Morning Quickie: Real Friends Call You Out on Your Ish

I am so thankful for my friends. Even though they can work my nerves sometimes, they are there for me when I need them.

Case in point: ex-bestie. We haven't talked in forever. He's the one that I "broke up" with over my hair. But he called last night to catch up. Of course the first topic of discussion was relationships. I let him know about no longer being with Bartender and about the situation with Mr. Madrigal. (I won't go into it, but basically it doesn't look like that is going anywhere. Oh well.) Fortunately I was over it when we talked, due to a sermon that was meant just for me. Ex-bestie basically ripped me a new butthole. After laughing at me--like a real, from-the-gut laugh--he said, "Tori you know what I realized? You're a hopeless romantic in a bitter shell! I mean, I always knew it, but it just hit me again!" Well dayum dude, WTF? I couldn't argue with him too much, because I knew he was right... With the exception of the bitter part. I'm not bitter, just guarded until someone appears to be worth letting that guard down.

Anyway, we talked most of the night, about that and my other relationships, as well as his. Don't worry, I called him out on some things too! But the whole convo made me appreciative for the folks who know me well enough to listen sympathetically to my stories of woe and still tell me when I need to get myself together. He hasn't earned the "bestie" title back by any means, and I refuse to discuss hair with him ever again, but it feels good to know that someone is still there for me when I need it most.

Afternoon Quickie: What I've realized about kids

So I had some sort of epiphany. It's about having kids. I won't say that I don't want them. Rather, they aren't essential to my happiness. Some people, women and men, live for the time when they can create a life. I happen to not be one of those people. Although I do sometimes feel those "I want a baby!" pangs, it isn't a major life goal. But it has dawned on me that I could be happy with kids, if my husband wanted them. And we would have to have some long, hard, serious discussions about it before we just start trying to make a baby. But if I marry someone who doesn't want kids (or *le sigh* don't get married at all, which is looking more and more like a possibility) then I'm good with that as well.

I think the major factor in me wanting/not wanting kids before has been whether I was with someone who appeared to have great daddy potential. And I'll certainly be looking at that when/if I get married. But now I can see a good, fun-filled, adventurous life whether there are little ones in it or not.

[caption id="attachment_2015" align="aligncenter" width="442" caption="oh shoot, i get it now!"][/caption]

In Another Blogger's Words...

2011 ended on a high for me, but that high was a set up. This first week of 2012 has been way way low. Ten miles til empty low. Journey to the Center of the Earth low. Barry White's voice low (but without all the implied sexiness). I may or may not have been a weepy, almost catatonic mess for the past two days. I may or may not have written several emo poems, letters and short stories. And I may or may not have called and texted even when I promised myself that I wouldn't because "I don't chase dick, I don't care who it is!" (A statement that I have proudly proclaimed many times before.)

Anyway, as I'm going through my blogroll that was neglected during those five reality-free days, I came across a post on This Single Life. I haven't been following the blog for long, but always enjoy the posts. This particular post, "My Muchness Pt. II" started with a quote from a 2010 post. She states:

You made yourself think this is someone special because you liked them, but liking them doesn’t make them special, it doesn’t make them good at dating, it doesn’t make you good at dating and simply liking someone doesn’t promise that it’s going to work out.

Well damn, lady, just tell my whole story why dontcha. And actually she did. When I went back to read "My Muchness" I was kinda surprised at some of the parallels between what she was dealing with then and what I'm feeling now. So I won't even try to verbalize what is going on in my head right now. The words of another blogger can speak for me this time.

What Books Are You Starting the New Year With?

I seem to have some kind of reading-related ADD; somehow I always end up reading multiple books simultaneously instead of one at a time. Now that I've pretty much given up physical books (except for when I can't find an e-book version) it has gotten worse! At this present time, I am reading four books... Actually that's not too bad considering I've tried juggling around ten books. These are the books that I'm currently into.

1. Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity by Kerry Cohen
I'm always enthralled by people who are bold enough to tell their personal stories, partially because I'm sometimes terrified to tell my own. In this book Kerry Cohen talks about how she used the attention from men to fill the emptiness of not feeling loved or worthwhile. I just started this book two days ago, but so far her story is an interesting one.

2. You, Inc.: The Art of Selling Yourself by Harry Beckwith and Christine K. Clifford
Recently it occurred to me that while I am trying to get my businesses to really take off this year, the primary thing that I am marketing is myself. I need to let potential clients and customers know why they should do business with me first. Once they are sold on me, I can sell them on the services and products. So I started looking for books on how to promote yourself, and this is the first of several books on the topic that I plan to read. The book packs a ton of great lessons in brief, easy-to-read chapters. Some of it I've heard, some of it I haven't. So far, it hasn't disappointed.

