Quote of the Day

Let emotions subside before you decide.

                                 - Joyce Myer

 

I am catching up with my daily devotional reading since I've been very lax on that lately. This morning I read Friday's devotional, titled "Let the Storm Subside." In it, Joyce Myer talks about different "storms" that we face in life, and what she has learned about them. One of the biggest things you can realize is that when your thoughts and feelings are running wild (like during a crisis), that's not the best time to make big decisions. That isn't a new concept really. That's one reason wills are created and final resting arrangements are made up front: so that family members won't have to worry about making the "right" decisions while emotions are high.

Another statement she makes is something that I've been hearing all of my life, but I've only recently begun to accept it as truth:

"[God] makes sure everything that needs to happen in our lives happens at the right time, moves at the appropriate speed, and causes us to arrive safely at the destinations He has planned for us."

During this time that I've designated as "reset mode" (a period where the focus is on getting right spiritually and focusing on myself and what makes me truly happy) I am trying to keep that in mind. Patience isn't my strong point, but my desire is to not make a move before it's time and not make decisions based purely on emotions.

For Anyone Considering Starting a Creative Business...

Ugh, it's a dreary Friday evening. Who wants to talk business? *raises hand* I do.

It's become painfully obvious to me (and probably to you if you've been following the blog long enough) that a regular 8 to 5 isn't really for me. In fact, no "traditional" job comes to mind when I think about the things I would love to do. Yes, I am still applying for jobs that seem "realistic" but what about the fantastic? What about the idea that I can put my creativity to work with my years of business education to make a living for myself? After all, others have made it happen, so I should be able to do the same... I think.

Since there aren't many options for a creative professional in most companies, starting a creative business is the most practical solution. So the challenge is where do I begin? Fortunately, one can find a wealth of info on just about everything online, so that's where I started my search. When I started looking for "starting a creative business" the first sites that came up were tips and advice from people who had done just that. Perfect! One of the best was a post on Blacksburg Belle, where 9 creative entrepreneurs shared the challenges they faced when starting their businesses. I can definitely relate to their experiences, especially the one about figuring out exactly what you love. There are a lot of things that I love, which mean a lot of potential businesses! But realistically I can't do everything. So that's a biggie. The question of "will there be enough money" is one I have too, but at this point I think that's a legit concern considering that right now there isn't...

I also found 10 tips for the creative entrepreneur on Ladies Who Launch. If you're a right-brainer who is struggling with starting your business (or even if you're not struggling but looking for ways to improve/make the process easier) this is a good read. The right-brain business plan is one that stood out to me. I never considered that my plan didn't have to be the standard plan that I learned in business school. That may explain why I've had such an ordeal trying to get it together! Now I'm researching alternative styles to determine which one will be best for me.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Note to self: This is probably the book I should've gotten from jump!"][/caption]

Finally, I found an awesome guest post on Leslie Laughs from Tahni, a photographer and artist. It's a realistic but encouraging look at what it's like to be a creative entrepreneur (really any entrepreneur for that matter). In it, Tahni basically says: you have to pay your dues, don't beat yourself up if/when you fail, and it's a roller coaster. Of course she said it a lot better than I just did, so read the post.

I've found plenty of information, some useful and some not, and I'll be sharing it here from time to time. Are you, or have you considered, starting a creative business? If you have insights, resources or your own story that you would like to share, let me know!

Stepping Away from the Search

I actually wrote this post last week, but I didn't post it lest it be seen as a "single woman ranting due to Valentine's Day" post. This ain't that.

Last week I started working on a post called "Sexually Liberated and Looking for Love." It was spurred by several things, one being a post on another blog about love being harder to find since sex is easier to get. I started thinking about it and it made sense. Maybe it didn't pay to be a woman who is open & honest about her sexuality. After all, I was living in a fantasy world, thinking adults could be real with each other about what they wanted and expected. Turns out that's not the case. Just because I can say "Look, this is just going to be sex" or "I want a relationship with you but I'm ready to fuck you now" doesn't mean that everyone is on that level. Folks still feel the need to lie and scheme their way into some pussy. Who knew?! Apparently, everyone else.

So I said, "These prudes must be on to something. Imma put the goodies on lockdown and make a man earn it." Nevermind the self-deprivation involved, or the fact that I know happy couples that got down to business relatively quickly. Not getting it in was gonna get me loved!

