Has My Hair Stopped Growing?!

Seriously, it looks like it's not budging an inch. I know, I know, I just got this cut about four weeks ago... but I'm ready for it to start growing! So far it looks like I've got the same little bit of new growth that I had when I first posted a pic of my hair. I'm tempted to start experimenting with some of those products that claim to make your hair grow, but I'm a little apprehensive since I am admittedly not a "hair person" (i.e., I dunno what I'm doing). Plus my aunt/hairdresser says that they don't work anyway.

What say you? Have you used any of these creams, shampoos, oils, etc. that claim to promote hair growth? Did they work? Help a sista out. I'm still not quite used to having short hair!!

Who Am I Without Him

Guess what people? This is my last little catharsis post! Back to our regularly scheduled randomness tomorrow (or whenever lol)

For the past week or so, and especially the last couple of days, I have been trying to come to terms with something: My best is not good enough. At least, it's not always good enough for everyone, even when I'm foolish enough to think that someone could be satisfied with me.

I keep thinking that maybe if I wasn't fat... If I hadn't cut my hair... If I was smarter or prettier or more interesting or more powerful or more decisive or more or less something I wouldn't be sitting here trying to work with my eyes overflowing with tears. Maybe if I had been better somehow he wouldn't find it bothersome to be with me. If I'd sacrificed more maybe he'd see how much he meant to me and how much I was willing to do for him and he'd want me. Perhaps if I'd been willing to drop everything and move up there he'd see... But I'm not more than what I am.... And sometimes someone wants more.

 

 

That's kind of a hard thing for me to accept. I mean dayum, you know what kinda blow to the ego it is when you say "Ta-da!" and present the very best you have to offer, only for the person you want to be like "mmmmm, nah, I think I'll pass." It kinda makes you back up and say "Oooooh wow, really? Let me look at this ish again!" At least, it does for me. Thing is, I don't open up too quick or too easy to many people. But when I do, I go all in. What can I say? I'm a true Taurus: passionate, loyal, and adverse to change. Why should things change when they are good the way they are? And as far as I knew, things were good. 

Basically I did what I always do: I became so involved with him that I lost focus of who I am and what I want. Not a good practice, FYI. It's a hard habit to break, but trust me, I am better than I was in the past! But now I'm forced to answer the question "Who am I without him?" When I first began asking this, it was from a negative, pitiful standpoint. "Who am I without him? I must be nobody, I've got nothing." However, the more I think about the situation and my new-found singleness, I am taking it a different way.

On this evening, what would have been our second anniversary, I am determined to truly find out who is Tori D. As I stated earlier on twitter, it's time to focus on the super awesome amazing individual that I am, not the super awesome amazing girlfriend that I could be. This is something that I know I should have done earlier in my life, but better late than never. I've gotta get in touch with my "star player," myself. Not just until the next man comes along, but throughout any other relationships I may embark upon. I hate this feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do. I can't be lost if I already have my own direction.

 

This is for the best. I get to focus on school and real estate with no distractions. I'm going to be dedicated to getting into shape (not to attract anyone, just to make myself happier and healthier). I'll channel my passions back into my first loves: music, writing... heck, maybe even fashion design again. This is prime time to be selfish. I've been selfish about the wrong things, but it's time to correct that.

Part of me says I should've put this in the blog that no one ever sees, but I needed someone to see it so that 1) I know that I am not the only one who has gone through this and that 2) it can possibly be a help to someone in the future. 

So, there you have it. I've made my peace with it.

This post brought to you by Chris Botti & Jill Scott "Good Morning Heartache" because this song is freakin' awesome!

Good Morning Heartache - Chris Botti featuring Jill Scott

My People on Love

sorry yall, bear with me! i'll be on to more randomness soon!

A happy but miserable state in which man finds himself from time to time; sometimes he believes he is happy by loving, then suddenly he finds how miserable he is. It is all joy, it sweetens life, but it does not last. It comes and goes, but when it is active, there is no greater virtue, because it makes one supremely happy.
Marcus Garvey

Everybody need a partner to stand right by their side. Not only down for the good times. But also down through the bad times.
Will Smith

I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart.
Alice Walker

Love is like a faucet, it turns off and on.
Billie Holiday

Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all.
Toni Morrison

The sweetest joy, the wildest woe is love.
Pearl Bailey

The things we truly love stay with us always, locked in our hearts as long as life remains.
Josephine Baker

Don't Fight It!

One thing that I've always had a problem with, even after getting a fresh perm, is getting my hair to do what I want it to do. It's always had a mind of its own. When I want it straight, it goes curly. When I want to wear it up, it refuses any and all association with anything that can make that happen. It frizzes at the thought of rain.

Lately, however, I have been trying something new: letting my hair do what it wants to. It does it's own thing anyway, so why fight it? Instead, I'm trying to work with it. I won't lie, it is a little frustrating to me, especially now that I've cut my hair. Before, I could just say "forget it!" and throw my hair into a ponytail. Now... not so much!

In the past week, my hair has done whatever, even after washing & setting it. I've done

What's really been surprising to me is that when I let my hair do what it does, I get more compliments than when I wrestle with it forever! Who knew?!