3. Monday Morning Leadership by David Cottrell
This is one of those books I have to read for work. As short as it is I really should be done by now, but... *sigh* I'm not. My goal is to finish it over the weekend so I can be done with it once and for all! It would probably be more interesting to me if I were in a management position, or if it gave some radical new perspective on managing, but I'm not and it doesn't. Meh.

4. Business Plan in a Day by Rhonda Abrams
Okay, I'm not so much reading it as I am working through it. And yes, it's taking me much longer than a day to do it (although if I actually set aside a whole day I think I could complete it). Considering that I am trying to craft business plans for two very different businesses, I don't know if this book will completely address everything that I will need for both of them. However, it does a good job of covering the basics and refreshing my memory as to what needs to be included in this all-important document.

Considering that I still have over 100 books on my to-read list, I'd say I already have my work cut out for me this year. My goal is only 20, though, and I have a pretty good idea which books will make it. Tina Fey's Bossypants, 12 Bad Habits that Hold Good People Back, Hello Kitty Must Die and Longing To Tell will make up the next round of books I tackle.

Do you have a reading list ready for the year, or do you just pick up whatever happens to strike your fancy?

Ain't I A Woman?

“Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain’t I a woman?” Since joining the “real world,” Sojourner Truth’s words have resonated with me. As I child, I was taught to be self-reliant because there would be times when I could not count on anyone else. However, I was also taught to expect certain things from a gentleman: holding the door open, helping with packages if I seem overwhelmed, respect, cordiality. And when I worked mostly with other African-Americans, I received those little gestures of chivalry more often than not.

But once I entered a more diverse workforce, I noticed a shift in the attitudes and actions towards not just myself but black women as a whole. One particular incident stands out in my mind: Another woman and I were both exiting the building where I worked. One of my coworkers was walking in, but stopped to hold the door open for the white woman who was only maybe three feet ahead of me. Once she was out of the door, he looked at me and walked on in, letting the door close and nearly knocking me down. I was dumbfounded.

If that were an isolated incident, I wouldn’t have any ground for beef. But I’ve seen and experienced many incidents where black women were simply not given the same courtesy as white women, in the workplace as well as in random social situations. The perpetrators have varied in age and race, which left me even more perplexed. Those acts of geniality aren’t necessarily required, and I’ve come to not expect them either.  But I have to wonder why there is a difference between the way black women are treated versus the treatment of our white counterparts. Is it because black women are supposed to be strong enough to not need assistance? Are we considered less than worthy of such small displays of cordiality? Or is it not necessarily about us, but rather about the pedestal that many people place white women on?

My query is not a complaint, but one of simple curiosity. Even in small, somewhat trivial matters, we see a discrepancy in attitudes and actions. One hundred and sixty years later, I’m still asking the same question. “Ain’t I a woman?”

"The Waiting Game"

It's been a long time since I posted some poetry, huh? Well this poem is still very rough, very new... But I felt the need to get it out there since it's relevant now. By the time it appears in a book (it is coming... one day....) it'll be polished.

my least favorite game is the waiting game,
mainly because i'm impatient
so i always lose.
but also because i don't know the rules...
how long do i wait?
what to do til then?
and if i wait too long do i lose or do i win?
i think of a hundred things
that could have been done better,
that could have been said sweeter
or not at all.
while sitting there, waiting for that call
i'm a nervous wreck
so sure that he's already moved on to the next
and i've only played myself.
during the waiting game it feels like he has
the upper hand
since i leave it to the man to make the move.
but what if i do?
if i make a move instead
i lose the waiting game
but may get closer to my prize...
still, i stay paralyzed
mostly out of fear
and somewhat out of pride.
i check the phone again
but i refuse to dial;
i'm playing the waiting game,
and i'll win,
or lose,
after a while.

Quote of the Day

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Albert Einstein

 So here we are, facing a brand new year. No doubt many of you have made resolutions and have big plans for the year. I certainly have some things up my sleeves; I need 2012 to be a breakout year for me (and my businesses)! Now the question is not what we want to do, but how do we plan to do it? Go back and evaluate what you have done in the past to move towards your goal. If it's still a goal and not an accomplishment that you can cross off, then something can be done differently. Maybe there is a need for a complete 180 in your strategy. You could simply need to adjust the level of activity needed to make your dream a reality. Or perhaps you just need to just get off of that "I wish" and start doing!

Objectively review your goals to find the changes that can be made. Not getting a clear direction of how you should go? Enlist the help of a mentor or an honest, knowledgeable friend. Just don't go through this year doing the same thing you did last year and expecting different results.