ghosts of exes past

It started again, as it so often does.

This time, it began with an innocent "Happy holidays" email.

Then it was an email to check on me, because he knows that this season is rough, considering what happened.

That lead to me looking him up on Facebook, just to see what he's been doing.

Then came the texts with the pet names....

Psycho Ex and I go through this back and forth periodically. It starts off like this, then we become friends again. I let my guard down and we get close. I realize he's trying to have his cake and eat it too--again--and tell him to kiss ass. We don't talk for months. Then an email....

Yesterday it was a "Thinking of you" text. After I didn't respond, I got this today:

I know u told me not to contact you again but i do still think about you and always hope you're doing well. Really impossible for me not 2 think of u.

*sigh* WHY LAWD?!

I want so bad to cuss him out and make him hate me, but something in me stops me from doing that. I can't say I still love him, but I did, and that truth is what makes it so hard. In some other relationships I realized that it was just infatuation so it was no big deal to say eff it. But even when I told him to lose my number there was still some hesitation. And this was almost a year after the big blowup that happened years after we were done!

But this time, I'm ready to end this little back and forth. I haven't engaged in any conversation other than a "same to you and your family" to the Happy New Year/hope all is well texts. I just can't get sucked into the back and forth. Every time I see his (unsaved) number pop up, I think about his wife and have 101 questions. Does she know he still feels this way about me, still contacts me? Has she just accepted that that's the way it is? How does he rationalize his actions in his mind? If we were together, who would he be texting on the side? Would I be so blind?

The answers to those questions really don't even matter at this point. This is a chapter in my life that should have been over long ago. You can't run from the past, can't undo it. But he's a lie if he thinks I'm ready to repeat it.

Get Out of My Head!!

For the past five, count them- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 -nights in a row, an ex has bum-rushed his way into my dreams. I don't know why; it's not like I've spent any waking time thinking about him (except to question why he was in my dreams the night before). It's pissing me off because he's progressively becoming active in the dreams. The first night he was just there as part of the crowd. Last night he was in my room brushing & smelling my hair (which was back to it's former long & silky state). Why won't dream me just run over dream-ex with a car or something?! I wonder what it's supposed to mean, or whether it means anything at all. Whenever I look up symbols to try to interpret the dreams, I don't find anything really helpful. They all say that something or someone is currently making me feel like I did during that relationship & that it may be a warning not to fall into old patterns. Well I've got nothing for that, considering that I'm not feeling anything like I was then. So what's the deal? I know some of y'all are into interpreting dreams & whatnot... Got any ideas? Gotta figure out something to keep him from barging in on my subconscious!

Randomness: Because I'm a bit scatterbrained, and that's okay...

1. I will admit, I am not the most proactive or creative person when it comes to addressing social issues. (Shocking, I'm sure) However, I am all for getting involved and supporting whatever endeavor I can. That being said, I am asking everyone to support my fellow blogger, JG over at One Fourth Random. She is raising money through December 25 to donate computers to her local library in Atlanta. (Read all about it here.) Now if I can donate something with my meager little income, surely you can! It only takes a second to do, and you'll be helping a good cause.

I'll leave this widget up at the bottom of the page, so you can come through and donate at any time! I'm sure she (and the children she's helping) will really appreciate it. And hopefully this will inspire others to get involved in their community in some way and make a difference.

2. Really random, I know, but I love this commercial!

The Queen looks absolutely beautiful (hair, makeup, clothing, the whole nine!) and Usher looks delicious. ^_^ That's really all I have on that...

3. A new career possibility has come up and I'm kinda excited about it! I won't go too much into it, but it would give me a base for one of the non-profits that I want to start as well as pad my own pockets pretty nicely... More on that as it comes.... But if I got this opportunity, I may end up moving to the city where one of my exes is and that could go either way. We've kinda talked and I'm anxious to see what--if anything--comes of it. Of course, I know I said I would use this time to focus on me, and I am. Besides, it would be at least several months before I would be out there. But I've been listening to his music (Google is the debbil y'all, I swear) and feel myself melting, like "This is what did it in the first place..." And before anyone thinks it, NO I would not be going out there for him! There are two other cities of interest where I could end up... This is just my first choice....

4. Speaking of music, I have definitely hit a sweet spot! Writer's block what? I feel like I'm not even writing really; the songs are just jumping out AT ME! I love it! I've come to realize something: I could never be an R&B artist. Although I've never really tried to classify my music, I know it doesn't fit the usual formula for popular R&B today. It has more of a jazzy/neo-soul type feel to it. And I'm definitely okay with that! (Plus, I don't dance. *shrug*)

5. To end, you know I have to get in a quote or two. These are courtesy of Anais Nin.

“How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.” 

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger than reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”

Who Am I Without Him

Guess what people? This is my last little catharsis post! Back to our regularly scheduled randomness tomorrow (or whenever lol)

For the past week or so, and especially the last couple of days, I have been trying to come to terms with something: My best is not good enough. At least, it's not always good enough for everyone, even when I'm foolish enough to think that someone could be satisfied with me.

I keep thinking that maybe if I wasn't fat... If I hadn't cut my hair... If I was smarter or prettier or more interesting or more powerful or more decisive or more or less something I wouldn't be sitting here trying to work with my eyes overflowing with tears. Maybe if I had been better somehow he wouldn't find it bothersome to be with me. If I'd sacrificed more maybe he'd see how much he meant to me and how much I was willing to do for him and he'd want me. Perhaps if I'd been willing to drop everything and move up there he'd see... But I'm not more than what I am.... And sometimes someone wants more.

 

 

That's kind of a hard thing for me to accept. I mean dayum, you know what kinda blow to the ego it is when you say "Ta-da!" and present the very best you have to offer, only for the person you want to be like "mmmmm, nah, I think I'll pass." It kinda makes you back up and say "Oooooh wow, really? Let me look at this ish again!" At least, it does for me. Thing is, I don't open up too quick or too easy to many people. But when I do, I go all in. What can I say? I'm a true Taurus: passionate, loyal, and adverse to change. Why should things change when they are good the way they are? And as far as I knew, things were good. 

Basically I did what I always do: I became so involved with him that I lost focus of who I am and what I want. Not a good practice, FYI. It's a hard habit to break, but trust me, I am better than I was in the past! But now I'm forced to answer the question "Who am I without him?" When I first began asking this, it was from a negative, pitiful standpoint. "Who am I without him? I must be nobody, I've got nothing." However, the more I think about the situation and my new-found singleness, I am taking it a different way.

On this evening, what would have been our second anniversary, I am determined to truly find out who is Tori D. As I stated earlier on twitter, it's time to focus on the super awesome amazing individual that I am, not the super awesome amazing girlfriend that I could be. This is something that I know I should have done earlier in my life, but better late than never. I've gotta get in touch with my "star player," myself. Not just until the next man comes along, but throughout any other relationships I may embark upon. I hate this feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do. I can't be lost if I already have my own direction.

 

This is for the best. I get to focus on school and real estate with no distractions. I'm going to be dedicated to getting into shape (not to attract anyone, just to make myself happier and healthier). I'll channel my passions back into my first loves: music, writing... heck, maybe even fashion design again. This is prime time to be selfish. I've been selfish about the wrong things, but it's time to correct that.

Part of me says I should've put this in the blog that no one ever sees, but I needed someone to see it so that 1) I know that I am not the only one who has gone through this and that 2) it can possibly be a help to someone in the future. 

So, there you have it. I've made my peace with it.

This post brought to you by Chris Botti & Jill Scott "Good Morning Heartache" because this song is freakin' awesome!

Good Morning Heartache - Chris Botti featuring Jill Scott