Wife Advice: Whose (If Any) Do You Take?

The other Sunday at church I heard a bit of “advice” that I can honestly say I’ve never heard before. While mentioning how Abraham sent his servant out to find a wife for Isaac and how Rebekah offered the servant and his camels water (Gen. 24 if you care to read it), the preacher said, “If you want to be a wife, you have to be a wife before you become one. The Bible says, ‘A man who finds a wife finds a good thing,’ not a man who finds a woman and makes her a wife.” There were plenty of amens and applause of agreement. I wasn’t sure about it.

This flies in the face of the “advice” that I’ve heard repeatedly over the last 27 years, telling me and other young ladies that we “shouldn’t be acting like a wife if you aren’t one.” After all, the logic of this guidance goes, if a man is getting the benefits of having a wife without actually saying “I do,” what’s his incentive to put a ring on it? So you act like a girlfriend until you become Mrs. So-and-So.

BUUUT… There is yet another bit of council out there that says “you don’t know what it is to be a wife until you become one.” So how do I even know if I am stepping out of the girlfriend lane and into the wife role? After all, I don’t know what is and isn’t “wife” duties. Except sex, of course. Which, according to what I heard a few Sundays ago, I should definitely be doing; I want to be a wife, after all. But, wait, wasn’t I supposed to be saving that for after marriage? (Whether I did or didn’t is neither here nor there!) So what/where is the line? And since everyone has different expectations of what a wife does/doesn’t do, whose standard do we apply?

This is one reason why I do not take most relationship advice seriously. Just because someone has an opinion on the best way to maintain a relationship doesn’t mean that I should apply it. Others may use it and it works perfectly for them, but since relationships are made of individuals and no two individuals are alike, it is more than fair to say that what works for some couples won’t necessarily work for others.

If I were to give relationship advice (laughable, I know!) it would be simply:

1.       Know who you are & be yourself. Don’t conform to someone else’s ideals

2.       Know (or at least have a good idea of) what you want & don’t expect someone else to change who they are to fit your ideals

And, by the way, that advice would be to everyone. Men and women. How dare these supposed “relationship experts”—most of whom are only experts in their own minds—hurl all this advice to women and say nothing to the males? As if women are the only ones in/trying to be in relationships! I’ve never heard anyone utter anything about how a man should act if he wants to be a husband.  But whoooooo that’s another topic for another day.

Do you listen to all the advice floating around concerning relationships? Are there certain people’s advice you follow wholeheartedly? Or are you kinda stubborn like me and determined to do it your way—screw-ups and all?

Things My Future Husband Should Know: About Being the Head of the House

Dear future hubby,

It's early on a Thursday morning. You know how I am when I haven't had my coffee yet, so sorry in advance if I ramble.

I had a little epiphany (although the word "epiphany" seems too epic to describe as little, so let's just say a moment of clarity) this morning in which I realized what I want from you concerning this whole "head of the household" thing. That phrase has always kinda rubbed me wrong, even though I've been taught from a child that that's how it's supposed to be. The thought of someone controlling me made me want to hit something and yell, "You're not the boss of me!" After all, isn't marriage supposed to be a partnership?

But I know that I've always liked it when a man takes charge. That's probably due in part to my own indecisiveness, but it also adheres to the confidence and (hopefully) wisdom that I envision a real man possessing. A man who waffles is a liability, IMO, and is likely to get cut off. Since you've made it to being Mr. Tori D. (lol) that's obviously not the case, so congrats.

Anyway, the realization that came was about my part in the equation. Once I actually thought about it, I discovered that my roles in relation to you are the same that I've been playing for others most of my life. Sounding board, out-of-the-box thinker (there has to be a better term for it than that), and cheerleader. On important issues I
want
 need to be in on the decision-making. I want to hear your ideas and share mine. Hopefully we will both agree on the course of action and go from there. If not, it's your responsibility to make the final decision and to live with it. My responsibility is to support that decision. If it works, I'll have the "you were right" cheer ready. If it doesn't, I'm going to rag you a little bit (hey, no point in lying) but then we'll figure out how to regroup and move on.