Phase II

Or the "fugg you! I don't need you, I got Jose!" stage.

Senseless Killing

That is all I can call this. A boy is KILLED over NOTHING. I could not stop crying as I watched this video because all I could think about was "Is this what my younger cousins will have to deal with as they grow up? Is this the kind of world I would want to bring children into?" Where are we failing? What are these parents teaching their children? What is NOT being told and shown to them while they are young and impressionable? What has them thinking that this type of behavior is okay? Why is this mentality so rampant in our community?

I have so many questions and so many feelings right now about this but I'm utterly speechless... This is insanity.

A few links concerning the beating and arrest of suspects:
Huffington Post
CNN
Chicago Breaking News

I am currently looking to see if there is any way to make a contribution to his family or if there is anything being done in his name for teen violence prevention. If anyone finds anything before I do, please let me know so I can share it.

A few questions

just a lil catharsis post... if you can't laugh at your own troubles, you don't get the right to laugh at others, IMO. and i do a lot of laughing at others...

As a newly single woman, I've decided to bypass the whole mopey period (or not really bypass it; I was in it for the last week even before the official split) and jump back into the single girl game again. But before I do, here are my top three questions that need to be answered. After all, I'm a little rusty :)

1. What is the official "hey I'm single now!" ringtone? Last time I was single it was Trina's "Single Again." And of course I know "Single Ladies" but I'm tired of it (even though I sing it energetically when I hear it... and even though I think this video is hecka cute ^_^). Please tell me there's something else!

2. Where do you gals usually go to meet guys to kick it with? I don't do clubs. Definitely not doing churches because 80% are gay* and 60% are married*. (Yes, you read those number right; you do the math! lol) I hear work is an okay place, but there's nothing here but women and old white guys... What are my options for meeting cool, non-wannabe-thugs (that may possibly be willing & able to buy some drinks and pay some bills.... lol)

3. Has anyone invented a lame-nigga repellent yet? If not, they need to. I'd do several varieties: Bitch-nigga-be-gone, Lil-dick-away, married-man-move-on, etc. I'm sure there's a market for that.

So ummm, yeah. These are my questions! Let's go with these answers and tips and whatnot! =D


*these figures were pulled out of my butt just this morning. idk if there is any fact to them. but it seems like the numbers may not be far off.

A Note to the self-righteous "conscious" brothers and sisters

Had to do this late night post cuz I keep reading and hearing this bullish and felt the need to address it, even though I've addressed it in several forums. I gotta speak for my sisters who are rocking permed hair.



PERMED HAIR DOES NOT EQUAL SELF HATE!

Let me say it again for those who can't catch things the first time around:

PERMED HAIR DOES NOT EQUAL SELF HATE!

PERMED HAIR DOES NOT EQUAL SELF HATE!

PERMED HAIR DOES NOT EQUAL SELF HATE!

PERMED HAIR DOES NOT EQUAL SELF HATE!!!!!!

It is absolutely beyond me why people who claim to be all about lifing our people feel the need to down someone over how they chose to wear their hair. Really? Just because I have a perm I must not love myself, don't love being black, want acceptance from white men, etc? That is the biggest bunch of bullish i've ever heard. Now of course i'm sure there are SOME who have issues with self image, but don't believe the hype like all natural sisters are 100% A-OK with how they look 24/7. Speaking as a woman who has had a perm for the better part of my 24 years, I can say that I have NEVER taken issue with being black. I honestly never even thought about natural vs. permed until I got to college. Perms were just a regular part of my hair care. Didn't mean I was trying to be something I'm not. Didn't mean I wasn't satisfied with myself. So why the hell do these people assume that anyone with relaxed hair is self-hating? And then why do they act as if their permed sisters are beneath them? WTF?! So not only do I have to deal with the racist bullish from white folks, but now "my people" want to add their own oppression into the equation (since I'm still technically permed)? I call bullish. Bullish bullish bullish. I keep saying it because I keep seeing it. It's bullish, it's wrong, and it's yet another Willie Lynch tactic being put into affect by those that readily call out the Willie Lynch-ism of other ish.

and besides, let me ask this: I wear makeup, does that mean I'm self-hating? I wear clothes instead of running around butt ass naked. So does that mean I hate my body? I have a tattoo. Does that mean I'm not satisfied with the skin God gave me? When I am finally natural, I'm still going to style it instead of leaving it uncombed, unstyled, unwashed (i.e., TRULY natural). Will that be good enough then?!

Sometimes I wanna just shave my head and say FUCK IT to both sides. But then someone would have something to say about that too. I'd be "trying to be a man" or some ish. I dunno, but the next time I hear some stupid ish like that, I'm putting someone in their place.

/end rant

WTF

No seriously, WTF?! A "goonette sorority," really? And Plies' bro is proud of the fact that he went to prison on drug charges instead of going to law school as he initially planned? GTFOOHWTBS!



Niggas...

A Slice, A Half, A Whole

 

 

This morning, while I was supposed to be getting ready for work, I was on Twitter doing my usual routine of "Good morning," responding to my missed replies, etc. I saw that one of my girls re-tweeted something from Rev. Run, and it got me to thinking.

