Confession: I am easily distracted. Really this isn’t news to anyone who actually knows me or has been witness to the many lapses this blog (and my Tumblr… and Facebook pages :-/) has gone through. And although it’s really easy to blame it on Adult ADD (which I may or may not have, IDK) that’s only a ruse to avoid the real issue.
The truth is, it’s so much easier to lose myself in someone else than to figure out who I am and why I am this way. It’s easier to chase the next job or career idea or new “thing I’m into now” than to take the time to discover what I want. Why? Because focusing on myself is scary. I’ve had all these ideas about who I should be and where I should be and what I should be doing. To look at myself and realize that I’ve not only fulfilled that but that I’m waaay off base… That’s scary! True, it may be is necessary, but sometimes—most times, really—I don’t want to. Just being honest.
So instead I volunteer for stuff that I probably wouldn’t if I thought about it but do anyway since I need a time filler. I spend time with friends even when I don’t want to, but they’re there and I don’t want to be alone with my own thoughts. I focus on trying to become the ideal person that my SO wants (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) because the person I am (and am not) may not be good enough—for the SO or for me. I’ve insulated myself with convenient distractions. One day they’ll be gone and I’ll have to face the music. But for now I’d rather be preoccupied than deal with the elephant in the room.
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