Perhaps It's Not PMS, But YOU

In our society women are given a free range on emotion, with the exception being anger--that is the realm of the male. We somehow are supposed to swallow everything, be quiet and calm and accepting of whatever craziness is hurled at us. A lot of us (myself included) internalize this way of thinking & decide to "go along to get along" since it's easier. Why not just suppress the negative feelings and "deal with it" through shopping or cleaning or overeating or drinking!

 But this bites us in the ass. When we do get angry and decide that it's time to say something, or even simply passionately disagree about whatever the topic may be, most men and even some other women will categorize it in one of two ways. Either you're a bitch, cut and dry, or (the lesser of two evils) you're PMSing. Because anger is so unpleasant. And of course a lady strives to be pleasant at all times. After all, aren't women here to please everyone?

 No.

 Women have just as much right to express their frustrations as our male counterparts. So why do so many feel that frustration must be due to some hormonal imbalance as opposed to a legitimate gripe? It's nothing but a means for folks to pass the blame and not take responsibility when they've wronged or hurt a woman, intentionally or otherwise. Pride (another emotion that society lets men have but question in women) wont allow them to say "I'm sorry" so instead the woman has to be made to feel unstable, emotional, hormonal, crazy.

 And the most frustrating part? Once this accusation is made & you get pissed off at that, the retort is "see, I knew it." WTF kinda circular ass, Sarah Palin brand logic is that? 

 Heres a radical idea that you may or may not have thought of. Perhaps it isn't that the woman you're dealing with is some extreme bitch or going through some hellified pms. Maybe, just maybe, the issue is YOU. Maybe you are annoying or stupid or just downright mean and have actually earned the ire you're receiving. It's likely that you'll never admit it, probably haven't even considered the possibility. But it could still be true.

 I think I should become a sacrificial lamb of sorts and just express anger and frustration indiscriminately. Yes, it goes against my (usually) calm, peaceful nature. Yes I'll be seen as the stereotypical "angry black woman" that I can't stand. Yes, I'd be labelled a bitch by some. But hey, the way I see it, that's got to be better than being told what I think and feel are nothing more than a byproduct of a biological process.

Ain't I A Woman?

“Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain’t I a woman?” Since joining the “real world,” Sojourner Truth’s words have resonated with me. As I child, I was taught to be self-reliant because there would be times when I could not count on anyone else. However, I was also taught to expect certain things from a gentleman: holding the door open, helping with packages if I seem overwhelmed, respect, cordiality. And when I worked mostly with other African-Americans, I received those little gestures of chivalry more often than not.

But once I entered a more diverse workforce, I noticed a shift in the attitudes and actions towards not just myself but black women as a whole. One particular incident stands out in my mind: Another woman and I were both exiting the building where I worked. One of my coworkers was walking in, but stopped to hold the door open for the white woman who was only maybe three feet ahead of me. Once she was out of the door, he looked at me and walked on in, letting the door close and nearly knocking me down. I was dumbfounded.

If that were an isolated incident, I wouldn’t have any ground for beef. But I’ve seen and experienced many incidents where black women were simply not given the same courtesy as white women, in the workplace as well as in random social situations. The perpetrators have varied in age and race, which left me even more perplexed. Those acts of geniality aren’t necessarily required, and I’ve come to not expect them either.  But I have to wonder why there is a difference between the way black women are treated versus the treatment of our white counterparts. Is it because black women are supposed to be strong enough to not need assistance? Are we considered less than worthy of such small displays of cordiality? Or is it not necessarily about us, but rather about the pedestal that many people place white women on?

My query is not a complaint, but one of simple curiosity. Even in small, somewhat trivial matters, we see a discrepancy in attitudes and actions. One hundred and sixty years later, I’m still asking the same question. “Ain’t I a woman?”

Sometimes, It's Just Sex For Us Girls, Too!

Every now and then, something happens that has me literally laughing out loud and shaking my head. I'll run into someone who I previously *ahem* had relations with. And when I say previously, I mean years ago. Yet, when we see each other again, they automatically assume one (or both) of two things: 1) because we messed around in the past, I must still want that, and 2) I must've wanted (and still want) something more, like an actual relationship.

I don't know why this is. I'm gonna chalk it up to male ego. But may I let you fellas in on a little secret? Sometimes, women just want sex. GASP! Amazing, right? To think, a woman could simply use a man to get her rocks off! I know, I'll give you a moment to compose yourselves.