@BlackBeauty85 RT @RevRunWisdom: 1 lady said about her husbands long wrk hrs.“I'd rather have a slice of a gr8 man than the whole of an average man” (wrk!)

@BlackBeauty85 RT @RevRunWisdom: REFUSE TO BE AVERAGE!!!

While I definitely co-sign the rejection of being average (to me that's just a polite term for mediocre) I don't know whether I can completely agree with the first tweet. I responded:

@KittyPurrfecta Of course, having the whole great man would be great, or at least half. If you only have a slice, is that enough to be satisfied? Hmmm....

 

I understand what the quote was supposed to mean, and to a point I agree. I would much rather a man work hard to help provide for his family than to barely work or have a lazy attitude when he needs to have drive and initiative. That just would not do, and that type of man wouldn't last long enough with me to even think about marriage.

However, I am a bit selfish. (I blame it on my condition: onlychildism.) When I have something or someone truly great, I want it all to myself! Of course, I realize I can't have my way all the time and at some point I have to share. And I'm okay with that. You can't and shouldn't attempt to contain greatness. I understand. I would be willing to support him in any way I could. But I should be content with a slice? Naw, homie, I don't think that's gonna work! 

Here's what I think of when I think of having a "slice" of a man:

• Having a man that puts work before family


• Him not truly being "at home" even when he's physically there at home (example: not being able to talk to me because he is so wrapped up in talking to colleagues & handling business, even though he's "off work")


• Barely seeing him in passing


• Him not being willing to put other things on hold for just a while to spend time with me/his family


• Him using the majority of his time, attention, passion and money elsewhere

I know where some of you all went when you read this. "Well what about Michelle? I'm sure she doesn't get to spend time with Barack like she wants to, blah blah blah." Guess what? Although I'm fabulous and a great woman in my own right, I am not Michelle! I'm Tori D. and I need attention!

No, I don't plan on being one of those wives who basically sit around all day waiting to dote on their husbands. With the career that (I think) I'm going to pursue, I'm sure I will be working long hours at times too. Be that as it may, I'll be working those long hours so that I can have a couple weeks out of the year to travel, spend time with hubby, family and friends. I'm working to live, not living to work. If I have this "slice of a great man" will I be able to say the same thing about him? What's the point of being able to travel to exotic locales and whatnot if I don't have my partner with me? All I'll be thinking about is the fact that I'm in a new, romantic place and not getting any. That's when the eyes start to wander.... (Just being honest folks! lol)

So I can settle for half of a great man. Still better than a whole average man, in my opinion. With that half a great man, maybe we can take one two-week long vacay a year instead of a week-long one every three or four months. (Yes, I really planned on doing that.) Instead of having dinner together every day, it'll just be on Sundays and occasionally a Saturday. I may not be able to have him with me on every special occasion or every event that the kids have, but with half of a great man at least I can have anniversaries, maybe birthdays... And best of all, unlike with a "whole average man," I still get my space when I need it and won't be made to feel as guilty when I spend longer than I planned in the office or out with clients.

 

But a slice of a man? Oh no. For me, that slice is about as useless as that pie chart, and probably just as frustrating and difficult to understand.

Stay In Your Lane

So I was at work today, doing my usual post-lunch internet perusal at the front desk, when I came across this post on Shine saying that Tyra lied on her "real hair" episode because the poster didn't feel that permed hair is "real hair." It was explained in the comments over and over that "real hair" is without weave, wigs, extensions, etc. However, from her little editor's note (below) she still doesn't get it:

Editors note: Some comments are insisting that I don't get it. While I'll admit I can never experience what it's like to be a black woman, I have had several of chemical treatments done on my hair, from changing the texture to the color. I grew up with thick ringlets of curls I wasn't happy with and sweat it out with a flat iron too. I dyed my hair every color from red to purple to black. If someone came up to me at that time and said, "Wow, is that your real hair?" I would say, "Actually, no, I had it straightened/dyed/permed." Perhaps some of us have a different definition of "real." To me I was excited to see Tyra with her hair looking as it naturally grows out of her head, and felt tricked that it turns out she had colored and straightened what she showed us and described as "real" and assumed we would know it was treated.

Really, I have nothing further to say other than what I said in the title: Stay in your lane! Why would a white woman who obviously has no idea about black hair decide to judge how a black woman decided to wear her hair? Bogus, all the way around. And I wanted to come through the screen on two of the commenters. One said she expected to see "something horrendous" (why does it have to be horrendous? it's just hair. oh wait, yeah, it's black hair; scary!) and another said if she wanted to be real, she should've come out in a headrag. What in the fukk? Foolishness abounds.

Da Minista "Go Back"

I have to say, I hate hate HATE gospel rap. I don't have any particular problem with the idea of it, but all gospel rap that I have heard has been subpar as far as the "rap" goes, and the "gospel" gets muddled in them trying to use slang without really using it. IDK... What I do know is that this song is no exception to that.

