Things My Future Husband Should Know: About Being the Head of the House

Dear future hubby,

It's early on a Thursday morning. You know how I am when I haven't had my coffee yet, so sorry in advance if I ramble.

I had a little epiphany (although the word "epiphany" seems too epic to describe as little, so let's just say a moment of clarity) this morning in which I realized what I want from you concerning this whole "head of the household" thing. That phrase has always kinda rubbed me wrong, even though I've been taught from a child that that's how it's supposed to be. The thought of someone controlling me made me want to hit something and yell, "You're not the boss of me!" After all, isn't marriage supposed to be a partnership?

But I know that I've always liked it when a man takes charge. That's probably due in part to my own indecisiveness, but it also adheres to the confidence and (hopefully) wisdom that I envision a real man possessing. A man who waffles is a liability, IMO, and is likely to get cut off. Since you've made it to being Mr. Tori D. (lol) that's obviously not the case, so congrats.

Anyway, the realization that came was about my part in the equation. Once I actually thought about it, I discovered that my roles in relation to you are the same that I've been playing for others most of my life. Sounding board, out-of-the-box thinker (there has to be a better term for it than that), and cheerleader. On important issues I
want
 need to be in on the decision-making. I want to hear your ideas and share mine. Hopefully we will both agree on the course of action and go from there. If not, it's your responsibility to make the final decision and to live with it. My responsibility is to support that decision. If it works, I'll have the "you were right" cheer ready. If it doesn't, I'm going to rag you a little bit (hey, no point in lying) but then we'll figure out how to regroup and move on.

You being head of the house doesn't lessen my position. It doesn't make me your maid, your secretary, your cook or your pet...
unless we're role-playing but that's for another letter
. We are indeed partners-- in complementing, not competing, positions. Making decisions concerning our finances, kids, worship, household responsibilities, etc. shouldn't be power-plays. Becoming Mrs. Whoever-You-Are means that I obviously trust your judgement, which is why I'll have no little problem letting you take the lead.

The Anti-Social on Social Networks

I'm on too many.

 

 

 

 

(What, is that not enough? Okay, fine.)

I think I've OD'd on social networking. HighSchoolClub.com was my first taste of it, and was quickly followed by CollegeClub and BlackPlanet. The idea of "meeting" new people and learning about them without having to actually open my mouth and talk to them was intriguing to me. And I could keep up with my friends even when we weren't at school without spending all night on the phone with them. Sweet! This introvert was pleased.

The number of social sites I joined quickly ballooned. Y'all know me; I'm always after the "next big thing" when it comes to anything dealing with technology. Social networking was no exception. There was MySpace, then Facebook, several Ning sites when they were still free, and probably hundreds of little sites that I easily forgot about. Now there's the Facebook page plus two fan pages, this blog, four Twitter accounts (which I just brought down from five--how the heck did that happen?), four Tumblr blogs (but one is for business!), LinkedIn, Pinterest, Google+, Instagram, GetGlue, StumbleUpon, Flickr, YouTube...

Enough!! 

oh mr. faceless guy, how did we get here?

 

Now I'm making cutbacks. Already deleted FourSquare (which is a creepy little thing, now that I think about it). GetGlue will be gone after Once Upon A Time & Desperate Housewives season finales (what is it about those little stickers?!). Twitter and Tumblr accounts are being consolidated or deleted all together, and one by one I'm unjoining sites that I'm sure I'll never miss. And there is a reason for it all.

 

One thing that has me a little frustrated is trying to create unique content for each site. It's difficult, if not impossible. I'm friends with a lot of the same people across different sites. I know how much I hate checking my Twitter timeline, then seeing the same comment on Facebook. It's annoying! So I avoid doing that, but there's really only so much I want to share with everyone.

 

Another issue I have with social networking is that many people--myself included--are distracted from the real world by it. Even when we do venture out (IRL!) often we are uploading pix, checking in, and tweeting about who we see. Instead of, yanno, actually focusing on the experience. It's not uncommon to go to dinner with a table full of people and have minimal verbal conversation because everyone's eyes are glued to the tiny screen of their phone. Which basically leads to my biggest gripe.

 

Somehow, social networking has enabled me to be even less social (who knew that was possible?). And I suspect the same is true for many others. Who needs to call when I can tweet you or send a message on Facebook? We don't have to "catch up" because I can see your whole life online. And now, I've gotten to where I barely comment anymore! I simply like, retweet, reblog, repin or +1 it. Even I, in all my anti-social glory, see a bit of a problem with this.

 

All this new-fangled technology be darned! I am going to make a serious effort to start reaching out to my family and friends the old-fashioned way. I'm going to pick up my phone... and text.

