Morning Quickie: Real Friends Call You Out on Your Ish

I am so thankful for my friends. Even though they can work my nerves sometimes, they are there for me when I need them.

Case in point: ex-bestie. We haven't talked in forever. He's the one that I "broke up" with over my hair. But he called last night to catch up. Of course the first topic of discussion was relationships. I let him know about no longer being with Bartender and about the situation with Mr. Madrigal. (I won't go into it, but basically it doesn't look like that is going anywhere. Oh well.) Fortunately I was over it when we talked, due to a sermon that was meant just for me. Ex-bestie basically ripped me a new butthole. After laughing at me--like a real, from-the-gut laugh--he said, "Tori you know what I realized? You're a hopeless romantic in a bitter shell! I mean, I always knew it, but it just hit me again!" Well dayum dude, WTF? I couldn't argue with him too much, because I knew he was right... With the exception of the bitter part. I'm not bitter, just guarded until someone appears to be worth letting that guard down.

Anyway, we talked most of the night, about that and my other relationships, as well as his. Don't worry, I called him out on some things too! But the whole convo made me appreciative for the folks who know me well enough to listen sympathetically to my stories of woe and still tell me when I need to get myself together. He hasn't earned the "bestie" title back by any means, and I refuse to discuss hair with him ever again, but it feels good to know that someone is still there for me when I need it most.

What Would You Do?

This weekend I was presented with some soap-worthy drama that I have no idea how to handle.

I have a friend who has recently gotten married and had a baby. I didn't know much about the guy although I'd seen him around before, but other friends expressed their concern that dude was a dog. From brief interaction with him, I knew he was a flirt, but I didn't learn the extent of his actions until Saturday.

While talking to a good friend, this guy came up. She told me that a mutual friend of ours met him one night at a club where his band was playing. She asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no, he was single. Long story short: they have a one-night stand, she feels awful & avoids him. One day she & some others run into the couple (while the wife was still pregnant); he plays the "we just met" game. Then he texts her around 5-something in the morning one day, asking if he can come over "to chill." She tells him off & that's that. Later, she finds out that was right after his wife had the baby.

I won't even get into how he tried to get back at another friend of mine who he used to mess around with & tried to holla at again right after getting married....

Basically he's f*cked over two of my friends, and only one of them knows it. He shouldn't get away with that.

So now I'm trying to decide whether I should tell his wife or not. Like I stated, she's a friend. As sweet as she is, she definitely doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. And if he's trying to bone two other folks that I know of, imagine how many he may be messing with that I don't know about! I'd hate for him to bring her something she can't get rid of, if ya know what I mean.

And just to add the icing to the cake: I used to talk to this guy's cousin a good little while back. I don't want it to seem like some kind of delayed, roundabout revenge because it's absolutely nothing like that. This could be a whole can of worms that I definitely don't want to get entangled in.

So what would you do? Tell her and let whatever happens happen? Keep your mouth shut and hope for the best? Only say something should she mention it? Confront the guy?

The Results Are In

If I had to describe today, I would call it... not the best. I got the results of a biopsy I had done last week. The results? Well, "all clear" is the only good result of a biopsy, and that wasn't what I heard. Undergoing surgery soon. Not my first surgery but it's the first dealing with internal organs (had a bone tumor removed when I was a kid).

The real kicker is that I found out who my support system is. Besides my mom, only three other people knew about it. They also knew I was scared ishless. I have been a wreck waiting for the results, and I'm really shaky now that I know the results. I was fortunate to have two really great friends that comforted me, listened to me whine, cheered me up to get my mind off of it, and called/texted today after they thought my doctor's visit was over to see how it went. They showed me that they cared and proved one of my favorite sayings, "Love is an action word." The other person... well, I didn't get that from him. I didn't get anything really. And it left me in shock to be honest. I cried like a baby all weekend because the one person I wanted and needed to hear from to tell me it would be okay was MIA. Hell, I cried like a baby just a few minutes ago (probably still would be if it wasn't for my mom).

But, I know this is for the good. I would much rather find this out now than down the road when it's too late to turn back. Adversity has a way of letting you know who loves you with their heart and who loves you with their mouth. And I'm sorry, the words "I love you" hold no weight without something to back it up. I don't love him any less. I love him more than he could possibly even know. But I gotta love Tori D. first and foremost, and she can't continue to take a backseat.

(Toxic) Friends, how many of us have them?

The other day I came across an article on Shine titled "9 signs your friend is toxic." I saw a couple of points that were interesting and described the situations that have made me recently re-evaluate my relationship with some of my friends/acquaintances, such as "friends" not being there for you or not having the give-and-take that a friendship should have.

Now, the main thing that has made me look at all the people in my phonebook, FB friend list, etc. is this: What do we have in common? What do we talk about? Do we see things the same, or are we able to have intelligent discussion about the things we view differently?

this is kinda addressed in the article:

5) You don’t share the same values or the same world view: It’s a red flag
that this isn’t the right friend for you if you don’t respect her for who she is.

I've come to realize out of the few people I actually associate with on a regular basis, very few of them share my interests or outlook. and if they do, they keep it under wraps well, because there is never any in-depth discourse about anything of substance. Things such as politics, the treatment of minorities & the poor in this country, education, etc. are passed up in favor of music, shopping, and relationships. Not to say I don't enjoy those things; I do and I talk about them a lot. But where there should be balance in what we share, IMO there is not. Instead, I turn to e-buddies that I've made. These people are definitely dependable when I need a laugh, style recommendations or healthy debate. Maybe it's just because we have a forum to be so random and varied in our conversations, but it definitely makes me wonder "Why aren't my folks here this diverse?" I know there could be any number of reasons, so there's no point in trying to pick out the why of it all.

So what is there to do? As I stated before, I already don't associate with that many people. Do I adhere to the Girl Scout song and make new friends while keeping the old, because "one is silver and the other's gold"? (BTW, I never got which one was supposed to be silver & gold. And is one supposed to be better than the other? And since I like silver over gold would even care that much about the "gold" friends? I digress.) Should the commonality of being in BGLOs or having grown up together be enough to hold on, or is it okay to say "Our time has passed, it was fun while it lasted" and move on? I think we (especially women) are taught to hold on to friends as "friends" even when we've outgrown them or don't have much interaction with them. After all, that would make us "funny-acting" or mean that we weren't a true friend in the first place.

I'm not sure, but hopefully through reflection I'll figure out what directions these various relationship will take. After all, the people you associate with should be a reflection of who you are. I'm not seeing anything in the mirror at this point.