My Subconscious Is Out To Get Me

I am convinced that my psyche has declared some kind of war on my mental stability. That is the only semi-logical explanation for the strange dreams I have. Truthfully I have always had rather... interesting dreams, I should say. Several places pop up over and over again. I usually dream about Mr. Magic Voice whenever a big change is coming. And I have a recurring dream about an argument with a family member that, over the years, has gone from ending with the silent treatment to ending with murder. O_O

Over the last three or four weeks, I have had almost nightly dreams featuring my exes, almosts, and boo thangs from about the past five years or so. In most of them things are almost normal between us, even though in the dream I am well aware of what happened between us. In some of them I get revenge in one way or another (usually its by being so fine they can't contain themselves & I sing "Neva Gonna Get It." *shrug* Don't ask). And a couple of the dreams would even make Pinky blush. But more often than not, I'm wondering "what the hell are you doing here?"

[caption id="attachment_2115" align="aligncenter" width="319" caption=""For real you guys, y'all can't just loiter in my head like this...""][/caption]

That was the case last night. I was at my 10 year high school reunion catching up with old friends when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was SupaBlack. He still had the same starter locs that he was wearing a few years ago. He said he wanted me to meet someone named Chris. Chris looked just like him, down to the baby locs, dark skin and square glasses. He was a few inches taller than SupaBlack, but still wasn't as tall as me. I gave him the once over, then looked back at SupaBlack to ask "Ummm, why are you here?" And it was a logical question, considering that 1) SupaBlack graduated two years after me, 2) I went to school in MS & he was in VA and 3) he would have no reason to know jack squat about my reunion. But when do dreams ever follow logic?

People say that dreams are the results of your brain trying to process all of the information you take in and emotions you experience in your waking life. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Don't even know if I believe that. After all, it's not as if I spend time thinking about these folks. I have actively tried not to think about them when necessary, and have done a pretty darn good job of repressing most of those memories. But that old subconscious just won't let me be! And how do you even fight back with... yourself? I don't think you can. Or, maybe you can, but you'll probably go insane in the process. So hopefully soon I'll go back to dreaming about crazy church folks or running from the cops. (Don't judge me!) If not, I'll know for sure that my subconscious is definitely out to get me.

P.S.: I also dreamed about Mr. Magic Voice. In the dream he & his wife were visiting my Big Momma. The next day I decided to look up his wife (who I'd never seen). I found a picture of her and she looked JUST like the woman in my dream. Creeped me out! Google is the debbil.

Afternoon Quickie: Never Too Late

I hope all of you had a wonderful Labor Day! It was pretty overcast here, thanks to tropical storm Lee. So I stayed indoors and worked on myself, inside and out. On the outside, I took care of my hair, face, hands and feet. Inside? Well, that's a bit more complicated. I'm reading business, writing... Basically trying to push myself towards the life I really want. My goal for today (and for life, really) is to realize that it is never too late to be who I might have been. (That's a paraphrased George Eliot quote by the way.)

Recently, I've been reading more and more about people who decided to forgo the "safe" path and follow their dreams, even when they were well into their 50s and 60s. Here I am in my mid-20s, why shouldn't I go for it? The thing now is determining what to go for and how to go after it. I'm seriously considering going back to school, this time for a Masters in Public Relations and Corporate Communications. Although some may see pursuing another Masters as overkill, I see it fitting perfectly in my grand scheme of things. For a while I beat myself up for not looking into PR while I was in undergrad (after I realized fashion design was out, I blindly chose business administration under the assumption that I would always be able to find a job with that). But I quickly realized that focusing on that bad decision would get me nowhere. Instead, I needed to find a solution for the here and now. Once I set my sights on that, things because clearer and I was able to start taking steps towards the life I want.

I'm encouraging each of you to follow your passions. Whether it is changing careers, going back to school, running a marathon or simply learning to cook a different cuisine... Whatever you want to do is within your reach. As long as you're breathing, it's not too late. So what are you waiting for? Go out and make something happen!

