Perhaps It's Not PMS, But YOU

In our society women are given a free range on emotion, with the exception being anger--that is the realm of the male. We somehow are supposed to swallow everything, be quiet and calm and accepting of whatever craziness is hurled at us. A lot of us (myself included) internalize this way of thinking & decide to "go along to get along" since it's easier. Why not just suppress the negative feelings and "deal with it" through shopping or cleaning or overeating or drinking!

 But this bites us in the ass. When we do get angry and decide that it's time to say something, or even simply passionately disagree about whatever the topic may be, most men and even some other women will categorize it in one of two ways. Either you're a bitch, cut and dry, or (the lesser of two evils) you're PMSing. Because anger is so unpleasant. And of course a lady strives to be pleasant at all times. After all, aren't women here to please everyone?

 No.

 Women have just as much right to express their frustrations as our male counterparts. So why do so many feel that frustration must be due to some hormonal imbalance as opposed to a legitimate gripe? It's nothing but a means for folks to pass the blame and not take responsibility when they've wronged or hurt a woman, intentionally or otherwise. Pride (another emotion that society lets men have but question in women) wont allow them to say "I'm sorry" so instead the woman has to be made to feel unstable, emotional, hormonal, crazy.

 And the most frustrating part? Once this accusation is made & you get pissed off at that, the retort is "see, I knew it." WTF kinda circular ass, Sarah Palin brand logic is that? 

 Heres a radical idea that you may or may not have thought of. Perhaps it isn't that the woman you're dealing with is some extreme bitch or going through some hellified pms. Maybe, just maybe, the issue is YOU. Maybe you are annoying or stupid or just downright mean and have actually earned the ire you're receiving. It's likely that you'll never admit it, probably haven't even considered the possibility. But it could still be true.

 I think I should become a sacrificial lamb of sorts and just express anger and frustration indiscriminately. Yes, it goes against my (usually) calm, peaceful nature. Yes I'll be seen as the stereotypical "angry black woman" that I can't stand. Yes, I'd be labelled a bitch by some. But hey, the way I see it, that's got to be better than being told what I think and feel are nothing more than a byproduct of a biological process.

No Shame

I feel like a hypocrite writing about No Shame (which is why this post is coming so late). After all, it is meant to shed light on the stigma surrounding mental health in the black community. It is meant to say "you don't have to be afraid or ashamed to get help if you need it, or even if you think you may need it."

But that's exactly what I am. Afraid and ashamed.

I am afraid of what people would say if they knew I had to go lie on someone's couch to figure out what was wrong with me. Afraid I'd be rejected if something is actually wrong with me. Ashamed of the weakness I feel. Shouldn't I be strong enough to handle everything I do? Shouldn't I just be happy that life isn't any worse than it is? After all, life now is a breeze compared to what my ancestors had to deal with, and they didn't have any shrinks. So what does it say about me that I think I need one?

But that's just the type of attitude that keeps us from living the full life we deserve. So many times we (I) try to apply logic to something that is illogical. I can't compare other folks' struggles to my own. All I can do is acknowledge that there is something that needs to be addressed. And I can't let ideas of "white folks' problems" and "black people don't..." stand in the way of that.

Morning Quickie: Locs

the BF was lusting after her hair... and honestly i was too!

The decision has finally been made, once and for all, to loc my hair. I know you’re all just as excited about it as me. Right?! So now it just comes down to finding a loctician who a) knows what they’re doing and can explain the ins & outs of locs to me, and b) doesn’t charge an arm and a leg. I’m thinking two strand twists are gonna be the way to go, considering the length of my hair. (Will another method work just as well? Tell me. Y’all know I don’t know!) There are several things that have me pretty excited about the decision:

1.       Not having to detangle (thank ya lawd)

2.       The end of unsightly knots

3.       Not as many day to day “what to do with my hair?” issues, which are happening more and more as my hair gets longer

4.       Reduced (or eliminated?) bad hair days

How gorgeous is this?!

5.       Being able to style my hair more easily

6.       Having my hair pulled without it being completely messed up (not that that’s an issue… yanno… ummm, just in case it ever… uhhh nevermind!)

7.       The prospect of just doing something different with my hair!

But there are some other things that I’m not so hype about, like

1.       Having to learn a whole new maintenance routine, since I know nothing of how to wash & condition locs

2.       The trial & error process of selecting the right products, because everything doesn’t work the same for everyone

3.       Spending money to get my hair retwisted. I know this only has to last until the hair actually locs and then I can do it on my own if I’m comfortable, but still… I’m kinda in the poor house right now!

4.       Having to wash my hair more often. I refuse to let sweat and product buildup have me walking around smelling crazy! And the fact that I live in Mississippi (apparently we’re right under the sun!) and sweat easily… ugh, I’ll be washing every other day!

5.       How long it could take my hair to loc. I’ve heard it can take up to two years! Y’all know I don’t have patience like that. Of course it depends on the type of hair, the starting method, maintenance, etc. Hopefully my hair ADD won’t kick in before it happens.

