Little Annoyances

I’ve realized I may never date again. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it’s highly probable. That’s because there are more and more little pet peeves that get to me these days. Maybe it’s because I’m just jaded about the dating pool in this area. Maybe I’m just being overly picky so as to avoid getting close to anyone, thereby avoiding getting hurt. Who’s to say? Not you. Don’t judge me!

Sorry.

Anyway, in the year that I was single and the weeks that I’ve been single this go round I’ve noticed things that turn me completely off. Things that may or may not be a big deal to others—and weren’t a big deal to me at one time but now are deal breakers. Overboard? Perhaps. But these are the things that get a DNA (Do Not Answer) placed beside a guy’s name these days.

Indecisive Men (aka “Come Chill” Guys)
If I say “pick a place” or “let me know what you decide” or “what do you want to do?” the correct answer is not “whatever you want to do,” “I don’t care,” or “your choice.” My choice was to have YOU decide! Fellas, there is a difference between being considerate of a lady’s wishes and simply being unable and/or unwilling to make any kind of plans. And trust, “come to my place and chill” is not plans (unless we’re already dating and comfy like that). Where is the effort in that? All on me, that’s where. Because, if I were to oblige, I’d have to get up, get dressed, use my gas to come to your place and then… What? Watch a movie I coulda watched at home in my undies? Sit idly while you play games or talk to your boys? Refute your pathetic attempts at getting some since you have some silly notion that chilling = smanging? Naw. Just… naw.

Starting with the Pet Names From Jump
If you just got my number/just got your FB friend request accepted, the first message I get from you should not have boo, baby, love, etc. in it. “Tori” works just fine until we’re cool like that. Sweetie is somewhat acceptable unless it’s overused. And I use Hun indiscriminately, but if I guy uses it I kinda give it the side-eye. The pet names show a level of comfort and commonality that I’m just not cool with from the gate. I need a minute to decide if I even like you before I respond to you calling me “boo.” It makes me feel icky.

Text Speak 24/7
How much time are you really saving by typing r instead of are? 2 instead of to/too? Why the heck are you, as a “grown man” writing mii for me? (Or is it my? I don’t even know!) Occasionally is fine, but if I have to pull out a cheat sheet to decode all of your texts, I’ll just stop trying.

Approaching Me Sexually
I think this is one of those older/wiser things. Shamefully, when I was younger, a crass remark would be met with laughter even if I wasn’t really feeling the guy. Can’t explain why; maybe it was some combo of taking the attention as “flattering” and a faltering self-esteem. Or it could’ve just been that I didn’t care that folks knew my sense of humor went all the way to xxx-rated. And yes, it still does, but approaching me like that now on a good day will get you ignored. On a bad day? Cussed clean out. (God ain’t through with me yet LOL) When the first thing a guy has to tell me about is his dick game, it lets me know that’s all you’ve got going for yourself—and it’s probably just delusions of grandeur. Further, I figure he’s probably still living in his mom’s house with no job, no car, and no aspirations save getting someone so dickmatized that she’ll put up with the BS. Again: Naw. Just… naw.

I think there are more. In fact I’m pretty sure of it. But since I don’t want to come off as too crazy picky (and because I’m supposed to be working) I’ll cut it off here. As you’ve gotten older, have you developed more pet peeves when it comes to dating?

Stepping Away from the Search

I actually wrote this post last week, but I didn't post it lest it be seen as a "single woman ranting due to Valentine's Day" post. This ain't that.

Last week I started working on a post called "Sexually Liberated and Looking for Love." It was spurred by several things, one being a post on another blog about love being harder to find since sex is easier to get. I started thinking about it and it made sense. Maybe it didn't pay to be a woman who is open & honest about her sexuality. After all, I was living in a fantasy world, thinking adults could be real with each other about what they wanted and expected. Turns out that's not the case. Just because I can say "Look, this is just going to be sex" or "I want a relationship with you but I'm ready to fuck you now" doesn't mean that everyone is on that level. Folks still feel the need to lie and scheme their way into some pussy. Who knew?! Apparently, everyone else.

So I said, "These prudes must be on to something. Imma put the goodies on lockdown and make a man earn it." Nevermind the self-deprivation involved, or the fact that I know happy couples that got down to business relatively quickly. Not getting it in was gonna get me loved!

But the more I thought about it, the less appealing the whole thing was. Not just the idea of not having sex, but the prospect of looking for love in general. Honestly the whole process is quite tiresome. Yes the initial flirtation is fun, but I'm tired of learning about new people, trying to remember info about who they are and what they like and yadda yadda yadda. Getting used to their idiosyncracies and learning what makes them tick, which is never what makes me or any of the guys from the past tick. Trying to decipher when their silence is out of anger, shyness, sleepiness, boredom... I guess I'm just lazy now, but I'm not trying to do all that.

And I am also willing to admit that after some bad breaks, I'm a little gun-shy. I don't want to be one of those women who drags past hurts into new relationships & assumes that every guy is going to lie, cheat, etc. But I don't want to be naive and suffer the same pain over and over again. I've done that enough. In the words of Amir Sulaiman, I'd "prefer a broken neck to another broken heart."

So the online dating profiles have been removed. The offers from friends to hook me up with someone have been declined. The expectation of love, marriage and a family aren't completely gone, but they've cooled significantly. My time, energy and passion are going into my work and myself. I'd rather invest in a future with the one and only person I can count on to be there for me--myself--than waste time on a temporary feeling with a man who may be gone the next time the wind blows.

Update on the Online Dating

I figured Id give a little update on the whole online dating thing. It was interesting, to say the least! My time on Plenty of Fish lasted about two weeks total. Within that time I exchanged messages with a few people, but only two got my number. The experiences with those two guys were about as different as they could possibly be. Seriously, I got the extremes of the spectrum! So, here goes.