However, I absolutely love the message to "church folks" in verse 3. He addressed one of the main things that makes me cringe about most churches: people sit and judge those that come in "off the street" when those are the people they should be showing love to and making feel welcome so that they wanna come to God. Instead, they turn up their noses and gossip about what someone has one. Just a few weeks ago, my pastor tore into this girl (a VISITOR) that came to the altar because she had on pants. Nothing wrong with what she had on, but he still felt the need to address it (even though the very next week he made a comment about not saying anything to people that come in with pants O_0 -I'll just chalk it up to him getting old and grumpy and/or senile). Moral of the story: people are worried about the wrong thing!

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a video, lyrics or anything (after all, he's just a local *ahem* artist), but I found the song on his Myspace page! (I dunno why, but I am so tickled by that!) If you wanna just hear the verse I'm talking about, it starts at 3:00.

Anyway people, what are your opinions on the song, the message, gospel rap in general, whatever? I'm listening!

Chris Rock's "Good Hair"

 

Comes out tomorrow. Who's going to see it? I plan on going either Saturday or Sunday. Can't wait to come back with comments and perhaps a new point of view!

The Results Are In

If I had to describe today, I would call it... not the best. I got the results of a biopsy I had done last week. The results? Well, "all clear" is the only good result of a biopsy, and that wasn't what I heard. Undergoing surgery soon. Not my first surgery but it's the first dealing with internal organs (had a bone tumor removed when I was a kid).

The real kicker is that I found out who my support system is. Besides my mom, only three other people knew about it. They also knew I was scared ishless. I have been a wreck waiting for the results, and I'm really shaky now that I know the results. I was fortunate to have two really great friends that comforted me, listened to me whine, cheered me up to get my mind off of it, and called/texted today after they thought my doctor's visit was over to see how it went. They showed me that they cared and proved one of my favorite sayings, "Love is an action word." The other person... well, I didn't get that from him. I didn't get anything really. And it left me in shock to be honest. I cried like a baby all weekend because the one person I wanted and needed to hear from to tell me it would be okay was MIA. Hell, I cried like a baby just a few minutes ago (probably still would be if it wasn't for my mom).

But, I know this is for the good. I would much rather find this out now than down the road when it's too late to turn back. Adversity has a way of letting you know who loves you with their heart and who loves you with their mouth. And I'm sorry, the words "I love you" hold no weight without something to back it up. I don't love him any less. I love him more than he could possibly even know. But I gotta love Tori D. first and foremost, and she can't continue to take a backseat.

Shoe Porn: BCBG

I have a love/hate relationship with BCBG/BCBGirls. I find the cayutest BCBGs in stores, but online... well, that is definitely a hunt that usually leaves me with an empty electronic shopping cart. But I was able to find a couple pair that I would be willing to break into the piggy bank for (if my bank wasn't already busted to pieces...)
forgive the formatting; these pix would not cooperate with me! hmph!

BCBGirls Madrida ($118.00)

 

BCBGirls Amor ($110.00)

BCBG Mabyn ($225.00) I prefer the gold/brown ones. couldn't find a decent pic of those though :(

 

 

BCBG Diane ($225.00)

 

 

 

 

BCBG Fiona ($198.00)

Today's Randomness: This is creepy!

This commercial is soooo creepy to me! The whole thing just seems off to me: the music, the people-plants, everything! This does not make me want a car! This makes me... Well I dunno, but I feel a way!

And dayum if I didn't see another one of their people-plant commercials as soon as I started typing this!



Again, CREEPY!
Dayum you Toyota!

a non-poem poem

i gotta love me first
i gotta love me most
i'm the only one so i gotta do it well
depending on someone else is asking for hell
sounds sad, but i'm not
i gotta love me cuz i'm all i got

Drum Roll Please

Here are the results of me washing & braiding my hair. Although I'm not crazy about it in this pic (this was the best one I took) I do like it. The way my hair is cut made the hair in the front naturally fall to the sides, giving me this early-90s, asymmetrical look. I've been playing around with it to see what else I can do, but this may be it until the next time I wash it. Anyway, just wanted to share. :)

Natural Hair Haters

So tonight I washed my own hair for, like, the second or third time ever. In life. I'm pretty darn proud of the job I did too. (If I didn't tell y'all before, let me tell you now: I am a complete novice when it comes to taking care of hair. I don't know how to braid, barely know how to wash it, and really don't do much with it besides either wrapping it or putting it in a ponytail. But I'm learning.) As I sat down to let my mom put my hair into cornrows (I'm gonna do the lil krinkly style as seen in my pic in the last post), my dad asks "What you tryin' to do to your hair? Why you decide you wanna be nappy-headed? You doin' this 'cause of your boyfriend's hair, ain't you?" Now, because of the nature of my relationship with my father (let's just say it's less than stellar) I was ready to go off. But I kept my composure and simply said, "This has nothing to do with him. I just want something different," and went back to reading. He then began to make comments on how he sees some women at work coming through looking "rough" and he wonders why they don't "do something with their hair, get a perm?" To this i bristled. "There are people with perms looking a hot mess too. And just because you're natural doesn't mean you have to be unkempt." He took this some kinda way; I didn't care cuz his feelings aren't important.

