, for some reason, sexuality has taken on an ugly, sinister form. You see it stolen, exploited and denigrated. It makes one a target for attack and abuse. These things aren't new, but they are not as "unheard of" as they once were. And strangely, this may partly be of our own doing. (Let me stop right here and not that I am NOT one of those "blame the victim" type people. That is not even what this is about. Besides, nothing she could have done would have justified what happened to her.)

Have we as women actually contributed to the fact that our society sees sex and especially our sexuality as a common commodity to be used and abused at will? For example, are the women we refer to as "video hos" affecting how we all are seen? I never thought much about how women are portrayed in the media. I figured "These actresses/models/video vixens/porn stars/whatever are grown women, so they can do what they want. It doesn't affect me anyway." However, as I get older I'm starting to rethink that. True, they do have a choice as to whether they will allow themselves to be portrayed in a certain manner, and I've never been a proponent of censorship & whatnot. But could it be that being constantly bombarded by these images and ideas has reduced us to our pussies in the eyes of some of these boys? I sometimes wonder if the man who raped me couldn't take me not saying "yes" because he was so used to images of women who never say "no."

And maybe it's not just the media. Can a woman be proud of her sexuality and not be considered cheap? I am one of very few women I know who-despite my experience and despite the way I was raised-is not uptight about sex. I have no problems expressing what I like, sharing pointers with others, bouncing new ideas off mixed company. However, I never felt like doing so could possibly be giving off a signal that, for whatever reason, it shouldn't be respected. We as women shouldn't have to hide our sexuality or act as if we're ashamed of it. It's a natural part of us. But does being upfront with it cause it to be less respected? If not, what does? And if so, how could that be rectified?

Of course I don't have the answers, and I may be the only one with these questions, but I'm putting it out there anyway... More on this upon my return.

Note: I'm still not quite back from my hiatus, but there was no way I was going to let this pass without speaking up about it.