Get Out of My Head!!

For the past five, count them- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 -nights in a row, an ex has bum-rushed his way into my dreams. I don't know why; it's not like I've spent any waking time thinking about him (except to question why he was in my dreams the night before). It's pissing me off because he's progressively becoming active in the dreams. The first night he was just there as part of the crowd. Last night he was in my room brushing & smelling my hair (which was back to it's former long & silky state). Why won't dream me just run over dream-ex with a car or something?! I wonder what it's supposed to mean, or whether it means anything at all. Whenever I look up symbols to try to interpret the dreams, I don't find anything really helpful. They all say that something or someone is currently making me feel like I did during that relationship & that it may be a warning not to fall into old patterns. Well I've got nothing for that, considering that I'm not feeling anything like I was then. So what's the deal? I know some of y'all are into interpreting dreams & whatnot... Got any ideas? Gotta figure out something to keep him from barging in on my subconscious!

Previouscats or Learning from the past?

Okay, sooo lately I've been noticing some things ("little" things, some would say) that my current whatever-he-is-since-he-doesn't-have-a-title does that are a lot like the trifling sh*t my ex started doing near the end of our relationship. Not necessarily make-or-break things since I don't know the full story behind what's fueling it, but things that have definitely made me perk my ears up and go "Hmmmmm."

Now I hate to be the stereotypical woman who carries over baggage from one relationship to another. I don't say "All men are alike" because I know for a fact that that's just not true. I know these are two totally different guys, different personalities and characters. In some ways they are similar, but in most they are nothing alike... But am I wrong to see certain things as red flags since they've occurred before?

At what point does one go from simply learning from past mistakes and experiences to dealing with a "previouscats" situation? Is it when I start to ask questions about what's going on? When I simply start to compare the incidences? When I say "I know you're doing blah blah blah, because you did/said/went blah blah blah..."? I have so many questions that I want to ask based on the "little" things that he's doing because when I look back on those "little things" in the past, I see that they should have been blaring warning signs.

So is there a difference? Or is it simply a matter of "tomato, to-mah-to"?

 

ETA: So I went over to dreammoods.com to see if there was anything I could find about why my ex has been popping up in my dreams lately. This came up and I found it to be interesting considering this post:

Ex To dream about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or that you and
your ex got back together again, suggests that something or someone in your
current life that is bringing out similar feelings you felt during the
relationship with your ex. The dream may be a way of alerting you to the same or
similar behavior in a current relationship. What you learn from that previous
relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat
the same mistake. Alternatively, past lovers often highlight the positive
experiences you had with that person. It could also signify aspects of yourself
that you have x'd out or neglected.

 

Today's Randomness: "Is that a challenge?", Update on the Upgrade and Daddy Issues

"Is that a challenge?"
I've come to realize that I've become a person who likes to prove people wrong. (Ikey Baybee can attest to that, as I prove him wrong on a daily basis LOL) Sometimes I will go to great lengths just to fulfill this compulsive desire to be right and to win. And occasionally I end up doing something good for myself in the process. I was sick of my long boring hair but didn't build up the courage to cut it until I heard this incredibly stupid comment, "You're not gonna be cute without your hair and your boyfriend isn't gonna like you!" *record scratch* WHAAAAT?! Is this second grade? I chopped it soon after that. Now I'm choosing to go natural because people are telling me that either I won't look "right" with natural hair (whatever that means) and that it'll be too hard for me to maintain. So of course that means I gotta do it & have to make sure my lil fro is on point whenever I do the big chop. AND I'm more motivated to get into shape to combat the ridiculous stereotype of all Zetas being fat, black and ugly. (Ugly? Have you seen this face boo? And yes I'm black but I wear my cioccolata amara skin proudly. But fat? Holla at me in a few months...)