What is important though is noticing the response that I've been getting from people when I say I'm going natural. I get a lot of "girl why?"s, "don't do it"s, and "whaaaat?!"s. It's like so many people believe that it will be some terrible experience and that I'll look and feel awful. I don't get it! Why should I be scared or ashamed of what God gave me in the first place? I've come to love and adore my dark skin and my full figure, so why not my natural hair? Why do people assume having natural hair means looking raggedy, or being militant, or lesbian? (All stereotypes and assumptions I've heard based on women having natural hair). What's with all the stigma around it? Why are WE such haters of our natural hair?

Quote(s) of the day

I've been on a quote kick this morning. Partially to keep myself motivated, but mainly to interrupt the mind-numbing boredom at work. I've been on AfricanAmericanQuotes.org, gleaning wisdom from some of our most noted leaders, activists, authors, and entertainers.

I am a feminist, and what that means to me is much the same as the meaning of the fact that I am Black: it means that I must undertake to love myself and to respect myself as though my very life depends upon self-love and self-respect.

June Jordan

Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me.

Zora Neale Hurston

Every man has a right to his own opinion. Every race has a right to its own action; therefore let no man persuade you against your will, let no other race influence you against your own.

Marcus Garvey

Deal with yourself as an individual, worthy of respect and make everyone else deal with you the same way.

Nikki Giovanni

I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.

Frederick Douglass

I do not expect the white media to create positive black male images.

Huey Newton, Huey Newton Interview

A spirit of harmony can only survive if each of us remembers, when bitterness and self-interest seem to prevail, that we share a common destiny.

Barbara Jordan

It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.

Audre Lorde

Action, self-reliance, the vision of self and the future have been the only means by which the oppressed have seen and realized the light of their own freedom.

Marcus Garvey, The Philosophy and Opinions of Marcus Garvey

You are young, gifted, and Black. We must begin to tell our young, “There's a world waiting for you, yours is the quest that's just begun.”

James Weldon Johnson

Don't be afraid to feel as angry or as loving as you can, because when you feel nothing, it's just death.

Lena Horne

A little learning, indeed, may be a dangerous thing, but the want of learning is a calamity to any people.

Frederick Douglass, Address, Washington, D.C

It is not who you attend school with but who controls the school you attend.

Nikki Giovanni

Salvation for a race, nation or class must come from within.

Philip Randolph

We have to talk about liberating minds as well as liberating society.

Angela Davis

I ain't good-lookin', but I'm somebody's angel child.

Bessie Smith, Reckless Blues

 

Transition Styles

Even though I just started on my journey to napturality (eight weeks on Friday) I know that eventually I will get to the point where I find it difficult to manage having both natural and permed hair. Even though most people do the Big Chop, I'm not that bold; instead I'll probably just do little trims along the way. But I've started looking for styles that would work for me while transitioning. Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated!
I've always wanted straw curls, and now that I have short hair, it may be an option for me. This model's hair is gorgeous!
According to the poster from Hairmilk.com (where I sto- um, borrowed this pic from) this pic shows a flat twist. I am not familiar with this, but I want to give it a try! She gives a how-to in the post "Hair Care Diary: Headscarves, Solange, and Twistouts."

I've really liked Senegalese twists ever since I firs saw them (although I just learned their real name today!). I want to try these, but I know I wouldn't want to sit there for the amount of time it takes to get it done! I'm antsy enough after 2.5 hours at the salon. Don't braids/twists usually take forever?

I may just go to my old standby method: washing my hair, braiding it in cornrows, then taking it down after it dries... I liked that look when my hair was long, so it may be cute short too...

What other transition styles would you suggest? Are there any sites you frequent or YouTube channels you subscribe to with styling tips and how-to vids?

Quote of the Day

If you are on Twitter, one person you should be following is @CoachBilal. I admit, I don't always agree 100% with everything he posts, but he will definitely make you stop and think. He provided today's Quote (or Tweet) of the Day:

@CoachBilal: SISTERS: U were BORN with UR HAIR DONE~
UR LIPS Come ALREADY LINED~
UR Cheeks & Skin Already GLOW~
U were Carved By The Infinite Beautician

 

Is that not beautiful? I think no further explanation is needed on this one :)

(Toxic) Friends, how many of us have them?

The other day I came across an article on Shine titled "9 signs your friend is toxic." I saw a couple of points that were interesting and described the situations that have made me recently re-evaluate my relationship with some of my friends/acquaintances, such as "friends" not being there for you or not having the give-and-take that a friendship should have.

Now, the main thing that has made me look at all the people in my phonebook, FB friend list, etc. is this: What do we have in common? What do we talk about? Do we see things the same, or are we able to have intelligent discussion about the things we view differently?

this is kinda addressed in the article:

5) You don’t share the same values or the same world view: It’s a red flag
that this isn’t the right friend for you if you don’t respect her for who she is.

I've come to realize out of the few people I actually associate with on a regular basis, very few of them share my interests or outlook. and if they do, they keep it under wraps well, because there is never any in-depth discourse about anything of substance. Things such as politics, the treatment of minorities & the poor in this country, education, etc. are passed up in favor of music, shopping, and relationships. Not to say I don't enjoy those things; I do and I talk about them a lot. But where there should be balance in what we share, IMO there is not. Instead, I turn to e-buddies that I've made. These people are definitely dependable when I need a laugh, style recommendations or healthy debate. Maybe it's just because we have a forum to be so random and varied in our conversations, but it definitely makes me wonder "Why aren't my folks here this diverse?" I know there could be any number of reasons, so there's no point in trying to pick out the why of it all.