The bad Awful HORRIBLE >_<

I gave my number to a guy who said he was moving to the area in January to go to school. From the messages that he sent online, he seemed like a decent guy so I figured it would be okay. From the minute I sent my number, he was texting and calling. Pressedness isnt cute at all, so that got the side-eye immediately. But I let it slide and talked to him once. Almost immediately his conversation delves into what he wants to do sexually. It really caught me off guard. Everyone knows I'm not shy at all about sex, but daaaang, I was not ready. After I finally got him to take the convo in a different direction, he asked if Id ever been in an interracial relationship. After I said no he told me that hed dated a black woman once and loved it because the sex was amazing. *sigh* Then he makes the fatal mistake of saying there's something so mysterious about black women and black women just know how to ride dick better because of their fat asses. DUDE, ARE YOU FUCKIN SERIOUS?! To avoid going all the way off on this fool (he really wasnt worth me getting a headache over) I got off the phone to do some work. As I'm trying to go, he starts asking begging me to send pix. But not just any pix; oh no. He wants to see how big those tits are and how fat that ass is. And even after the firm no he kept asking, on some please, baby, please shit. I dismissed him and got off the phone. And the icing on this WTF cake? The second we got off the phone, he sends an unsolicited dick pic. WHHHYYYYYY?! and since he sent it I feel I have the right to critique it. One, if you have to hold your gut back to see it, you shouldn't be proud enough to send it. Two, if you have a small member, it would be wise not to have a whole forest around it, as that only makes it look smaller. Three, it was pink, and pink penises disturb my soul. I almost threw my phone. Soooo yeah, clearly that was the end of that.

The Good Great Wonderful ^_^
I'm not gonna go into a whole lot of detail since he may read this one day and I don't want his head to get any bigger. LOL This is the guy that I said had potential in the last post. Mr. Madrigal (yes, he already has a nickname) was one of the few guys that sent something other than a hey when he first contacted me. We pretty much clicked from jump. I really like that we share some of the same life goals and beliefs. So far he appears to possess all the attributes I need/want in a man, which makes me very happy. But since were still in the getting to know you phase I'm trying not to get too excited too soon. That's hard for me, but I'm trying! But I do hope that Mr. Madrigal is around for a (long) while.

Sooo yeah, that's been my experience so far. If things don't work out as I hope, I may try online dating again, but not Plenty of Fish. I'll be taking L. Michelle's advice and trying a paid site. But *fingers crossed* I'm thinking that wont be necessary.

Tori D. Does Online Dating; Romance Does Not (Yet?) Ensue

About a week ago I decided to join a dating site. There was nothing in particular that prompted the decision, I just wanted to see what was out here. After all, its kinda becoming clear that Mr. Right isn't roaming the halls at work or coming down the aisle at church I'm not trying to seriously get with Mr. Lemme Holla At Ya from the club. This couldn't hurt so I figured why not. I joined Plenty of Fish because I'm cheap and its free so I felt like I had nothing to lose. Set up my little profile almost immediately I started getting messages. Hey, not bad, right?

But what I found was... Well, the same thing I found offline. By day two I was talking to an English teacher who seemed pretty cool down to earth. He hadn't been in an interracial relationship before his profile said he was divorced. But that night his wife--who missed the divorced memo her husband was sending out to others--let me know she was not pleased with him chatting up black women for potential relationship. Considering my propensity to unknowingly attract married men, this wasnt surprising.

I can't count how many messages I've gotten that only said "hi." Of course those got no response. I've been propositioned by an Irishman who wants to do a big black chick. I've run across some profiles of folks who sounded great... except that I already knew them. One particular profile really got me; the profile pic looked nice, dude had on shades. But after looking at other pix I realized that he was a former teacher of mine. *retches at the thought* And I've seen more profiles of men 30+ who list their professions as "hustling" or "I get money" than I anticipated. (I mean seriously, isn't there an age limit on that type of foolishness?)

It hasn't been all freaks and geeks though. One guy has potential: he's cute, we've been having good conversations, no weirdness so far. He falls into two of the three strikes category off jump--he's younger than me but not by much, and he's a good 4 hours away which is creeping into long-distance territory--but I still wanna give him a chance. Hopefully he'll give me a chance though; turns out he is not a fan of tattoos. *looks down at my four-month old tat* Welp...

And there's another guy who meets all the requirements as far as I know. His picture may or may not have been one of the deciding factors in me signing up for POF. He sent one of those "I want to meet you" messages they have, and I finally worked up the nerve to write him back. But I'm just not into this whole Imma-send-one-message-a-day-so-it-may-take-a-year-before-I-get-around-to-asking-for-your-number thing he has going on. No rush and no pressure, but it just doesn't seem like something one would do if they were interested in getting to know someone. So there are no expectations there.

Will I continue online dating? Meh, we'll see. I may be too critical of things like spelling and grammar to be successful at this. After all, I don't think we can be together if you don't know the difference between quit, quite and quiet. I'm judging! But I will give it a decent try. Wish me luck!

Oh yeah, three other little fun facts:

1. Guys, it's okay to smile. For some of you it will make you look friendly and attractive. For others, it will make you look less like someone who ties people up in a basement and set their arm hair on fire. O_0 So work on that.


2. I know many of you like to hunt (this is the south after all), but pictures with dead animals just make me sad. And a little nauseated if I can see the fresh bullet hole. Let's not do that.


3. So damn near everyone that has messaged me claims to be 6' or taller. So why do I always run into guys my height and shorter? Hmmm...

Have any of you tried online dating? Did you find the man/woman of your dreams or a freakin' nightmare? What are your thoughts on online dating?