Quote of the Day

(Quotes, actually.)

At work we're reading a short book called Habits Die Hard: 10 Steps to Building Successful Habits. It's full of tips and quotes and ways to overcome bad habits and turn them into positive habits, which can be applied professionally and in your personal life. My chapter is "Assess the Risk" (arguably the most boring chapter I could get, considering that it instantly put me in the mind of some of my business classes). Although the info in this chapter was pretty basic, it did have some quotes that I like, and they do apply to some aspects of my life now. Since I felt like they were good little bits of inspiration for me, I had to share them with y'all.

"It's not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It's because we dare not venture that they are difficult." - Seneca

"Fear is a powerful de-motivator. It limits us. It entangles us in the status quo."

"If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves." -  Thomas Edison

Randomness: Because I Know Y'all Miss It

• I haven't been writing much because my muse has said "forget this!" and hasn't given me anything to work with. The words just aren't there, and I'm not going to bore y'all with word vomit. I'm one of those folks who writes when I have something to say, not just because I have to say something. That and an increased work load are the major reason for the scarcity of posts.


• Since I am not posting as much, the blog may be making a move. Again. It will still be kinxnquirx.com, but it may be moving to Wordpress.com. Or Blogger. Yes, again. When I moved to Wordpress.org, I had dreams of using my blog as a vehicle to launch my writing career. The more I analyze what I want to do, I realize that writing isn't ultimately what I want to do career-wise. It is still a passion that I want to pursue, but not necessarily professionally. With that being said, there is no point in me spending precious dollars for hosting a site that I'm using strictly for personal reasons when it could be done for free. After all, I'm broke! I'm trying to cutback spending everywhere I can (I'm considering getting a GoPhone or a Trak (?) phone from Wal-Mart... seriously) and this is one of those possible cutbacks. Moral of the story as far as y'all are concerned, the look may change a bit but I will try to keep things as similar as possible.


• Although my muse refuses to have anything to do with verbal artistry, she is going HAM in the visual department. I wake up and go to sleep with ideas for jewelry. Not sure how much of it I'll get to implement, but I'm excited about the prospect. And business is doing pretty good too. Not like I'm bringing in hundreds of dollars a month (yet) but people are buying. A lot of my time now is going into designing/making jewelry as well as reading more about how to parlay this into a legitimate, profitable side hustle.

• I did a length check a few weeks ago and still haven't posted the pix. Tried the Carol's Daughter Chocolat too. I need to use it again to remember everything I was gonna say! So slack. I gotta do better. But I will get it posted... eventually. My interest in discussing natural hair has kinda worn off too. I think it's because I'm past the newbie stage and back to "whatever, it's just hair." Just hair that I really just want to cut off so I don't have to be bothered with it. *shrug*


• I need y'all to pray that I go on Wheel of Fortune and win at least $100K. Or that Publishers Clearing House knocks on my door with a big ol' check. Or that someone finally realizes my brilliance and hires me for a job with a six-figure salary. Whichever scenario strikes your fancy.


• We have a new guy starting today. From his name, I assume he's black. So that'll make.... 4 black guys & 50-11 white guys from Ole Miss. Woohoo, diversity.


• All February I had an IDGAF attitude. January was depression, plain and simple. I wonder what March will be? Whatever it is, I hope it involves cocktails. I haven't had a great martini in forever.


• I also need y'all to pray that my NYE trip didn't leave me with an unexpected and unwanted souvenir. Aunt Dot is playing bald-headed games with me and I don't appreciate it. Yes this was probably TMI but hey, you've read it now; don't dwell on it.


• At this point I'm just rambling, which I hate to do. Totally contradictory to my first point. So I'm stopping now.

Quote of the Day

Let emotions subside before you decide.

                                 - Joyce Myer

 

I am catching up with my daily devotional reading since I've been very lax on that lately. This morning I read Friday's devotional, titled "Let the Storm Subside." In it, Joyce Myer talks about different "storms" that we face in life, and what she has learned about them. One of the biggest things you can realize is that when your thoughts and feelings are running wild (like during a crisis), that's not the best time to make big decisions. That isn't a new concept really. That's one reason wills are created and final resting arrangements are made up front: so that family members won't have to worry about making the "right" decisions while emotions are high.

Another statement she makes is something that I've been hearing all of my life, but I've only recently begun to accept it as truth:

"[God] makes sure everything that needs to happen in our lives happens at the right time, moves at the appropriate speed, and causes us to arrive safely at the destinations He has planned for us."