You being head of the house doesn't lessen my position. It doesn't make me your maid, your secretary, your cook or your pet...
unless we're role-playing but that's for another letter
. We are indeed partners-- in complementing, not competing, positions. Making decisions concerning our finances, kids, worship, household responsibilities, etc. shouldn't be power-plays. Becoming Mrs. Whoever-You-Are means that I obviously trust your judgement, which is why I'll have no little problem letting you take the lead.

Afternoon Quickie: What I've realized about kids

So I had some sort of epiphany. It's about having kids. I won't say that I don't want them. Rather, they aren't essential to my happiness. Some people, women and men, live for the time when they can create a life. I happen to not be one of those people. Although I do sometimes feel those "I want a baby!" pangs, it isn't a major life goal. But it has dawned on me that I could be happy with kids, if my husband wanted them. And we would have to have some long, hard, serious discussions about it before we just start trying to make a baby. But if I marry someone who doesn't want kids (or *le sigh* don't get married at all, which is looking more and more like a possibility) then I'm good with that as well.

I think the major factor in me wanting/not wanting kids before has been whether I was with someone who appeared to have great daddy potential. And I'll certainly be looking at that when/if I get married. But now I can see a good, fun-filled, adventurous life whether there are little ones in it or not.

[caption id="attachment_2015" align="aligncenter" width="442" caption="oh shoot, i get it now!"][/caption]

Things My Future Husband Should Know: About the In-law Situation

Okay dear, there are some things we need to discuss about our families. Since I am an only child, marriage is an opportunity for me to (hopefully) get the family I didn't have growing up. I'm praying that you have at least one cool sister, preferably around my age, who will be more of a sister to me instead of just a sister-in-law. I want us to bond like my mom and aunts have. In my mind, I see me and your sister(s) having girls' night out, taking road trips, and shopping like teenagers.

And maybe, if I'm lucky, your parents will be fun-loving, wine-drinking, friendly folks who would rather have a good time enjoying our company instead of arguing and fussing. That way we can go to my parents for dinner on serious, religious holidays like Easter and live it up at your parents' parties for Christmas and New Years. And your mom can show me how to cook your favorite dish from your childhood so I can surprise you with it on your birthday.

Yup, that would be nice.

Of course I know that kind of luck may not come my way. You may be an only child like me, or may have a bunch of brothers, or your sister may not like me because she's a raging b*tch for some unknown reason. And maybe your parents are super-conservative like mine (I pray this isn't the case though) or just don't like to do much. That's fine. All of that is really not important in the grand scheme of things. But there are two things that will cause us to have major problems.



1. Blatant Disrespect
I've been fortunate enough to get along with most of my exes' families. And out of all the moms I've met, only two didn't like me. (Admittedly, one of them did have just cause.) That being said, I have always tried and will try to stay respectful and cordial to your family even if we cannot be close. It's just how I was raised. But should I feel disrespected unfairly, I expect you swiftly to put your foot down. (And don't question it when I tell you about it. You already know I want this fairytale ending; why would I make something like that up?) Otherwise, I'll be forced to show that other side of Tori that I've kept hidden even from you. Nobody wants that. Oh yeah, since I'm going out of my way to be nice to your family, I expect the same. Even when I vent about them, that doesn't give you an excuse to down them unless it's legitimate.

2. Popping Up Unannounced
Since you've made it to Hubby status, you already know how I am. I enjoy my uninterrupted time in my space. I don't want to be bothered before 10 AM or after 9 PM unless we're having a party or something. And if you're there, who knows when and where someonething may go down. Literally. That being said, make sure your family knows to call before they visit. I will not be very hospitable if they arrive while I'm trying to. (See what I did there?) In fact,  I probably will not open the door. Yeah, it's rude I know. So if you don't want your folks to get their feelings hurt, make sure they know the rules about visiting.

If we can avoid those little things, we're good! I know I'm marrying you, not necessarily your family, but I want things to be as smooooth as possible. Don't you?