But the more I thought about it, the less appealing the whole thing was. Not just the idea of not having sex, but the prospect of looking for love in general. Honestly the whole process is quite tiresome. Yes the initial flirtation is fun, but I'm tired of learning about new people, trying to remember info about who they are and what they like and yadda yadda yadda. Getting used to their idiosyncracies and learning what makes them tick, which is never what makes me or any of the guys from the past tick. Trying to decipher when their silence is out of anger, shyness, sleepiness, boredom... I guess I'm just lazy now, but I'm not trying to do all that.

And I am also willing to admit that after some bad breaks, I'm a little gun-shy. I don't want to be one of those women who drags past hurts into new relationships & assumes that every guy is going to lie, cheat, etc. But I don't want to be naive and suffer the same pain over and over again. I've done that enough. In the words of Amir Sulaiman, I'd "prefer a broken neck to another broken heart."

So the online dating profiles have been removed. The offers from friends to hook me up with someone have been declined. The expectation of love, marriage and a family aren't completely gone, but they've cooled significantly. My time, energy and passion are going into my work and myself. I'd rather invest in a future with the one and only person I can count on to be there for me--myself--than waste time on a temporary feeling with a man who may be gone the next time the wind blows.

Q&A with God

My mind was wandering one day, as it often tends to do, and I imagined what it would be like to get to sit down with God, ask a couple of questions & get an answer. Not just a "read the Bible, it's in there" kinda answer, but an "I see His lips moving & hear the words so I know it's real" type answer. Off the top of my head, these were the questions that I came up with.

[caption id="attachment_2142" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="IDK where I got this or who said it, but I like it"][/caption]

1. There are over 800,000 species of insect that we know of. Were you just really bored that day & decided to see how many weird creepy crawly things you could make?

2. Why does the "good" stuff not taste as good as the "bad" stuff? Why didn't you make veggies taste like ice cream?

3. Unicorns: fact or fiction?

4. What was your take on the whole permed vs natural thing? We made much ado about nothing, didn't we?

5. Did you make me fat because you knew I'd be half-naked all the time if I was skinny?

6. Those times when I tripped but didn't see anything, did you put something in the way? Did you laugh?

7. Why didn't my sex drive come with an on/off switch?

8. How many times did I miss out on something that should've been mine because I was too scared to make a move?

9. Thank you for letting me dodge the bullets I managed to dodge. I won't even ask about how many there were. I'm just thankful.

10. What is my life's purpose? Was it/is it being fulfilled?

So if you could have a tête-à-tête with God, what would you ask?

Quote of the Day

This is first and foremost to myself. It's not "OMG I've never thought about that; my life is forever changed" type stuff. Just a reminder of what I already know. Sometimes we all need a little push to do what may be outside of our comfort zone and make things happen.

Black History Month: 97 Years of Pissing Off White Folks

It's the year 2012. We are about halfway through Black History Month and I am still hearing the same complaints that I've been hearing for years. And it isn't just BHM that folks are complaining about. It seems that the privilege and entitlement that comes with being White just isn't enough for some. (But really, when is having it all enough? /sarcasm) No, privilege isn't complete unless others are without. And if others have anything, then that certainly infringes upon that entitlement. At least, that's the impression given from the following statements.

1. "When is White History Month? If we had WHM they'd say we're racist. That's reverse racism!"



There is a whole Tumblr blog with idiots repeatedly asking this same question. They somehow conveniently ignore the fact that the contributions of Africans and African-Americans (as well as other minorities) are largely ignored when children are taught about world history and US history. If most public school books are to be taken at face value, one could easily conclude that Blacks disappeared after slavery and reappeared during the Civil Rights era. We learn of Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks; occasionally the story of George Washington Carver making peanut butter is thrown in. That's it. If the full, rich history of all people were included in the education we receive, there would be no need for BHM. Instead, all we get is how Europeans "discovered" America (not how they raped and killed natives to steal their land), "brought" Africans to America (not the true brutality of the Atlantic Slave Trade or how they felt justified in doing so because of a false sense of superiority) and how they "built" America (conveniently leaving out the exploited minorities who actually did the hard labor).
By the way, while there is no "White History Month," there are several months celebrating those of European heritage. Irish American Heritage Month: March. Scots Heritage Month: April. Jewish American Heritage Month: May. German American Heritage Month: mid-September through mid-October. Italian American Heritage Month: October. Considering all of this, plus the fact that every month that school children learn history is "white history month," I consider it more than fair that African-Americans have 28 days to recognize our history.

