Don't Believe the Hype!

I didn't want to do this post. I didn't wanna address the Single Black Woman "problem"/"epidemic"/"phenomenon" or whatever the media is calling it today. But it's all around me so as the topic of discussion I feel I should have my say.

Why does it seem like the whole world has been on a "po' black woman aint neva gon' git married" tip lately? ("Lately" being the last year, at least) Everyone is throwing around stats about how many black men are in jail, gay, won't date black women or don't have anything past a college education, leaving aaallllll the poor black women without a man. 71% of us are single, 42% of us have never married, 50% of us are never getting married and might as well start stocking up on cats now, 3% of us may be able to get a man of another race, 100% are desperate for a man!

There's a phrase people love: "Men lie, women lie, numbers don't." Well there's another phrase out there too: "There are lies, dayumed lies, and statistics." Stats can be used to prove or disprove anything, depending on how the questions are asked and how numbers are skewed. So yes there are a lot of "single" black women. How many are single because they don't believe in the institution of marriage or just don't want to be tied down? How many are not interested in men at all? How many are not married but in serious committed relationships? Yeah there are plenty of numbers floating around out there, but ladies and gentlemen, please don't believe the hype!

All of the attention around this issue has lead to a lot of "discussion," i.e., finger pointing. On both sides. Black women saying the reason the majority of us are single is because Black men don't have their ish together. Black men saying we're single because we're too independent/controlling/bitchy/whatever. Others sitting back watching, saying "Those Blacks just can't get it together." C'mon people! Drawing lines in the sand and doing battle is no way to solve any supposed problem we're facing, especially when the problem is "us" not getting together!

Instead of making generalizations and playing the blame game, how about we all take a look inwards. Think about what you as an individual need to work on. What you want from a mate and a relationship. What you've noticed in your previous relationships that didn't work and how you plan to make improvements & prevent it from occurring again. Erase preconceived notions about "black men blah blah blah," "black women blah blah blah" and take each encounter for what its worth, not as the end all be all as far as relationships.

Who Am I Without Him

Guess what people? This is my last little catharsis post! Back to our regularly scheduled randomness tomorrow (or whenever lol)

For the past week or so, and especially the last couple of days, I have been trying to come to terms with something: My best is not good enough. At least, it's not always good enough for everyone, even when I'm foolish enough to think that someone could be satisfied with me.

I keep thinking that maybe if I wasn't fat... If I hadn't cut my hair... If I was smarter or prettier or more interesting or more powerful or more decisive or more or less something I wouldn't be sitting here trying to work with my eyes overflowing with tears. Maybe if I had been better somehow he wouldn't find it bothersome to be with me. If I'd sacrificed more maybe he'd see how much he meant to me and how much I was willing to do for him and he'd want me. Perhaps if I'd been willing to drop everything and move up there he'd see... But I'm not more than what I am.... And sometimes someone wants more.

 

 

That's kind of a hard thing for me to accept. I mean dayum, you know what kinda blow to the ego it is when you say "Ta-da!" and present the very best you have to offer, only for the person you want to be like "mmmmm, nah, I think I'll pass." It kinda makes you back up and say "Oooooh wow, really? Let me look at this ish again!" At least, it does for me. Thing is, I don't open up too quick or too easy to many people. But when I do, I go all in. What can I say? I'm a true Taurus: passionate, loyal, and adverse to change. Why should things change when they are good the way they are? And as far as I knew, things were good. 

Basically I did what I always do: I became so involved with him that I lost focus of who I am and what I want. Not a good practice, FYI. It's a hard habit to break, but trust me, I am better than I was in the past! But now I'm forced to answer the question "Who am I without him?" When I first began asking this, it was from a negative, pitiful standpoint. "Who am I without him? I must be nobody, I've got nothing." However, the more I think about the situation and my new-found singleness, I am taking it a different way.

On this evening, what would have been our second anniversary, I am determined to truly find out who is Tori D. As I stated earlier on twitter, it's time to focus on the super awesome amazing individual that I am, not the super awesome amazing girlfriend that I could be. This is something that I know I should have done earlier in my life, but better late than never. I've gotta get in touch with my "star player," myself. Not just until the next man comes along, but throughout any other relationships I may embark upon. I hate this feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do. I can't be lost if I already have my own direction.

 

This is for the best. I get to focus on school and real estate with no distractions. I'm going to be dedicated to getting into shape (not to attract anyone, just to make myself happier and healthier). I'll channel my passions back into my first loves: music, writing... heck, maybe even fashion design again. This is prime time to be selfish. I've been selfish about the wrong things, but it's time to correct that.

Part of me says I should've put this in the blog that no one ever sees, but I needed someone to see it so that 1) I know that I am not the only one who has gone through this and that 2) it can possibly be a help to someone in the future. 

So, there you have it. I've made my peace with it.

This post brought to you by Chris Botti & Jill Scott "Good Morning Heartache" because this song is freakin' awesome!

Good Morning Heartache - Chris Botti featuring Jill Scott