Update on the Online Dating

I figured Id give a little update on the whole online dating thing. It was interesting, to say the least! My time on Plenty of Fish lasted about two weeks total. Within that time I exchanged messages with a few people, but only two got my number. The experiences with those two guys were about as different as they could possibly be. Seriously, I got the extremes of the spectrum! So, here goes.

The bad Awful HORRIBLE >_<

I gave my number to a guy who said he was moving to the area in January to go to school. From the messages that he sent online, he seemed like a decent guy so I figured it would be okay. From the minute I sent my number, he was texting and calling. Pressedness isnt cute at all, so that got the side-eye immediately. But I let it slide and talked to him once. Almost immediately his conversation delves into what he wants to do sexually. It really caught me off guard. Everyone knows I'm not shy at all about sex, but daaaang, I was not ready. After I finally got him to take the convo in a different direction, he asked if Id ever been in an interracial relationship. After I said no he told me that hed dated a black woman once and loved it because the sex was amazing. *sigh* Then he makes the fatal mistake of saying there's something so mysterious about black women and black women just know how to ride dick better because of their fat asses. DUDE, ARE YOU FUCKIN SERIOUS?! To avoid going all the way off on this fool (he really wasnt worth me getting a headache over) I got off the phone to do some work. As I'm trying to go, he starts asking begging me to send pix. But not just any pix; oh no. He wants to see how big those tits are and how fat that ass is. And even after the firm no he kept asking, on some please, baby, please shit. I dismissed him and got off the phone. And the icing on this WTF cake? The second we got off the phone, he sends an unsolicited dick pic. WHHHYYYYYY?! and since he sent it I feel I have the right to critique it. One, if you have to hold your gut back to see it, you shouldn't be proud enough to send it. Two, if you have a small member, it would be wise not to have a whole forest around it, as that only makes it look smaller. Three, it was pink, and pink penises disturb my soul. I almost threw my phone. Soooo yeah, clearly that was the end of that.

The Good Great Wonderful ^_^
I'm not gonna go into a whole lot of detail since he may read this one day and I don't want his head to get any bigger. LOL This is the guy that I said had potential in the last post. Mr. Madrigal (yes, he already has a nickname) was one of the few guys that sent something other than a hey when he first contacted me. We pretty much clicked from jump. I really like that we share some of the same life goals and beliefs. So far he appears to possess all the attributes I need/want in a man, which makes me very happy. But since were still in the getting to know you phase I'm trying not to get too excited too soon. That's hard for me, but I'm trying! But I do hope that Mr. Madrigal is around for a (long) while.

Sooo yeah, that's been my experience so far. If things don't work out as I hope, I may try online dating again, but not Plenty of Fish. I'll be taking L. Michelle's advice and trying a paid site. But *fingers crossed* I'm thinking that wont be necessary.

Tori D. Does Online Dating; Romance Does Not (Yet?) Ensue

About a week ago I decided to join a dating site. There was nothing in particular that prompted the decision, I just wanted to see what was out here. After all, its kinda becoming clear that Mr. Right isn't roaming the halls at work or coming down the aisle at church I'm not trying to seriously get with Mr. Lemme Holla At Ya from the club. This couldn't hurt so I figured why not. I joined Plenty of Fish because I'm cheap and its free so I felt like I had nothing to lose. Set up my little profile almost immediately I started getting messages. Hey, not bad, right?

But what I found was... Well, the same thing I found offline. By day two I was talking to an English teacher who seemed pretty cool down to earth. He hadn't been in an interracial relationship before his profile said he was divorced. But that night his wife--who missed the divorced memo her husband was sending out to others--let me know she was not pleased with him chatting up black women for potential relationship. Considering my propensity to unknowingly attract married men, this wasnt surprising.

I can't count how many messages I've gotten that only said "hi." Of course those got no response. I've been propositioned by an Irishman who wants to do a big black chick. I've run across some profiles of folks who sounded great... except that I already knew them. One particular profile really got me; the profile pic looked nice, dude had on shades. But after looking at other pix I realized that he was a former teacher of mine. *retches at the thought* And I've seen more profiles of men 30+ who list their professions as "hustling" or "I get money" than I anticipated. (I mean seriously, isn't there an age limit on that type of foolishness?)

