Randomness for Your Thursday Afternoon

1.       I’ve decided that I want to wean myself off of the diabetes medication and kill the need to go to the doctor about it. Really this is more out of a financial need than health concern. My insurance has $1000 deductible. Take into account that I’m scheduled for around 3 appointments a year (just for the diabetes) at just under $200 a pop, plus whatever costly extra lab work that “has to be done” at my annual checkup, I come in just under that amount at the end of the year. Soooo basically my insurance pays nothing, save for the cost of the actual wellness checkup. I don’t have that kind of money to spend. Not to mention the money for the medication and testing supplies. (And why the heck would anyone need a prescription for testing strips and lancets? And why are they more expensive than the meds? Ugh!) So for the next few months I will be stretching my meds (I’ve been doing that anyway when broke) and paying more attention to diet and exercise. If others can control it without meds, I can too!

2.       The move is on! The date has been rescheduled three times, but I will finally be moving into my own place this Saturday. The only rooms that are pretty much taken care of are the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. I have absolutely nothing for the living room. And apparently my taste is expensive (who knew?) so everything I really like is more than I want to/can spend. Idk what’s gonna happen with that.

3.       I’m excited about the move, but it is not without worries. My biggest fear is the fact that I will have to fight the evil alien insects all by myself. The second biggest fear is that I won’t have enough money to make it work. Yeah I’ve worked the budget out from all angles, but shoot, I’m still scared! And yes, bugs trump bills for me. I can’t help it!

4.       I’m still wavering on what to do with the hair. I was supposed to be loc’d up by now! But I didn’t do it and now I’m missing my long silky tresses… and my short short curly tresses too.

5.       I can’t wait to find a better paying job or get a raise on my day job. I thought working two jobs wouldn’t be so bad. I was wrong. I’m always tired, kinda cranky (more so than usual), and barely have time to eat, much less have a social life. And I dread to think about Christmas season in that store—which, I recently learned, starts right before Halloween. Yeah, think about that.

6.       Am I a failure business-wise? These days, I sorta feel like it. I haven’t been promoting my jewelry or making anything new. Between not having much time and not having any money for the new equipment I need to create what I want, it just hasn’t been happening. I’m not sure what to do. This would be business number three that crashed and burned if I give up on it. Not really a stellar track record, huh? Even though I never intended for it to become a main source of income, I did want it to be successful. It feels like I keep investing all this time (well I did when I had time) and money into things that get me nowhere.

Wife Advice: Whose (If Any) Do You Take?

The other Sunday at church I heard a bit of “advice” that I can honestly say I’ve never heard before. While mentioning how Abraham sent his servant out to find a wife for Isaac and how Rebekah offered the servant and his camels water (Gen. 24 if you care to read it), the preacher said, “If you want to be a wife, you have to be a wife before you become one. The Bible says, ‘A man who finds a wife finds a good thing,’ not a man who finds a woman and makes her a wife.” There were plenty of amens and applause of agreement. I wasn’t sure about it.

This flies in the face of the “advice” that I’ve heard repeatedly over the last 27 years, telling me and other young ladies that we “shouldn’t be acting like a wife if you aren’t one.” After all, the logic of this guidance goes, if a man is getting the benefits of having a wife without actually saying “I do,” what’s his incentive to put a ring on it? So you act like a girlfriend until you become Mrs. So-and-So.

BUUUT… There is yet another bit of council out there that says “you don’t know what it is to be a wife until you become one.” So how do I even know if I am stepping out of the girlfriend lane and into the wife role? After all, I don’t know what is and isn’t “wife” duties. Except sex, of course. Which, according to what I heard a few Sundays ago, I should definitely be doing; I want to be a wife, after all. But, wait, wasn’t I supposed to be saving that for after marriage? (Whether I did or didn’t is neither here nor there!) So what/where is the line? And since everyone has different expectations of what a wife does/doesn’t do, whose standard do we apply?

This is one reason why I do not take most relationship advice seriously. Just because someone has an opinion on the best way to maintain a relationship doesn’t mean that I should apply it. Others may use it and it works perfectly for them, but since relationships are made of individuals and no two individuals are alike, it is more than fair to say that what works for some couples won’t necessarily work for others.

If I were to give relationship advice (laughable, I know!) it would be simply:

1.       Know who you are & be yourself. Don’t conform to someone else’s ideals

2.       Know (or at least have a good idea of) what you want & don’t expect someone else to change who they are to fit your ideals

And, by the way, that advice would be to everyone. Men and women. How dare these supposed “relationship experts”—most of whom are only experts in their own minds—hurl all this advice to women and say nothing to the males? As if women are the only ones in/trying to be in relationships! I’ve never heard anyone utter anything about how a man should act if he wants to be a husband.  But whoooooo that’s another topic for another day.

Do you listen to all the advice floating around concerning relationships? Are there certain people’s advice you follow wholeheartedly? Or are you kinda stubborn like me and determined to do it your way—screw-ups and all?