So what is there to do? As I stated before, I already don't associate with that many people. Do I adhere to the Girl Scout song and make new friends while keeping the old, because "one is silver and the other's gold"? (BTW, I never got which one was supposed to be silver & gold. And is one supposed to be better than the other? And since I like silver over gold would even care that much about the "gold" friends? I digress.) Should the commonality of being in BGLOs or having grown up together be enough to hold on, or is it okay to say "Our time has passed, it was fun while it lasted" and move on? I think we (especially women) are taught to hold on to friends as "friends" even when we've outgrown them or don't have much interaction with them. After all, that would make us "funny-acting" or mean that we weren't a true friend in the first place.

I'm not sure, but hopefully through reflection I'll figure out what directions these various relationship will take. After all, the people you associate with should be a reflection of who you are. I'm not seeing anything in the mirror at this point.

"Dear White Women" (An open letter)

Dear White Women,

Before you begin reading this letter, I encourage you to discard the ghetto, attitude-laced, stereotypical "angry black woman" voice you may hear in your head. This is not that type of letter. Instead, think of it as helpful advice; a sort of "The more you know" moment.

There are several things that I think we need to clear up. Things that you do that come off.... well, a bit racist. Now I'm sure you don't intend for it to seem that way. You probably even have black friends! And that's good for you. However, for those who you don't know, there are some things to keep in mind. Here are a few of them:

1. Nobody wants your cheap, ugly purse. Okay, maybe someone does, but the majority of us, including ME, do not. So if I happen to sit two seats down from you in the waiting room at the doctors office, there's really no need to immediately grab your purse and clutch it for dear life. Even if you had a HOT Prada or something, chances are you're pretty safe in that setting, what with the camera and dozens of people around. That move makes you look like you believe all black people are horrible, violent monsters who want nothing more than to knock you over and take your raggedy bag of mints and tissue. And you don't really think like that, do you? Of cooouuurrse not. So do better, 'kay?


2. Making statements like "It's too many of them" when in a crowd of black people makes you look crazy and will get you all kinda side-eyes. Since this was an elderly lady, I'll try to just chalk it up to dementia or something. But um, get ya Nana when you're out in public.


3. I am not trying to take your black boyfriend/husband/boo/baby-daddy. Neither am I mad that you're with a black guy. That being said, what's with the mean-mug? Next time, unless something is said or done, save it boo.


4. No, you cannot just come up to me and touch my hair!! Self-explanatory.

I hope you find these tips useful. They may just help you get along a little better next time you happen to interact with someone of another race, no matter how frequent that may or may not be. :)

Sincerely,

Tori I was nice this time D.

Some females make it hard for good women

After watching these two clips, I am almost speechless. This woman's stupidity is baffling to me. Just like usually a woman scorned becomes jaded, so do men. Women like this are poison. Harsh, but true. And I wouldn't be surprised if she was one of those females who always laments that there are no good (black) men out there. SMH Just watch.

I'm Not Feeling It

I'm at home today, partially because I didn't feel all that great this morning; partially because I found zero motivation to get up and go to work. I am absolutely drained! So instead, I'm working on stuff for class (kinda... it's a slow process), resting, and reflecting on some things. Main thing I've realized is that I can't count on other people for my happiness and well-being. If I want to be happy, it's solely on me. Although it's nice to turn to them, I can't count on friends, family or my boyfriend for that. Eventually there comes a time when they aren't around and you gotta make it happen for yourself...

IDK, I'm rambling and not making much sense. I'm feeling so many ways right now and its coming out a big jumbled mess. I'll try this again later. :-/

HELP WANTED!

I need a new stylist.

For several years (dating back to high school, maybe even middle school--can't remember) I have had a great stylist: my aunt. She has a salon and began doing my hair after my father quit doing it for me & my mom. She's a really good, old school stylist. She doesn't do many new styles ("new" being mid-'90s to now lol) which is cool with me since I've never been one to follow trends-- I've always been a wrap girl.

However, for all the great work she does, I'm not sure if I should stick with her while I transition into natural hair. Not that I don't think she can handle it; I'm quite sure that she can. The thing is, she doesn't want me to go natural and is not really helpful or supportive in my endeavor. Last year when I first told her I what I wanted to do, she straight up laughed in my face (the whole shop did, actually) and told me I wouldn't do it because my hair is too thick and I don't know how to take care of it. Then after a few months when I didn't know what to do with it, her advice was to get a touch up. Kinda counter-active to what I was trying to do, no? This time around, she just kinda grinned and said "okay."

My thing is this: I don't want to deal with any kind of discouragement from the person who is supposed to be helping me. After all, this is my hair we're talking about; whether I want to perm it, transition it to natural or shave it all off, I need someone to work with me. I need positive, helpful advice about what products to use, how to take care of it between salon visits, etc. I'm finding a lot of stuff online and it is helpful, but I need someone to see what type of hair I have and what works for me.