It hasn't been all freaks and geeks though. One guy has potential: he's cute, we've been having good conversations, no weirdness so far. He falls into two of the three strikes category off jump--he's younger than me but not by much, and he's a good 4 hours away which is creeping into long-distance territory--but I still wanna give him a chance. Hopefully he'll give me a chance though; turns out he is not a fan of tattoos. *looks down at my four-month old tat* Welp...

And there's another guy who meets all the requirements as far as I know. His picture may or may not have been one of the deciding factors in me signing up for POF. He sent one of those "I want to meet you" messages they have, and I finally worked up the nerve to write him back. But I'm just not into this whole Imma-send-one-message-a-day-so-it-may-take-a-year-before-I-get-around-to-asking-for-your-number thing he has going on. No rush and no pressure, but it just doesn't seem like something one would do if they were interested in getting to know someone. So there are no expectations there.

Will I continue online dating? Meh, we'll see. I may be too critical of things like spelling and grammar to be successful at this. After all, I don't think we can be together if you don't know the difference between quit, quite and quiet. I'm judging! But I will give it a decent try. Wish me luck!

Oh yeah, three other little fun facts:

1. Guys, it's okay to smile. For some of you it will make you look friendly and attractive. For others, it will make you look less like someone who ties people up in a basement and set their arm hair on fire. O_0 So work on that.


2. I know many of you like to hunt (this is the south after all), but pictures with dead animals just make me sad. And a little nauseated if I can see the fresh bullet hole. Let's not do that.


3. So damn near everyone that has messaged me claims to be 6' or taller. So why do I always run into guys my height and shorter? Hmmm...

Have any of you tried online dating? Did you find the man/woman of your dreams or a freakin' nightmare? What are your thoughts on online dating?

Occupy Wallstreet: Where Do We Stand?

This post has been severely delayed, mainly because I am not quite sure of my feelings on it. When it comes to Occupy Wall Street, I admit to talking out of both sides of my mouth.

On one hand, I think its great. For far too long, large corporations and big banks have thrown money at politicians to have laws worked out in their favor. It appears that favor can be bought and sold, to the highest bidder of course. This leave those who don't have a couple extra million to spend out in the cold. The Occupy movement calls on government to be responsible to its citizens, not corporations.

But then again I have to wonder why these protests were nonexistent when it was mainly minorities that were suffering. After all, poverty and high unemployment (and underemployment) is nothing new to the Black community. African-Americans have been the victims of predatory lending for years. Many of us have been unable or barely able to pay for medical treatment, student loans, etc. In the all too common "laugh to keep from crying" way, dodging bill collectors has become a running joke. Yet the majority of Americans turned a blind eye to what was going on, or they felt (like many of the bankers and big businessmen feel today about Occupiers) that we were just too lazy and needed to simply get a job.

And then I have to wonder where someone like me fits in. I'm nowhere near the 1% but my story doesn't compare to many of those who proclaim to be the 99% (and there are some tearjerkers there). True, I am basically living from check to check, can't quite afford to move out of my parents' house (at least, not into the kind of place I want). I don't make as much money that it seems a Master's degree would afford me. But this doesn't surprise me. I was prepared as a child to face this because I am black and I am a woman. So even though I am frustrated with the situation, it's not as if it's something new to me due to a down-turned economy. It's just life...

So are the Occupy movements just a momentary outcry from those who were once spoiled by privilege? Will there be any benefit to those who have been the victim of corporate greed for years and not just in the past year or two? Or will they be forgotten when/if there is an upswing and the protesters are pacified with jobs? Time will tell.

Sometimes, It's Just Sex For Us Girls, Too!

Every now and then, something happens that has me literally laughing out loud and shaking my head. I'll run into someone who I previously *ahem* had relations with. And when I say previously, I mean years ago. Yet, when we see each other again, they automatically assume one (or both) of two things: 1) because we messed around in the past, I must still want that, and 2) I must've wanted (and still want) something more, like an actual relationship.