Convenient Distractions

Confession: I am easily distracted. Really this isn’t news to anyone who actually knows me or has been witness to the many lapses this blog (and my Tumblr… and Facebook pages :-/) has gone through. And although it’s really easy to blame it on Adult ADD (which I may or may not have, IDK) that’s only a ruse to avoid the real issue.

The truth is, it’s so much easier to lose myself in someone else than to figure out who I am and why I am this way. It’s easier to chase the next job or career idea or new “thing I’m into now” than to take the time to discover what I want. Why? Because focusing on myself is scary. I’ve had all these ideas about who I should be and where I should be and what I should be doing. To look at myself and realize that I’ve not only fulfilled that but that I’m waaay off base… That’s scary! True, it may be is necessary, but sometimes—most times, really—I don’t want to. Just being honest.

So instead I volunteer for stuff that I probably wouldn’t if I thought about it but do anyway since I need a time filler. I spend time with friends even when I don’t want to, but they’re there and I don’t want to be alone with my own thoughts. I focus on trying to become the ideal person that my SO wants (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) because the person I am (and am not) may not be good enough—for the SO or for me. I’ve insulated myself with convenient distractions. One day they’ll be gone and I’ll have to face the music. But for now I’d rather be preoccupied than deal with the elephant in the room.

Quote of the Day

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

- Anaïs Nin

This quote is where I am, right now. Nothing else needs to be said.

Things My Future Husband Should Know: I Should Be a Priority

Hopefully this letter reaches you before you actually become Mr. Tori D. (lol) because if this isn’t already present then there’s no way that would happen. So consider this a reminder.  

I know we have our own, individual lives. I love that! You do your thing, whether it be sports, tech stuff, video games, whatever; I do my thing—crafts, reading, traveling. We are able to maintain separate interests so that we don’t smother each other and it is beautiful. However (you knew that was coming, right?) I feel a way about being at the bottom of the totem pole.

What do I mean? In short, I mean that I should be a priority. I don’t expect to be priority #1 all the time. There’s (hopefully) your relationship with God, and if you already have kids I definitely expect you to put their needs ahead of mine (within reason. Does that sound bad? IDK). But I can’t be that wife that is just there to cook and clean for you. I don’t want you to be up under me 24/7, but I refuse to take the position of waiting after you’re done with 50-11 other random interests to see if you have any time or energy to pay me any attention. If you only want to talk to me when you’re bored with everything else, or when you have an issue and want to vent, or when you're stuck in the car and can't stand silence, then we’re nothing more than associates who happen to be roommates.

Simply put, I want to know that I’m as important to you as you are to me. That’s not a whole lot to ask for, in my humblest of opinions. Just like I will put forth every effort to show that you are appreciated and a big, beautiful part of my life, I hope expect you to do the same.

"911 Call to Myself"

The other night I wrote a poem for the first time in forever. Even though I was talking about one situation in particular when I wrote it, while typing it just now I realized that it applies to another area of my life as well. I guess it's now or never, huh?

In case of an emergency
Break glass.
Shatter the confines that keep you
Locked down,
Boxed in,
Stunted.
This is life or death!
Your next breath may not come
Unless you run!
Don’t be suffocated
By the soft, overpowering comfort of the known
Or the fear of the unknown.
Aren’t you grown?
Grow up!
It’s time to do the hard things,
To loosen the ties
And hopefully avoid cutting heart strings;
To stand on your own two feet
And eventually spread your own wings.
But you’ll never make it
Without taking that very first step.
Break the glass.
Break free.
This is an emergency.

Late Night Randomness

Sooo it's almost midnight on a Friday night, and here I am, "talking" to y'all. I'm still trying to wind down from 13 hours of work. Even though I'm exhausted, I'm wide awake! The inevitable crash is coming though, so imma make this quick.

I told y'all about the new job right? Not like I finally got my dream job or anything like that; it's just a little part time gig to supplement my salary so I can get an apartment. And that IS happening. This month. As in, if I'd had time to go get a money order for my deposit it would have been paid today. My anxiety level is absolutely through the roof. I know my folks will flip out when they find out I already got the place; I'm not sure if I can control my reaction.

That's the reason I've finally decided to get help. I've talked about feeling like I needed to talk to a therapist, but I hadn't. Mainly out of fear. But this whole ordeal with moving out and realizing just how stressed it had me (I've never had anxiety attacks before this, not to mention the headaches and insomnia) made me realize that something is really wrong. Thank God for the EAP (employee assistance program)! Not having to pay for therapy (if it doesn't have to be extensive) is one burden I don't have to worry about.

Will Smith will never not be fine. (Sorry, Independence Day is on.)

My hair needs some serious TLC. Sometimes I seriously consider going back to the perm. But now I feel I have to keep it natural for a few more years, just out of defiance.

Am I the only one who doesn't gibbadamb about the Olympics? It seems that way. I haven't kept up with any of the events, but I am  happy for Gabby Douglas. I love it when young black women do the darn thing!

Okay, sleep is descending on me, time to wrap this up. Next week, new posts.... I think.