2. They can have all-black schools and all-black organizations. Why can't we have all white schools and organizations? Reverse racism!

Hmmm, what is the history behind HBCUs and Black organizations? Oh yeah, it was the fact that African-Americans were being excluded from the then all-white institutions. So instead of just not receiving higher education, Blacks created their own colleges? Instead of bowing their heads and not trying to attain anything Blacks created unions, professional organizations, Greek-letter organizations? How dare we decide to create for ourselves what had been denied from us!
And point of clarity: show me one HBCU that is 100% black. There are plenty of white kids taking advantage of those diversity scholarships and affirmative action that so many White people hate. The same is true for many traditionally Black organizations.

3. You have BET but no WET? Racists!

Same as #2: Poor (or no) representation on mainstream channels. So while there is a channel that specifically have "Black" in the name, channels such as ABC, NBC, Fox, CBS, etc. comprise WET. I know, not White-specific enough for you, but somehow I think you'll survive.

4. You can say "nigga" but I can't?! Even if I drop the -er? That's not fair!

Life really isn't fair, is it? There are so many double standards and inequity in this world. For example, I can't go into a nice department store and shop in peace. Instead I'm followed around suspiciously, even though 70% of people arrested for shoplifting are White. I'm more likely to be the victim of police brutality, false arrests and criminal conviction because of my skin, even though I am a law-abiding citizen. As a Black woman I am attacked in the media on a regular basis, for everything from my appearance to my attitude to my education to why apparently I can't get a man. If I climb the corporate ladder, it is assumed that I am only there because of some "Black quota" that needs to be filled, even though I have had to work twice as hard due to my race and my gender. And you can't say "nigga" without a Black person being offended. Yes, the world is unfair. Boo-fucking-hoo.

5. What's wrong with White Power/White Pride when they can say "Black Power" or "Black Pride"? I can't be proud to be White?

Of course you can be proud to be White. Everyone should be proud of whoever and whatever they are. (Unless they're like a pedophile or something; no one should be proud of that. But that's neither here nor there.) There is a very real, legitimate reason why people are leery when they hear "White Power" or "White Pride." When African-Americans (and other groups) speak of pride/power, they speak of recognizing their own self-worth. It is the affirmation that "I may not fit the 'standard' of beauty. The world may not acknowledge my talent or my intellect. I may be regarded as less than, but I know I am not. I come from a line of proud, resilient people and I won't let anyone shame me for who I am."
However, this is not the message that is conveyed with White pride/power. Instead cries of "White power" are often associated with violence towards anyone who doesn't fit a certain look or ethnicity. White pride is used as the basis to attack others, physically or otherwise. The phrase white pride is a euphemism for a false sense of superiority, the same pseudo-superiority that was used to justify raping, killing, enslaving and degrading "savages" that they did not even attempt to understand.

Even as I typed all of this, I know that the people who need to read this won't. After all, ignorance to the truth is the same as justification for those who want to remain bigoted.

Oh, one other thing. For those of you (Black and White alike) who believe the conspiracy theory that Blacks were "given the shortest month of the year," click here. You're welcome.

My Subconscious Is Out To Get Me

I am convinced that my psyche has declared some kind of war on my mental stability. That is the only semi-logical explanation for the strange dreams I have. Truthfully I have always had rather... interesting dreams, I should say. Several places pop up over and over again. I usually dream about Mr. Magic Voice whenever a big change is coming. And I have a recurring dream about an argument with a family member that, over the years, has gone from ending with the silent treatment to ending with murder. O_O

Over the last three or four weeks, I have had almost nightly dreams featuring my exes, almosts, and boo thangs from about the past five years or so. In most of them things are almost normal between us, even though in the dream I am well aware of what happened between us. In some of them I get revenge in one way or another (usually its by being so fine they can't contain themselves & I sing "Neva Gonna Get It." *shrug* Don't ask). And a couple of the dreams would even make Pinky blush. But more often than not, I'm wondering "what the hell are you doing here?"