Downpayment Registries for Newlyweds: Would You Do It?

from realtormag.com:

Forget the toasters and champagne flutes: More engaged couples are doing a different type of wedding registry that allows them to collect cash for a down payment on a home, according to a recent article in The Washington Times.

Dana Ostomel, founder of Deposit a Gift in New York City, says that about 15 percent of their registries are to raise down-payment funds for a home and another 15 percent are for home-improvement funds to pay for upgrades like a new roof or furniture.

"Given that 75 percent of today's engaged couples already live together and are older, very often they are already established with the household basics that you find on a traditional registry," Ostomel said. "What they want is the gift of big-ticket items and longer term goals, like the gift of home ownership.”

The FHA permits gifts from a wedding to be used as a down payment, but lenders are required to document that the funds are gifts. About 27 percent of first-time home buyers use gift money from relatives and friends for a down payment, according to a 2010 National Association of REALTORS® Profile of Home Buyers and Sellers survey.

Source: “Registries Raise Cash Gifts, Avoid Etiquette No-No,” The Washington Times (Oct. 20, 2011)

In the past, it was considered in bad taste to ask for money instead of the traditional registry items like china, silverware, etc. However, in recent years it has become more common to see a note asking to forgo gifts and give cold hard cash. Considering that today's couples are getting married when they are older and more established, they likely have at least one toaster and coffee maker. Why ask for more of the same? The idea of asking for money to use towards an investment such as a house (whether it is to purchase a new home, make repairs, or accumulate rental property) is a sound decision. But could you buck the long-standing rules of etiquette and ask for money on your big day?

Quote of the Day

I have read and heard a lot of discussion lately about love, marriage and divorce that have caused me to re-evaluate how I look at relationships. The brouhaha over Will and Jada's rumored separation yesterday was the icing on the cake. Many people seemed to think that there was no more hope for black love/black marriage/the black family. "If Will & Jada can't make it, how can weeee?" they wondered. But I was fortunate to read several comments on different sites that proved everyone hadn't lost it. My favorite basically said that all marriages end, whether by divorce or by death. People change, and sometimes those changes result in the end of a relationship. The commenter said that if his marriage ended, it wouldn't be a failed marriage, just one that had come to an end. That statement made me think of this quote, one of my favorites about love and relationships:

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”
 - Somerset Maugham

I hope and pray that when I marry, it is forever and that we can "continue to love a changed person." But I understand that it may not work out that way. The growth and evolution that each of us undergoes throughout life may eventually take us down different paths. I'd still put in work to make the marriage last, of course; there's no excuse not to do that. But if it doesn't work out, it's okay, even though I'm sure it would still hurt like hell.

What are your thoughts on this quote or the words of the commenter?

Thoughts on My First Getting Married

Today I heard through the grapevine (aka, my Big Momma) that my first, Mr. Magic Voice, recently got married. Although I am in my own relationship and happy most of the time, I gotta admit that it did hit me kinda hard. I'd held out a little hope that he would come back for me, as silly as it sounds.

My first was a loooong time ago, before I was able to separate sex and emotions. Even though we weren't actually in a relationship, I was in something like love. He moved out of town but would come back to visit every now and then. When I first seriously considered moving to Houston, the possibility of running into him and having something spark was in the back of my mind. Now I'm wondering would that have happened if I had moved, or if I'd be looking crazy and hurt like I was after he left me in 10th grade. And there are other questions... Did he ever see anything special in me, or was I just new pussy? Why did he keep coming back all those times if he didn't feel anything for me? Was it just being nice or something? Am I crazy that I still kinda pine for him? (I think the answer is "slightly.") Shouldn't every feeling for him be dead just like they are for the others I've been with? Is she prettier than me?! (Yeah I know it's shallow but I wanna know!) Would the sex be good if he and I had hooked up again? Why the heck did he come back to Jackson to get married? Is she the reason he stopped answering his phone back when I first started thinking about Houston? Do they sing together like we used to do?

Is there some kinda support group for this? I need to know I'm not the only one who still kinda thinks about their first. Have any of you had your first (or someone you thought was "The One" or whatever) get married and it wasn't to you? Lemme know... I'm dealing, but barely. Imma go eat ice cream now...