Why am I making a big deal out of this bringing this up? Well I thought about J. Cole's song "Work Out" and a tweet that one of my sorors sent "So I'm listening to Work Out - J Cole why can't a female tell a dude alla that and not be judged." If you're unfamiliar with the song, J. Cole raps/sings

Straight up, now tell me do you really wanna love me forever
Oh, oh, oh
Or is it just a hit and run
(Well, hey)
Straight up I tell ya I just really wanna cut when we together
Oh, oh, oh
Come here girl, let's get it on

I went through the recent and not so recent songs that I could recall. Although there are plenty of songs with women singing about sex, I could not think of one in which a woman explicitly announces that she is only using a man physically. (If you think of one, feel free to let me know in the comments.) Yet there are plenty of songs out there about guys being after the pussy and nothing more. Despite the sexual revolution that we have undergone, society still shuns the woman who acknowledges her desire just for sex from a man. We have a love/hate relationship with female sexuality. A woman can enjoy sex, talk about it freely, but if she doesn't attach some type of emotional desire to her paramour she's considered a slut. Meanwhile, guys are excused because "that's just what they do."

Maybe that's why men automatically assume that there is some sort of desire burning for them in your heart. LMAO For my former "buddies," let me be clear: You served your purpose. If there were repeated hookups you obviously served them well. But if I wanted more from you, the nature of our relationship would've been totally different. You simply had the anatomical tools (no pun intended) to take care of the job. Don't expect an automatic rehire.

Fat Male Privilege

Lately I've seen a lot on my Twitter timeline about "male privilege" and "black male privilege." While I feel these are very worthwhile discussions, I wonder why we aren't talking about another  issue that is plaguing our community.

FAT. MALE. PRIVILEGE.
It's real, and it's ugly.

[caption id="attachment_1462" align="aligncenter" width="373" caption="Do you think a fat woman could get away with this? Hell no! Fat male privilege strikes again!"][/caption]

 

Really I just find it humorous that almost 70 percent of men are overweight, compared with 52 percent of women. Yet somehow it is almost always the women who are the target of ridicule, criticism and "advice." Women are constantly told that they need to be smaller to appeal to men, to be more feminine, to be "beautiful." Where is this advice for the guys?

Oh I forgot; they have penises so they get a pass. They can't see those penises, but still...

"20 present at gang rape": a case for the devaluation of female sexuality

Richmond, California (CNN) -- Investigators say as many as 20 people were involved in or stood and watched the gang rape of a 15-year-old girl outside a California high school homecoming dance Saturday night.
... 

Two teenage suspects have been jailed, but more arrests, as many as 20 total, are expected, according to a police detective.
...

As many as 10 people were involved in the assault in a dimly lighted back alley at the school, while another 10 people watched without calling 911 to report it, police said.
....

Nineteen-year-old Manuel Ortega, described as a former student at the school, was arrested soon after he fled the scene and will face charges of rape, robbery and kidnapping, police said.

A 15-year-old was later arrested and charged with one count of felony sexual assault. A third teenager was being interviewed, Gagan said.

"Based on witness statements and suspect statements, and also physical evidence, we know that she was raped by at least four suspects committing multiple sex acts," Gagan said.

"As people announced over time that this was going on, more people came to see, and some actually participated," Gagan said. (source)

 

Being a rape victim, I am especially sensitive to stories like this. I'm saddened, sickened, and pissed the hell off. I am fearful of what could happen to my young cousins and my possible future daughters... My heart and prayers go out for this child. I won't go into my rant about how everyone involved should have their balls chopped off with a rusty paper cutter and stuffed down their throats. (Well I guess I just did.) This was beyond animalistic, and I hope these folks know that karma is not going to be gentle with them.

There are so many things about this story that make me want to reach out and hurt someone. Besides the obvious horror of this story, there is something else that bothers me at this moment. This story is one of many things of late to make me believe that feminine sexuality is regarded so cheaply. Out of the 20 or so young men that stood around and watched this girl be so brutally assaulted, not one was compelled to help her? Not one could imagine how they would feel if this was their sister or their mother in that situation? What has happened, that these young men don't value a woman's sexuality?

In many ancient cultures, sexuality was considered a form of spirituality. It was not only a means of procreation or expressing love and attraction to a significant other. It was a a means of pleasing the gods, a form of worship of both the heavenly and the carnal. It was a symbol of being one. It represented love and life.

Today, for some reason, sexuality has taken on an ugly, sinister form. You see it stolen, exploited and denigrated. It makes one a target for attack and abuse. These things aren't new, but they are not as "unheard of" as they once were. And strangely, this may partly be of our own doing. (Let me stop right here and not that I am NOT one of those "blame the victim" type people. That is not even what this is about. Besides, nothing she could have done would have justified what happened to her.)