[caption id="attachment_2115" align="aligncenter" width="319" caption=""For real you guys, y'all can't just loiter in my head like this...""][/caption]

That was the case last night. I was at my 10 year high school reunion catching up with old friends when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was SupaBlack. He still had the same starter locs that he was wearing a few years ago. He said he wanted me to meet someone named Chris. Chris looked just like him, down to the baby locs, dark skin and square glasses. He was a few inches taller than SupaBlack, but still wasn't as tall as me. I gave him the once over, then looked back at SupaBlack to ask "Ummm, why are you here?" And it was a logical question, considering that 1) SupaBlack graduated two years after me, 2) I went to school in MS & he was in VA and 3) he would have no reason to know jack squat about my reunion. But when do dreams ever follow logic?

People say that dreams are the results of your brain trying to process all of the information you take in and emotions you experience in your waking life. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Don't even know if I believe that. After all, it's not as if I spend time thinking about these folks. I have actively tried not to think about them when necessary, and have done a pretty darn good job of repressing most of those memories. But that old subconscious just won't let me be! And how do you even fight back with... yourself? I don't think you can. Or, maybe you can, but you'll probably go insane in the process. So hopefully soon I'll go back to dreaming about crazy church folks or running from the cops. (Don't judge me!) If not, I'll know for sure that my subconscious is definitely out to get me.

P.S.: I also dreamed about Mr. Magic Voice. In the dream he & his wife were visiting my Big Momma. The next day I decided to look up his wife (who I'd never seen). I found a picture of her and she looked JUST like the woman in my dream. Creeped me out! Google is the debbil.

Afternoon Quickie: Someone Like You? No Thanks.

Y'all probably don't know just how much I love Adele. (Ironically, "Rolling In the Deep" began playing as I started this post. Pandora be knowin'!)  Her voice is beautiful, and the whole "I'm gonna just sit on this stool and sing, and you're gonna like it" vibe is everything to me in the midst of all these part-time strippers who just happen to sing.

I belt out all the songs on 19 and 21, and when things w/ Marcus (he doesn't deserve the mr. madrigal nickname) suddenly crashed & burned, I found myself all in my feelings with "Someone Like You." It was the perfect theme song to what had happened. "Nevermind! I'll find someone you" I sang through a face full of tears and snot. I don't need you; I can get another you!

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't want someone like him. After all, he turned out to be emotionally immature and--how do I say this nicely--unable to effectively communicate in an honest manner, even when presented with the opportunity to do so without consequence. (That's a pretty nice way of saying "liar," right?) So why would I want someone like him? To deal with that mess again? Umm, no! But I would like someone like his representative. You know, the person I met before I saw the man behind the mask. Someone with his positive traits, as well as the things I liked about some folks from the past. Someone not at all like him; instead, someone who is his own man who can fulfill the lingering promises of love.

"Someone Like the Person I Thought You Were" isn't really a catchy title, though.

"But What Will They Think?"

I’m a purple-haired rebel. In my mind, that is. The person inside me has plenty of visible tats, a couple of piercings, and an in-your-face attitude. With a name that has both an X and a Z. Oh yeah, the Tori D. no one sees is a real badass. But the “me” that folks actually interact with is quite the opposite, at least to their knowledge. People really only see the quiet, agreeable side. I think it’s easier for others to accept the reserved, so that’s what I give them. However, this poses a problem when it comes to expressing myself creatively.

Supposedly, I've been working on a book of poetry for several years now. I say supposedly because even though I have been writing and have plenty of pieces to choose from, I haven't done much toward getting the book started. The same is true for several of my short stories and ideas for novels. The premise is there, in all its raw, original glory. But not much has been put towards it. Do I want this? Of course I do. So what is the problem?

Well, the issue is how much of myself I expose in my work. What I write is drawn mostly from my own experiences, interests and imagination. Sharing that is a very naked experience. And while I don’t have a problem with that when it comes to strangers (aside from the usual anticipation of critiques) it is not something that I’m sure I want to let those who “know” me in on. My relatives, church members, classmates, coworkers, sorors… The question pops up in my head with every dark detail that I write: “But what will they think?”

It’s the reason I haven’t told many of those that actually know me about my blog. Or my past. Or some of my more prurient proclivities. The dread of being rejected or rebuked for simply being who I am has been a barrier for me. As comfortable as I have become (or at least say I have) with who I am I don’t know if I am ready to handle that kind of judgment. My circle is already very small as it is. Can I deal with people walking away because I’m not who or what they think I am? And perhaps they wouldn’t walk away at all; however, I’ve heard their condemning words for folks they didn’t know who were more like me in ways they would never imagine. So what else should I expect?