On Marriage... Again

Bartender and I have had several discussions on marriage. Although he seems to be opening up to the idea of marriage, there was a conversation that left me thinking. (Let me stop here and note that I have not been trying to convince him to marry me; I've got too much pride and too many options to beg for something like that! LOL) The majority of the conversations have been about why he was fearful or weary of marriage. He gave the typical "Women change/stop giving head/having sex on the regular" excuse for the longest, before finally saying that the commitment was huge and not something that he'd want to go into lightly.

Understandable.

But then he asked me, "Why do you want to get married? What's the benefit for you?"

Initially I wanted to dismiss it as a silly rebuttal, but once I thought about it I had to ask myself the same thing. Really, what is the benefit of me getting married? If I was thinking of starting a family, I would definitely want to be married; but kids are out. Can't really say it's for the financial security; I'm working on that on my own. Plus the likelihood of marrying someone whose credit is as high or higher than mine is low, so that would mean I'd take a hit. I love the emotional security that marriage is supposed to afford, but we all know that marriage is no guarantee of that (just like not being married doesn't mean you won't have it). Tax break? Meh, from what I've read it doesn't amount to a whole lot. I've got insurance from work, got guns for protection. And of course I could look at it from the religious standpoint of needing to be married to do the do without working about eternal dayumation and hell fire, but considering my... evolving religious beliefs, I'm not sure how that ties in. Plus, wouldn't marrying just to have sex be wrong? While I still need a man, what is the need for a husband?

But like so many things, even though I feel like I don't need it, I want it. The "want" of marriage for me is knowing that I have such a strong connection (spiritually, physically and mentally) with someone that he is willing to say "You make me so happy that I want to stand before God and the world, vowing to make this work until I take my last breath."

Bartender says I'm still young and naive to how the world works. I tell him that marriage, like anything else, is what one makes of it.

pic courtesy of iamsassychic.com

What Would You Do?

This weekend I was presented with some soap-worthy drama that I have no idea how to handle.

I have a friend who has recently gotten married and had a baby. I didn't know much about the guy although I'd seen him around before, but other friends expressed their concern that dude was a dog. From brief interaction with him, I knew he was a flirt, but I didn't learn the extent of his actions until Saturday.

While talking to a good friend, this guy came up. She told me that a mutual friend of ours met him one night at a club where his band was playing. She asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no, he was single. Long story short: they have a one-night stand, she feels awful & avoids him. One day she & some others run into the couple (while the wife was still pregnant); he plays the "we just met" game. Then he texts her around 5-something in the morning one day, asking if he can come over "to chill." She tells him off & that's that. Later, she finds out that was right after his wife had the baby.

I won't even get into how he tried to get back at another friend of mine who he used to mess around with & tried to holla at again right after getting married....

Basically he's f*cked over two of my friends, and only one of them knows it. He shouldn't get away with that.

So now I'm trying to decide whether I should tell his wife or not. Like I stated, she's a friend. As sweet as she is, she definitely doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. And if he's trying to bone two other folks that I know of, imagine how many he may be messing with that I don't know about! I'd hate for him to bring her something she can't get rid of, if ya know what I mean.

And just to add the icing to the cake: I used to talk to this guy's cousin a good little while back. I don't want it to seem like some kind of delayed, roundabout revenge because it's absolutely nothing like that. This could be a whole can of worms that I definitely don't want to get entangled in.

So what would you do? Tell her and let whatever happens happen? Keep your mouth shut and hope for the best? Only say something should she mention it? Confront the guy?

Quote of the Day

Okay, today's quote of the day is hilarious to me! It's from one of my cousins & it's about yours truly. Last night my whole fam (all of my cousins that are on facebook) had a complete convo on one cousin's status about who would be next to get married. (Shout out to cuzzo Derrick for putting a ring on it!) My twin cousin put me out there saying I'd probably be next. (Hardy-har-har...) Then her brother chimed in with this:

I don't know. I think Tori's a pimp. I don't see her getting married anytime
soon. She's got some pimp bones in her body. "Keep your heart, T-Mac. Keep your
heart!" -JB

Now this probably doesn't mean jack shyt to anyone else but iRolled reading that! So for putting a smile on my face on a Monday (especially after the kinda messed up stuff that happened last night) my big cuz gets the honor of being immortalized in my Quote of the Day!

