Quote of the Day

I have read and heard a lot of discussion lately about love, marriage and divorce that have caused me to re-evaluate how I look at relationships. The brouhaha over Will and Jada's rumored separation yesterday was the icing on the cake. Many people seemed to think that there was no more hope for black love/black marriage/the black family. "If Will & Jada can't make it, how can weeee?" they wondered. But I was fortunate to read several comments on different sites that proved everyone hadn't lost it. My favorite basically said that all marriages end, whether by divorce or by death. People change, and sometimes those changes result in the end of a relationship. The commenter said that if his marriage ended, it wouldn't be a failed marriage, just one that had come to an end. That statement made me think of this quote, one of my favorites about love and relationships:

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”
 - Somerset Maugham

I hope and pray that when I marry, it is forever and that we can "continue to love a changed person." But I understand that it may not work out that way. The growth and evolution that each of us undergoes throughout life may eventually take us down different paths. I'd still put in work to make the marriage last, of course; there's no excuse not to do that. But if it doesn't work out, it's okay, even though I'm sure it would still hurt like hell.

What are your thoughts on this quote or the words of the commenter?

Don't Believe the Hype!

I didn't want to do this post. I didn't wanna address the Single Black Woman "problem"/"epidemic"/"phenomenon" or whatever the media is calling it today. But it's all around me so as the topic of discussion I feel I should have my say.

Why does it seem like the whole world has been on a "po' black woman aint neva gon' git married" tip lately? ("Lately" being the last year, at least) Everyone is throwing around stats about how many black men are in jail, gay, won't date black women or don't have anything past a college education, leaving aaallllll the poor black women without a man. 71% of us are single, 42% of us have never married, 50% of us are never getting married and might as well start stocking up on cats now, 3% of us may be able to get a man of another race, 100% are desperate for a man!

There's a phrase people love: "Men lie, women lie, numbers don't." Well there's another phrase out there too: "There are lies, dayumed lies, and statistics." Stats can be used to prove or disprove anything, depending on how the questions are asked and how numbers are skewed. So yes there are a lot of "single" black women. How many are single because they don't believe in the institution of marriage or just don't want to be tied down? How many are not interested in men at all? How many are not married but in serious committed relationships? Yeah there are plenty of numbers floating around out there, but ladies and gentlemen, please don't believe the hype!

All of the attention around this issue has lead to a lot of "discussion," i.e., finger pointing. On both sides. Black women saying the reason the majority of us are single is because Black men don't have their ish together. Black men saying we're single because we're too independent/controlling/bitchy/whatever. Others sitting back watching, saying "Those Blacks just can't get it together." C'mon people! Drawing lines in the sand and doing battle is no way to solve any supposed problem we're facing, especially when the problem is "us" not getting together!

Instead of making generalizations and playing the blame game, how about we all take a look inwards. Think about what you as an individual need to work on. What you want from a mate and a relationship. What you've noticed in your previous relationships that didn't work and how you plan to make improvements & prevent it from occurring again. Erase preconceived notions about "black men blah blah blah," "black women blah blah blah" and take each encounter for what its worth, not as the end all be all as far as relationships.