Eventually I either have to say, “This is who I am. Love me or leave me alone,” or I have to stifle my own creativity to keep up the façade. I don’t see the latter happening. The real Tori D. needs a release somewhere! And I think the time for that is approaching faster than I thought.

Originally posted on skirt.com

Product Review: TGIN Shea Butter Line

For the past week or so, I've had the privilege to try out the TGIN Shea Butter Sample Pack. If you didn't know, Chris-Tia Donaldson, author of Thank God I'm Natural, has launched Thank God It's Natural, a line of natural bath, body and home products. Included in the Sample Pack: a 1/2 oz. jar of all natural organic shea butter, 1.5 oz. bar of olive oil Wild Lemongrass soap, and 1 peppermint shea butter lip balm. So here is my breakdown of each product.

[caption id="attachment_2089" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The TGIN Shea Butter Sample Pack"][/caption]

 

Organic Shea Butter
From TGIN:

Our 100% Natural African Shea Butter will keep your hands, feet, lips, and hair soft all winter long. If you like shea butter, you're going to love our all natural organic shea body butter, which has a smooth and creamy texture, no grit, and a light and pleasant scent.
Rich in both vitamin A and vitamin E, shea butter can be used to treat dry skin, sunburns, cuts, rashes, eczema, psoriasis, chapped lips, dark spots, scars, stretch marks, blemishes, diaper rash, dark under eye circles, and fine lines and wrinkles as part of your night-time beauty treatment.
An ultra-nourishing spot treatment to soften even the driest skin.

Since I didn't have enough to use daily on my entire body, I used the shea butter daily primarily on two areas: my feet and elbows. I was instantly pleased with how rich and smooth it was. Trust, you don't need to use a ton of this stuff! It was a great addition to my nightly pedicure routine. After a little buffing with the pumice stone I massaged my feet with the shea butter before slipping on my fuzzy socks. Now they're nice and soft--sandal ready! On my elbows the shea butter helped smooth the spots that rub against the arm rests of my office chair. I also began applying it to a scar that is forming from a recent (and nasty) fall. I'm hoping it will help lighten that dark spot. Overall it worked great, did just what I expected it to do. One word of advice: if you're like me and tend to sweat in 20 degree weather, you may want to avoid using this on your face! In a rush one morning I forgot my moisturizer and thought "well this will do." Honey I looked like I washed my face in Crisco. No bueno. Otherwise, this gets a thumbs up from me.

 

Olive Oil and Shea Butter Wild Lemongrass Soap
From TGIN:

Our luxurious Olive Oil soaps have added organic Shea Butter. Our shea butter soaps are amazing and rich in olive oil, coconut oil and plant botanicals. They produce a rich  lather and will keep your skin soft and supple all winter long.  Contains no preservatives, animal products, petroleum products, parabens or lauryl sulfate.

I didn't really have high hopes for this particular product. After all, soap is soap is soap, right? Wrong! There is definitely a difference with this soap. As soon as I lathered up, I could feel it moisturizing my skin thanks to the natural oils infused into the soap. After the shower, my skin wasn't left feeling tight or dry like it normally does with regular soap. It made me think of the Dove soap commercials, where they show how it's supposed to moisturize your skin. Well I've tried Dove, and TGIN's soap has it beat, IMO.

I do have two minor complaints though. I hoped that this soap would work for my face so that I could possibly skip adding an additional moisturizer after washing. Instead, the soap ended up breaking my face out. Must have been the oils. No biggie; after a day of going back to my usual Clean & Clear my face was back to normal. The other thing was the scent. I think I'd rather have had an unscented bar than the lemongrass scent. If you've never smelled it, it is a crisp, earthy scent. Not bad, just not me. I will be ordering the White Tea & Hibiscus or Ginger Peach scent next time.

 

Shea Butter Lip Balm (Peppermint)
From TGIN:

100% natural lip balm, made with shea butter, coconut oil and olive oil.

The biggest issue that I have with lip balms is that most of them simply sit on top of the lips instead of actually moisturizing them. Fortunately I did not get that feeling with the TGIN lip balm. It wasn't heavy or greasy, which is always good. Would've been nice to get the little tingle that I was looking for, but it's only peppermint scented. It didn't do any miracles, but then again I didn't expect that.  Overall it's a solid product that I would use on a regular basis.

I really like TGIN's shea butter line. Whether you are a stickler for using 100% natural skin and hair care products, or if you just want products that work, I would recommend that you give TGIN a try.