Another Myspace Oldie but Goodie: Ten Things My Future Husband Needs ToKnow

1. An exterminator is not a luxury, not a request. It is mandatory. if i do not get this, you will be called away from any & everything you are doing to come smash any creepy-crawly thing over 1/2 inch.

 

2. I am not a morning person. My morning conversations consist of a series of grunts, groans, evil facial expressions & eyerolls. Please postpone any real discussions until 11:00 am or until I've had at least two cups of coffee.

 

3. I have a high sex drive. Imma need to to come with it, and come with it often. If you feel you can't fulfill this, feel free to let me know and I will find a replacement... (j/k... kinda)

 

4. I always win. I'm always right. The sooner you come to accept this, the more confrontations we can avoid. LOL

 

5. I want someone who can take control but still give me the illusion that I'm running the show. So lets work on perfecting that...

 

6. I am a very passionate person when it comes to people I love. I give complete loyalty & I expect the same. Anything less will not do (ya better read up on Taurus women!). I will give you everything I have, and I request everything from you in return.

 

7. If you can convince me to have kids, I am naming them. I have names for one boy & two girls already, so you better hope for multiples if you got a name you really like.

8. A man that cooks is so sexy. a man that cooks & cleans will get the panty-draws whenever wherever! LMAO Okay, that may be a bit of a stretch, but I want a man who doesn't mind sharing responsibilities around the house. So if you don't know a pot from a skillet or cant separate whites & colors to save your life, you may wanna reevaluate some things before being with me.

 

9. Be straightforward with me. Imma find out the truth anyway, so don't try to hide it. I am not very nice when i am lied to.

 

10. Monotony is not the business. I don't like doing the same old same old. Spontaneity & uniqueness get me every time. That lets me know you feel I'm special, so my day/night should be special. Not just the same ol ordinary dinner & movies.

The Broom List

 

Once again I'm getting ideas from my Twitter fam! :) 

This one is courtesy of this article from TheFrisky.com and @NoNamesJustLo (who always has something interesting to tweet). Last night she said

Before I become a Mrs it is my GOAL to attend at least two fashion weeks....one domestic and another abroad.

This got me to thinking. What are some things that I would like to accomplish or begin before I jump the broom? So here is my Broom List (I'm compiling it as I go, so who knows how many things will be on it). Some of it is a little mundane, but they are things that I feel I should and/or need to do. I don't know how many of them will actually be done before I get married, considering I do kinda see it on the horizon already. And if I happen to share some of these with my husband, that's fine. However, some of these are mandatory BEFORE I say "I do." My main reason in wanting to do most of these before marriage is because I either A) think it would be a strain that a new marriage should not have to deal with, or B) want to be able to fully experience some things JUST for ME, without any real obligations or anything to tie me down. This list may expand or shrink, who knows. But these are my pre-nuptial priorities for the moment, in no particular order.

(BTW: If you don't get the title, it's a spin off of the Bucket List, where you list things you want to do before you "kick the bucket." These are things to do before I "jump the broom." What's that you say, you don't understand "jump the broom"? *sigh* Okay, click here.)

1. Travel to Greece and/or Italy.
I have always been fascinated with these countries and would love to be able to travel to either. Being able to take in the sights and sounds I want to... having a peaceful, secluded time to focus and meditate... experiencing the country freely and at my discretion, without interference due to what someone else wants or thinks or needs.... Those things are important to me. Although I'd eventually love to experience this with the future Mr., I want to have my own "private time" there as well.

2. Receive my MBA and real estate agent's license.
I am currently working on my MBA (done December 2010 if all goes well!) and will soon begin working on my RE license. I have to have this done before I become Mrs. so-and-so for two reasons. One is because I don't want to still be in school while becoming acclimated to married life. I know some people can do this, and kudos to them, but I can only juggle so much. Secondly, if I already have these things in place, I feel that I will be in a better position career-wise and financially. I don't want to go into a marriage barely bringing anything to the table. I want to already have some things going for myself.


