On the Island

I’m in a very weird place these days. For most of my life I have been the one that folks come to when they need to vent or have to ask for help. And typically I do whatever I can for them (unless & until I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, but it rarely gets to that point). But I haven’t had the luxury of doing the same. When I’ve tried to reach out to others in my moments of despair, I got voicemails, unreturned texts, and promises of getting together to talk at a later date that never comes.

Pair that previous experience with my introverted personality and you get someone who isn’t terribly comfortable sharing personal thoughts and feelings. That’s been working just fine for me. Sure there are those days when I feel like I’m imploding, crumbling bit by bit. And while that may or may not be normal (I haven’t bothered to ask around) it hasn’t been detrimental to me yet, so cool. I don’t have to rely on anyone else to make me feel better or help me through my issues. I deal with my depression in silence and then move on.

But since I’ve been compelled to let some of my guard down and be more open, I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it’s nice when someone is actually there for you, whether just to listen or to make things right for you. But it especially stings when you go against everything in you that says “hold it in!” but you try to share anyway and that old fear is realized because the ones you thought would be there for you, simply aren’t. Then what?

It’s possible that my own unwillingness to open up has caused the downfall of some of my relationships, romantic and otherwise. But when everything you’ve gone through tells you what to expect, why look for something different?

They say “no man is an island” but it certainly feels that way sometime. More often than not it is as if I’m on a steadily shrinking island, with waves of circumstances and emotions constantly encroaching on my peace of mind. What’s scarier: succumbing to the waves or desperately signaling for help with no reply?