In my search for a new stylist, I've only found ONE salon here in Jackson that claims to specialize in natural hair. I know other black salons probably have someone who could help, but I want to be in an environment where I'd be comfortable, with other women who have gone through or are going through the process I'm undergoing.

Am I putting too much thought into this? Should I just stick with letting my aunt do my hair? For others who once wore relaxed hair and have gone natural, did you stick with your stylist, select a new one, or start doing everything yourself? I'd love to know!

Yes, it's another hair blog

After all of my tweeting, debates on message boards and Facebook, and polling friends who have made the switch, I have decided to try to go natural again. I tried about a year ago. You can read about my fail here. But this time I'm ready, and I'm more determined than ever! So I figured I'd chronicle my journey here. So welcome!

The Why

1. I want to prove people wrong who said I either can't do it or won't look good with natural hair


2. I want to discover the hair that God gave me (I've been permed since I was 3 or 4, so I have no idea what my hair is really like)


3. I just want something different.

This is not because

1. I feel the need to prove that I'm super black (my skin can tell ya that) or think that there's anything wrong with having relaxed hair


2. I have damaged or unhealthy hair (quite the opposite; my hair is thick, was long until a couple of weeks ago, and very healthy)

What it (this blog) is

1. A place to keep track of my progress


2. A place for the info, misinformation, etc. that I find


3. place to gather ideas from any naturalistas and stylists who may wander across this blog

As of last Friday, I've gone six weeks without a touch-up. Yes, I'm at ground zero. The last time I got a perm was on July 24 when I got my hair cut. I went from this to this:

My thinking was that I maybe able to transition a little easier with short hair than I would with long hair. Last time I got really frustrated because I didn't know what to do with my hair while it was in transition. I'm thinking that I can do rods, twists, etc. easier with short hair, so maybe I'll have more options. Anyway, of today, this is what it's looking like:


Don't laugh at that last picture. It's been a long, tiresome day!

So... here goes. I'm excited :) Let's do this!

I am a Part of the Problem... Sometimes

As much as I love my people, as much as I hate seeing negative images of our people, I've got to be honest. I am not 100% vigilant against all of the evil, negative stereotypes that the media puts out about blacks, women, or black women 24/7. I may never be 100% all the time. I doubt anyone is. Or, if they are, I couldn't deal with them. They would be pointing out the bigotry, hatred and lies constantly and my self-diagnosed adult ADD won't allow that.

But I digress.

My point is this. I can admit--neither proudly or ashamedly--that sometimes I am a part of the "problem." I watch Real Housewives of Atlanta. I watched Real Chance of Love (first season; I've gotten worn out on these dating shows). Although I may not watch BET (save when they show reruns of The Game) I will occasionally sit down to watch a Tyler Perry movie.

Know why? Sometimes I just want to be entertained, dammit. I laugh at crazy, stupid people regardless of their race. And yes, I will laugh at ig'nant black folks just like I laugh at ig'nant white, Asian, Latino, etc. folks. I'm an equal-opportunity asshole. Doesn't being the watch-person for all things racist and wrong get a bit tiresome? I'm not knocking it nor saying it's not important. Thing is, I deal with it daily. I'm well aware that things are not all kumbayah between everyone. But sometimes I want to escape; not deal with it when I'm not dealing with it.

In my opinion (and remember, this is just Tori D.'s word so it really doesn't count for much) watching a show doesn't reinforce stereotypes. The way you live, the way you act, the way you conduct yourself; these things determine whether you feed into the stereotype.
So although I would like to see more positive images of black women on television, I strive to be the positive image for those who watch me.

But this is just my lil opinion. What are your thoughts on the matter?

12 Things The Negro Must Do For Himself

Saw this on a couple of other sites and wanted to share and get opinions on it. After reading this I was anxious to learn more about the author. Click her name for some info via Wikipedia on her; I'm still looking up more.

by Nannie Helen Burroughs

(Circa Early 1900's)

1. The Negro Must Learn To Put First Things First. The First Things Are:
Education; Development of Character Traits; A Trade and Home Ownership.

The Negro puts too much of his earning in clothes, in food, in show
and in having what he calls 'a good time.' The Dr. Kelly Miller said, 'The
Negro buys what he WANTS and begs for what he needs.'

2. The Negro Must Stop Expecting God and White Folk To Do For Him What He
Can Do For Himself.

It is the 'Divine Plan' that the strong shall help the weak, but
even God does not do for man what man can do for himself. The Negro will
have to do exactly what Jesus told the man (in John 5:8) to do--Carry his
own load--'Take up your bed and walk.'

3. The Negro Must Keep Himself, His Children And His Home Clean And Make
The Surroundings In Which He Lives Comfortable and Attractive.

He must learn to 'run his community up'--not down. We can segregate
by law, we integrate only by living. Civilization is not a matter of race,
it is a matter of standards. Believe it or not--some day, some race is going
to outdo the Anglo-Saxon, completely. It can be the Negro race, if the Negro
gets sense enough. Civilization goes up and down that way.

4. The Negro Must Learn To Dress More Appropriately For Work And For
Leisure.

Knowing what to wear--how to wear it--when to wear it and where to
wear it, are earmarks of common sense, culture and also an index to
character.