3. Pay off all & close most of my credit cards, pay down my major 1 or 2 cards, and eliminate as much of my student loan debt as possible.
This is another MUST. Truly, this is something that I need to do as soon as possible anyway, whether married or not. Carrying around a bunch of debt is no bueno on your psyche or your bank account. Fortunately my credit card debt isn't that high (if I get this job I'm applying for, I'll be able to have them all paid off within about 4-5 months!) but student loans are another story. I want to have a nice dent in those before walking down the isle. After all, once he & I become "we" then we also have "our" debt to deal with. I want that to be as minimal as it can be. Plus, it's always nice to know that your credit is in great shape (I'm pretty darn good right now, but I'd love to be better.)

4. Live alone for at least a year.
This is probably laughable to most of y'all, but I am serious! I know a lot of young women who either got married straight from their parents' house, or are waiting to do so. I'm still living with my folks right now (hard times, my people, hard times) but I cannot see myself going straight from their roof to living with my husband. I need a transition period. A period of freedom where I can walk around my place butt naked without fear of my hidden tat being seen or of being groped when I really don't feel like it. I want a place where I can put my inner interior designer to work without other people's input. I want to come and go as I please without the "friendly checkup calls." I want a chance to get lonely in my own place before permanently sharing my space with a man.

5. Buy my own real diamonds.
In my opinion, a girl should have at least one piece of real diamond jewelry (ring, necklace, earrings, something) that she bought for herself, just so she won't be blinded by some lackluster man and his "bling" or promises to buy her something. Of course I know not every woman looks for that or is really affected by that, but there are some that are easily impressed by the small material things. I just think that maybe they wouldn't be so easily electrified by it if they could wave their hand or pull the hair back from their ear to reveal a genuine gem and say "I've got my own. What else can you offer me?"

6. Throw a party.
For some reason, I've always pictured my married life full of dinner parties, summer backyard barbecues, Superbowl parties, book club meetings, etc. I want to be the hostess with the mostest. But then it hit me: I've never even had a little house party! So once #3 happens, I will try my hand at a nice, mid-sized theme party. I'm anxious to see how this goes...

7. Get published.This may be vain but I really don't care. I simply want something, a public record, that shows that I am about making moves, sharing thoughts & ideas, and inspiring others. I want it known that I am just as great as Ms. Tori D. as I will be as Mrs. Tori D. ________

No Wedding After Bedding?

This post is prompted by the lecture that my parents have been regurgitating repeatedly over the course of my teen years, and especially leading up to my trip to Virginia tomorrow. (It's a little scattered but bear with me; I'm trying to write, pack, do another facial & make sure I got all my ish together for tomorrow.)

They are thoroughly convinced that no man will ever marry someone who he's already had sex with. to me, this is absolutely preposterous, but they really believe that. Now, considering their ages, maybe that was true back when they were looking for someone. Of course I know people were getting it in back then without getting married. Recently I've been finding out that many of my uncles have children outside of marriage that I've never even heard of. These baby mommas were put away, never to be heard of, while they married other women who they may or may not have been with before they said "I do."

But nowadays? I mean, think about it. I won't lie and say "everyone's doing it," because I have good friends that are holding out (and KUDOS to them!). However, many many people are indeed sexually active with their partner before getting married. Notice I said BEFORE, meaning that the marriage did come. And if no one is marrying after they get the draws, how come I keep getting wedding invitations from folks I KNOW were sexually active? Can't fool me!

Now I know there are other "reasons" for not having premarital sex. Fornication's forbidden, prevent STDs, no unwanted pregnancy, yadda yadda yadda. However, to present this archaic idea as a reason that someone should abstain? Not working, at all.

So what do you think? Is there more of a chance that a guy will marry the girl he's never had? Would guys prefer virgins? How many women would want a "pure" husband (or one that she's never taken for a test drive)? I'd love to hear your answers.