Update on The Upgrade
Speaking of making changes, so far The Upgrade is going well! (What upgrade, you say? How dare you not click here and find out what I'm talking about!) Right now I am focusing on two things: organizing and un-cluttering (my space, my mind, my life... lol) and becoming fiscally responsible. I admit that I'm a hoarder and not the neatest person. *hangs head in shame* But even so, I realize that I tend to be calmer and think clearer when there is some form of order and simplicity in my surroundings. The fact that I stay in a relatively crowded, cluttered space can't be good for my psyche, so I'm working to improve that. And as far as the money thing... Well how can I expect to be trusted with a better salary if I can't be a good steward of what I already have? (Yeah, that's Bible; I read occasionally lol) Besides, I can't truly be on my "Grown woman ish" if my bank account looks like I'm still receiving a measly allowance! Not good! lol

Daddy Issues
Something else that's not so good: my relationship with my father. It's no real shock that we aren't close, but I am slightly surprised that it's affected my subconscious the way it has. Over the last several years, I've had a recurring dream, but only recently realized that it was the same dream with changes in minor details. The main elements are always the same: My mom, dad & I are at our old house (the one I grew up in as a kid). Something random and minute sets my dad off and he and I get into it. During our argument, he turns his anger towards my mom as she tries to mediate. We usually get in each others' face, sometimes actually throwing blows. I always warn my mom that she needs to get out and leave him while she can, that she doesn't need to be with him. She never listens. I always wake up as he raises his hand to hit her. I don't know what the hell these dreams mean or why I keep having them. As much as I can't stand my father, he's never been physically abusive, so why would I dream that? I had the dream again last night and woke up in tears. I really don't even know who to talk to about it.

Okay, I think that's enough random rambling from me tonight. I need some rest. Deuces.

Tori D.'s Weird Dreams

I am no stranger to the wonderful world of weird and wacky dreams. I love delving into what they mean, because a lot of times my dreams either come true almost exactly like they happened in the dream (especially if I have it more than once) or warn me of decisions & their possible outcomes. Strange, yes, but I love it.

So recently I've had several strange dreams. Since I'm bad about remembering dreams, I only have two to share today. The thing is, I'm not sure what these dreams are saying or if they do indeed mean anything. They may just be the product of my mind sifting through the randomness of the day, who knows. But anyway, here goes:

1. I was walking down the street with a group of friends when we saw a wedding party walking down the street into a quaint little church in the middle of a downtown area. One of my friends asked, "You know (i forget the guy's name) is getting married right?" Apparently it was someone I was crushing on. I ran behind the wedding party, and sure enough, it was him. I tried to get in to see the wedding, but the doors were locked behind them and inside it was standing room only. My friends and I left, and we went out to eat and talk. When I got back to my hotel, the wedding party was taking pictures in the lobby. Somehow, I had on the exact same dress that the bridesmaids had. I tried to bypass the group, but I couldn't get to the elevator without walking right through the area. I glanced at the groom, who kind of smiled & then looked at the bride, who was giving me the evil eye. I quickly got on the glass elevator and watched them watch me from below.

2. The second dream is a little fuzzy. I remember leaving work and I was supposed to be going out to eat with Ikey Baybee. We ended up at a Chuck E. Cheese type place with some other adults & their kids running around. I had to excuse myself from the table for a second, and when I returned there was a Middle Eastern woman sitting in my seat by him. (I assume she was Middle Eastern due to her skin tone, accent, and the fact that she had her head & most of her face covered). I asked why she was in my seat, but neither one of them responded. When I looked at Ikey Baybee, he had on a big black turban. They were leaned in closely, whispering and laughing. I sat at a table behind them for a while, leaning in, straining to hear them. Finally I gave up and went home. For some reason, there was also a car chase through an airport, but I'm not sure how that came into place...

Anyway, this is just proof that even in my subconscious, I'm about as random as they come. But what if there is a deeper meaning? And if there is one, what is it? I would love to know!