5. The Negro Must Make His Religion An Everyday Practice And Not Just A
Sunday-Go-To Meeting Emotional Affair.

6. The Negro Must Highly Resolve To Wipe Out Mass Ignorance.

The leaders of the race must teach and inspire the masses to
become eager and determined to improve mentally, morally and spiritually,
and to meet the basic requirements of good citizenship. We should initiate
an intensive literacy campaign in America , as well as in Africa .
Ignorance--is a millstone about the neck of the race. It is democracy's
greatest burden. Social integration is a relationship attained as a result
of the cultivation of kindred social ideals, interests and standards. It is
a blending process that requires time, understanding and kindred purposes to
achieve.. Likes alone and not laws can do it.

7. The Negro Must Stop Charging His Failures Up To His 'Color' And To
White People's Attitude.

The truth of the matter is that good service and conduct will make senseless
race prejudice fade like mist before the rising sun. God never intended
that a man's color shall be anything other than a badge of distinction. It
is high time that all races were earning that fact. The Negro must first
QUALIFY for whatever position he wants. Purpose, initiative, ingenuity and
industry are the keys that all men use to get what they want. The Negro
will have to do the same. He must make himself a workman who is too skilled
not to be wanted, and too DEPENDABLE not to be on the job, according to
promise or plan. He will never become a vital factor in industry until he
learns to put into his work the vitalizing force of initiative, skill and
dependability. He has gone 'RIGHTS' mad and 'DUTY' dumb.

8. The Negro Must Overcome His Bad Job Habits.

He must make a brand new reputation for himself in the world of
labor. His bad job habits are absenteeism, funerals to attend, or a little
business to look after. The Negro runs an off and on business. He also has a
bad reputation for co nduct on the job--such as petty quarreling with other
help, incessant loud talking about nothing; loafing, carelessness, due to
lack of job pride; insolence, gum chewing and--too often--liquor drinking.
Just plain bad job habits!

9. He Must Improve His Conduct In Public Places.

Taken as a whole, he is entirely too loud and too ill-mannered. There is
much talk about wiping out racial segregation and also much talk about
achieving integration. Segregation is a physical arrangement by which people
are separated in various services. It is definitely up to the Negro to wipe
out the apparent justification or excuse for segregation. The only effective
way to do it is to clean up and keep clean. By practice, cleanliness will
become a habit and habit becomes character.

10. The Negro Must Learn How To Operate Business For People--Not For Negro
People, Only.

To do business, he will have to remove all typical 'earmarks,'
business principles; measure up to accepted standards and meet stimulating
competition, graciously--in fact, he must learn to welcome competition.

11. The Average So-Called Educated Negro Will Have To Come Down Out Of The
Air. He Is Too Inflated Over Nothing. He Needs An Experience Simila r To
The One That Ezekiel Had--(Ezekiel 3:14-19). And He Must Do What Ezekiel
Did

Otherwise, through indifference, as to the plight of the masses, the Negro,
who thinks that he has escaped, will lose his own soul. It will do all
leaders good to read Hebrews 13:3, and the first Thirty-seven Chapters of
Ezekiel. A race transformation itself through its own leaders and its
sensible 'common people.' A race rises on its own wings, or is held down by
its own weight. True leaders are never 'things apart from the people.' They
are the masses. They simply got to the front ahead of them. Their only
business at the front is to inspire to masses by hard work and noble example
and challenge them to 'Come on!' Dante stated a fact when he said, 'Show the
people the light and they will find the way!' There must arise within the
Negro race a leadership that is not out hunting bargains for itself. A noble
example is found in the men and women of the Negro race, who, in the early
days, laid down their lives for the people. Their invaluable contributions
have not been appraised by the 'latter-day leaders.' In many cases, their
names would never be recorded, among the unsung heroes of the world, but for
the fact that white friends have written them there.

'Lord, God of Hosts, Be with us yet.'

The Negro of today does not realize that, but, for these exhibits
A's, that certainly show the innate possibilities of members of their own
race, white people would not have been moved to make such princely
investments in lives and money, as they have made, for the establishment of
schools and for the on-going of the race.

12. The Negro Must Stop Forgetting His Friends. 'Remember.'

Read Deuteronomy 24:18. Deuteronomy rings the big bell of gratitude.
Why? Because an ingrate is an abomination in the sight of God. God is
constantly telling us that 'I the Lord thy God delivered you'--through human
instrumentalities. The American Negro has had and still has friends--in the
North and in the South. These friends not only pray, speak, write, influence
others, but make unbelievable, unpublished sacrifices and contributions for
the advancement of the race--for their brothers in bonds. The noblest thing
that the Negro can do is to so live and labor that these benefactors will
not have given in vain. The Negro must make his heart warm with gratitude,
his lips sweet with thanks and his heart and mind resolute with purpose to
justify the sacrifices and stand on his feet and go forward--'God is no
respector of persons. In every nation, he that feareth him and worketh
righteousness is' sure to win out. Get to work! That's the answer to
everything that hu rts us. We talk to o much about nothing instead of
redeeming the time by working.

R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R

In spite of race prejudice, America is brim full of opportunities. Go after
them!