Have we as women actually contributed to the fact that our society sees sex and especially our sexuality as a common commodity to be used and abused at will? For example, are the women we refer to as "video hos" affecting how we all are seen? I never thought much about how women are portrayed in the media. I figured "These actresses/models/video vixens/porn stars/whatever are grown women, so they can do what they want. It doesn't affect me anyway." However, as I get older I'm starting to rethink that. True, they do have a choice as to whether they will allow themselves to be portrayed in a certain manner, and I've never been a proponent of censorship & whatnot. But could it be that being constantly bombarded by these images and ideas has reduced us to our pussies in the eyes of some of these boys? I sometimes wonder if the man who raped me couldn't take me not saying "yes" because he was so used to images of women who never say "no."

And maybe it's not just the media. Can a woman be proud of her sexuality and not be considered cheap? I am one of very few women I know who-despite my experience and despite the way I was raised-is not uptight about sex. I have no problems expressing what I like, sharing pointers with others, bouncing new ideas off mixed company. However, I never felt like doing so could possibly be giving off a signal that, for whatever reason, it shouldn't be respected. We as women shouldn't have to hide our sexuality or act as if we're ashamed of it. It's a natural part of us. But does being upfront with it cause it to be less respected? If not, what does? And if so, how could that be rectified?

Of course I don't have the answers, and I may be the only one with these questions, but I'm putting it out there anyway... More on this upon my return.

Note: I'm still not quite back from my hiatus, but there was no way I was going to let this pass without speaking up about it.

A Slice, A Half, A Whole

 

 

This morning, while I was supposed to be getting ready for work, I was on Twitter doing my usual routine of "Good morning," responding to my missed replies, etc. I saw that one of my girls re-tweeted something from Rev. Run, and it got me to thinking.

@BlackBeauty85 RT @RevRunWisdom: 1 lady said about her husbands long wrk hrs.“I'd rather have a slice of a gr8 man than the whole of an average man” (wrk!)

@BlackBeauty85 RT @RevRunWisdom: REFUSE TO BE AVERAGE!!!

While I definitely co-sign the rejection of being average (to me that's just a polite term for mediocre) I don't know whether I can completely agree with the first tweet. I responded:

@KittyPurrfecta Of course, having the whole great man would be great, or at least half. If you only have a slice, is that enough to be satisfied? Hmmm....

 

I understand what the quote was supposed to mean, and to a point I agree. I would much rather a man work hard to help provide for his family than to barely work or have a lazy attitude when he needs to have drive and initiative. That just would not do, and that type of man wouldn't last long enough with me to even think about marriage.

However, I am a bit selfish. (I blame it on my condition: onlychildism.) When I have something or someone truly great, I want it all to myself! Of course, I realize I can't have my way all the time and at some point I have to share. And I'm okay with that. You can't and shouldn't attempt to contain greatness. I understand. I would be willing to support him in any way I could. But I should be content with a slice? Naw, homie, I don't think that's gonna work! 

Here's what I think of when I think of having a "slice" of a man:

• Having a man that puts work before family


• Him not truly being "at home" even when he's physically there at home (example: not being able to talk to me because he is so wrapped up in talking to colleagues & handling business, even though he's "off work")


• Barely seeing him in passing


• Him not being willing to put other things on hold for just a while to spend time with me/his family


• Him using the majority of his time, attention, passion and money elsewhere

I know where some of you all went when you read this. "Well what about Michelle? I'm sure she doesn't get to spend time with Barack like she wants to, blah blah blah." Guess what? Although I'm fabulous and a great woman in my own right, I am not Michelle! I'm Tori D. and I need attention!

No, I don't plan on being one of those wives who basically sit around all day waiting to dote on their husbands. With the career that (I think) I'm going to pursue, I'm sure I will be working long hours at times too. Be that as it may, I'll be working those long hours so that I can have a couple weeks out of the year to travel, spend time with hubby, family and friends. I'm working to live, not living to work. If I have this "slice of a great man" will I be able to say the same thing about him? What's the point of being able to travel to exotic locales and whatnot if I don't have my partner with me? All I'll be thinking about is the fact that I'm in a new, romantic place and not getting any. That's when the eyes start to wander.... (Just being honest folks! lol)

So I can settle for half of a great man. Still better than a whole average man, in my opinion. With that half a great man, maybe we can take one two-week long vacay a year instead of a week-long one every three or four months. (Yes, I really planned on doing that.) Instead of having dinner together every day, it'll just be on Sundays and occasionally a Saturday. I may not be able to have him with me on every special occasion or every event that the kids have, but with half of a great man at least I can have anniversaries, maybe birthdays... And best of all, unlike with a "whole average man," I still get my space when I need it and won't be made to feel as guilty when I spend longer than I planned in the office or out with clients.

 

But a slice of a man? Oh no. For me, that slice is about as useless as that pie chart, and probably just as frustrating and difficult to understand.