During this time that I've designated as "reset mode" (a period where the focus is on getting right spiritually and focusing on myself and what makes me truly happy) I am trying to keep that in mind. Patience isn't my strong point, but my desire is to not make a move before it's time and not make decisions based purely on emotions.

For Anyone Considering Starting a Creative Business...

Ugh, it's a dreary Friday evening. Who wants to talk business? *raises hand* I do.

It's become painfully obvious to me (and probably to you if you've been following the blog long enough) that a regular 8 to 5 isn't really for me. In fact, no "traditional" job comes to mind when I think about the things I would love to do. Yes, I am still applying for jobs that seem "realistic" but what about the fantastic? What about the idea that I can put my creativity to work with my years of business education to make a living for myself? After all, others have made it happen, so I should be able to do the same... I think.

Since there aren't many options for a creative professional in most companies, starting a creative business is the most practical solution. So the challenge is where do I begin? Fortunately, one can find a wealth of info on just about everything online, so that's where I started my search. When I started looking for "starting a creative business" the first sites that came up were tips and advice from people who had done just that. Perfect! One of the best was a post on Blacksburg Belle, where 9 creative entrepreneurs shared the challenges they faced when starting their businesses. I can definitely relate to their experiences, especially the one about figuring out exactly what you love. There are a lot of things that I love, which mean a lot of potential businesses! But realistically I can't do everything. So that's a biggie. The question of "will there be enough money" is one I have too, but at this point I think that's a legit concern considering that right now there isn't...

I also found 10 tips for the creative entrepreneur on Ladies Who Launch. If you're a right-brainer who is struggling with starting your business (or even if you're not struggling but looking for ways to improve/make the process easier) this is a good read. The right-brain business plan is one that stood out to me. I never considered that my plan didn't have to be the standard plan that I learned in business school. That may explain why I've had such an ordeal trying to get it together! Now I'm researching alternative styles to determine which one will be best for me.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Note to self: This is probably the book I should've gotten from jump!"][/caption]

Finally, I found an awesome guest post on Leslie Laughs from Tahni, a photographer and artist. It's a realistic but encouraging look at what it's like to be a creative entrepreneur (really any entrepreneur for that matter). In it, Tahni basically says: you have to pay your dues, don't beat yourself up if/when you fail, and it's a roller coaster. Of course she said it a lot better than I just did, so read the post.

I've found plenty of information, some useful and some not, and I'll be sharing it here from time to time. Are you, or have you considered, starting a creative business? If you have insights, resources or your own story that you would like to share, let me know!

Stepping Away from the Search

I actually wrote this post last week, but I didn't post it lest it be seen as a "single woman ranting due to Valentine's Day" post. This ain't that.

Last week I started working on a post called "Sexually Liberated and Looking for Love." It was spurred by several things, one being a post on another blog about love being harder to find since sex is easier to get. I started thinking about it and it made sense. Maybe it didn't pay to be a woman who is open & honest about her sexuality. After all, I was living in a fantasy world, thinking adults could be real with each other about what they wanted and expected. Turns out that's not the case. Just because I can say "Look, this is just going to be sex" or "I want a relationship with you but I'm ready to fuck you now" doesn't mean that everyone is on that level. Folks still feel the need to lie and scheme their way into some pussy. Who knew?! Apparently, everyone else.

So I said, "These prudes must be on to something. Imma put the goodies on lockdown and make a man earn it." Nevermind the self-deprivation involved, or the fact that I know happy couples that got down to business relatively quickly. Not getting it in was gonna get me loved!

But the more I thought about it, the less appealing the whole thing was. Not just the idea of not having sex, but the prospect of looking for love in general. Honestly the whole process is quite tiresome. Yes the initial flirtation is fun, but I'm tired of learning about new people, trying to remember info about who they are and what they like and yadda yadda yadda. Getting used to their idiosyncracies and learning what makes them tick, which is never what makes me or any of the guys from the past tick. Trying to decipher when their silence is out of anger, shyness, sleepiness, boredom... I guess I'm just lazy now, but I'm not trying to do all that.

And I am also willing to admit that after some bad breaks, I'm a little gun-shy. I don't want to be one of those women who drags past hurts into new relationships & assumes that every guy is going to lie, cheat, etc. But I don't want to be naive and suffer the same pain over and over again. I've done that enough. In the words of Amir Sulaiman, I'd "prefer a broken neck to another broken heart."

So the online dating profiles have been removed. The offers from friends to hook me up with someone have been declined. The expectation of love, marriage and a family aren't completely gone, but they've cooled significantly. My time, energy and passion are going into my work and myself. I'd rather invest in a future with the one and only person I can count on to be there for me--myself--than waste time on a temporary feeling with a man who may be gone the next time the wind blows.