I don't know why this is. I'm gonna chalk it up to male ego. But may I let you fellas in on a little secret? Sometimes, women just want sex. GASP! Amazing, right? To think, a woman could simply use a man to get her rocks off! I know, I'll give you a moment to compose yourselves.

Why am I making a big deal out of this bringing this up? Well I thought about J. Cole's song "Work Out" and a tweet that one of my sorors sent "So I'm listening to Work Out - J Cole why can't a female tell a dude alla that and not be judged." If you're unfamiliar with the song, J. Cole raps/sings

Straight up, now tell me do you really wanna love me forever
Oh, oh, oh
Or is it just a hit and run
(Well, hey)
Straight up I tell ya I just really wanna cut when we together
Oh, oh, oh
Come here girl, let's get it on

I went through the recent and not so recent songs that I could recall. Although there are plenty of songs with women singing about sex, I could not think of one in which a woman explicitly announces that she is only using a man physically. (If you think of one, feel free to let me know in the comments.) Yet there are plenty of songs out there about guys being after the pussy and nothing more. Despite the sexual revolution that we have undergone, society still shuns the woman who acknowledges her desire just for sex from a man. We have a love/hate relationship with female sexuality. A woman can enjoy sex, talk about it freely, but if she doesn't attach some type of emotional desire to her paramour she's considered a slut. Meanwhile, guys are excused because "that's just what they do."

Maybe that's why men automatically assume that there is some sort of desire burning for them in your heart. LMAO For my former "buddies," let me be clear: You served your purpose. If there were repeated hookups you obviously served them well. But if I wanted more from you, the nature of our relationship would've been totally different. You simply had the anatomical tools (no pun intended) to take care of the job. Don't expect an automatic rehire.

Hot Links: 10.2.11

Woohoo, we've made it to another month! For the past two weeks, I've been reading, researching and studying more than writing. That includes catching up on my blogroll. There are so many good posts that I've just gotten around to, so why not share them?

There have been several posts on Clutch Magazine that caught my interest. First was the post highlighting 4 books every career woman should own. Surprisingly I only have one of the books listed, but I plan to read the others in the near future. I've been deep into the business and professional development genre lately, so this is right up my alley.
Sky Obercam reported a story of the violence that is now rampant in Mexico. I knew that things had gotten bad, but I underestimated the extent of it. The fact that schools are having to close because it is too dangerous? Unimaginable.
Friday's post, "Revenge of the Nerds", puts a lot of today's music in perspective. I'll let you read for yourself, bujt here's a snippet:

Entitlement is a MF’er. You see, it isn’t that the vengeful nerds wanted unattainable women back in the day. It’s that they felt they should have them. And now that they can, they act out... May the Black nerd continue to shake up the game, but let the next breed come with a reverence (or, at the very least, basic human respect) for Black women. Get past your bitter past and tip your hat to the brown skinned lady with the wide rimmed glasses. She’d probably like you if all the new found ‘cool’ disappeared.

On From Ashy to Classy, there is a great post titled "Not Having Sex Before Marriage is a Setup for Failure." I'm sure some will see this as an "excuse" or justification of premarital sex, but if you read it with an open mind and applied logic, it really makes a lot of sense. Waiting til marriage when folks were getting married as teens made sense. Waiting til 30+ (since marriages are happening later and later for many Americans) doesn't seem as logical. There is also another titilating post "Rethinking Relationships: Is Monogamy Natural or Cultural?" Considering that I've been having this conversation with the BF and a few others, it was pretty timely. I especially loved the breakdown of the different types of monogamy.

OneChele at Black 'n Bougie had a minor rant where she went in on all of these so-called relationship experts. And she laid it out step by step so that you too can tell women how to catch a good man, no education/experience/good sense required!

Finally, this is the funniest (in a sad-but-true kinda way) response to the diversity bake sale held by a Republican student group at UC Berkeley. "What they don't tell you about those diversity bake sales" is witty and straight to the point.