This is the thickness I want my locs. They're gorgeous!

Quote of the Day

“How often my fear and ambivalence are rooted in what somebody else may think. But I need not present my actions, my words, myself for somebody else's approval. And basing my decisions on somebody else's approval or making my own approval contingent on somebody else's only postpones what I really want.”

 Jan Denise

I’m guilty of this, sometimes. Like right now. I have a big decision I need to make, about getting my own place. There’s pressure on both sides, not to mention my overanalyzing everything that could possibly go wrong. But the question that I haven’t really asked myself is “What will truly make me happy? What am I comfortable with?”

Like I said in a previous post, my folks did a good job on raising a people-pleaser. I want everyone to be happy with me. But what happens when the people I care about most want drastically different things? And why should it even matter what everyone else wants when it comes to my life? It shouldn’t… But the reality is that is does for me. And I hate that sometimes. Things would be much easier if I could just say, “This is what it is; deal with it.” That ain’t in me, but if I ever want to truly be content, I guess I have to make my decisions and deal with whatever consequences that come.

On the Island

I’m in a very weird place these days. For most of my life I have been the one that folks come to when they need to vent or have to ask for help. And typically I do whatever I can for them (unless & until I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, but it rarely gets to that point). But I haven’t had the luxury of doing the same. When I’ve tried to reach out to others in my moments of despair, I got voicemails, unreturned texts, and promises of getting together to talk at a later date that never comes.

Pair that previous experience with my introverted personality and you get someone who isn’t terribly comfortable sharing personal thoughts and feelings. That’s been working just fine for me. Sure there are those days when I feel like I’m imploding, crumbling bit by bit. And while that may or may not be normal (I haven’t bothered to ask around) it hasn’t been detrimental to me yet, so cool. I don’t have to rely on anyone else to make me feel better or help me through my issues. I deal with my depression in silence and then move on.

But since I’ve been compelled to let some of my guard down and be more open, I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it’s nice when someone is actually there for you, whether just to listen or to make things right for you. But it especially stings when you go against everything in you that says “hold it in!” but you try to share anyway and that old fear is realized because the ones you thought would be there for you, simply aren’t. Then what?

It’s possible that my own unwillingness to open up has caused the downfall of some of my relationships, romantic and otherwise. But when everything you’ve gone through tells you what to expect, why look for something different?

They say “no man is an island” but it certainly feels that way sometime. More often than not it is as if I’m on a steadily shrinking island, with waves of circumstances and emotions constantly encroaching on my peace of mind. What’s scarier: succumbing to the waves or desperately signaling for help with no reply?

Update on the State of KinxnQuirx

Sooooo yeah, the place has a completely new look and feel, huh?

I'm not happy about the changes.

As you may or may not know, my site was hacked. I tried to work with my hosting service, WordPress.org, and the service I bought the domain name from. No luck. I could not get that freakin black screen to go away. (Admittedly, I was offered assistance. I turned it down because I'm stubborn determined like that.) So my options were:

1. Let it just sit there while I tinkered with stuff in the background
2. Say forget it and just kill the blog completely
3. Move what I could and try to rebuild

Although option 2 was a little tempting, I decided to try to salvage my blog. But a number of things prompted me to not try to self-host my blog any longer. Mainly the facts that I didn’t have the proper protection against a malicious attack and I don’t write enough to justify spending more money for the necessary protection.

So here I am, back at Blogger. For now. Fortunately, a few months ago I imported most of my posts, and I’ve been able to add the handful of posts written since then. Unfortunately my drafts are gone. (Guess I shouldn’t have procrastinated so much about getting those done, huh?) And the pix for many posts are gone, so I’m manually adding them, post by post. Fun times!

Moral of the story: please bear with me while I try to get this thing going again. There will be some construction to the site, but hopefully it won’t take too long. Maybe this can be even better than before! A fresh start, of sorts.

Morning Quickie: I Define My Own Values

Yes, a change is definitely coming...

“Good girls don’t do that…”
“The Bible says…”
“Well we always…”
“You were taught…”

Lately I’ve been trying to take inventory of what matters to me, what I truly believe and value. It’s been a little surprising to realize that over the years–especially the last two or three–my personal values don’t totally line up with those I was raised with. Shocking, I’m sure (unless you’re someone who really knows me). No, I haven’t totally abandoned all of the ideals that my parents, teachers and pastor tried to instill in me. Nor do I think that they are necessarily bad or wrong. But somewhere along the way I grew up and realized that what was/seemed best for them may not be the same for me. After all, society is different from what it was when they were growing up. Plus (and this is the biggie), I’m an individual. My own person. A rational, thinking human being with the ability to decide what works and what doesn’t work for me.

It would be easy to mindlessly follow what I’ve been taught without question. After all, I could’ve avoided many of the unnecessary conflicts that have come up by just wordlessly agreeing with what was being spoon fed to me. But where is the authenticity in that? The self-discovery? The opportunity for growth? No, my differing opinions and beliefs may result in some not-so-smooth sailing, but coming into my own (as late as I may be) is well worth it.