"But What Will They Think?"

I’m a purple-haired rebel. In my mind, that is. The person inside me has plenty of visible tats, a couple of piercings, and an in-your-face attitude. With a name that has both an X and a Z. Oh yeah, the Tori D. no one sees is a real badass. But the “me” that folks actually interact with is quite the opposite, at least to their knowledge. People really only see the quiet, agreeable side. I think it’s easier for others to accept the reserved, so that’s what I give them. However, this poses a problem when it comes to expressing myself creatively.

Supposedly, I've been working on a book of poetry for several years now. I say supposedly because even though I have been writing and have plenty of pieces to choose from, I haven't done much toward getting the book started. The same is true for several of my short stories and ideas for novels. The premise is there, in all its raw, original glory. But not much has been put towards it. Do I want this? Of course I do. So what is the problem?

Well, the issue is how much of myself I expose in my work. What I write is drawn mostly from my own experiences, interests and imagination. Sharing that is a very naked experience. And while I don’t have a problem with that when it comes to strangers (aside from the usual anticipation of critiques) it is not something that I’m sure I want to let those who “know” me in on. My relatives, church members, classmates, coworkers, sorors… The question pops up in my head with every dark detail that I write: “But what will they think?”

It’s the reason I haven’t told many of those that actually know me about my blog. Or my past. Or some of my more prurient proclivities. The dread of being rejected or rebuked for simply being who I am has been a barrier for me. As comfortable as I have become (or at least say I have) with who I am I don’t know if I am ready to handle that kind of judgment. My circle is already very small as it is. Can I deal with people walking away because I’m not who or what they think I am? And perhaps they wouldn’t walk away at all; however, I’ve heard their condemning words for folks they didn’t know who were more like me in ways they would never imagine. So what else should I expect?

Eventually I either have to say, “This is who I am. Love me or leave me alone,” or I have to stifle my own creativity to keep up the façade. I don’t see the latter happening. The real Tori D. needs a release somewhere! And I think the time for that is approaching faster than I thought.

Originally posted on skirt.com

The Five Most Important Books that I've Read

Topic from The Daily Post

This post has been sitting in my drafts folder for a while, because I've been agonizing over this list. Really, how do you choose just five books when you've read hundreds over your lifetime? Then there was the question of "Important, how?" (impacting my writing style? giving insight to a personal struggle? just a good story that stuck with me?) and whether I should include the obvious books. In the end, I skipped The Bible (the obvious choice for a lot of people) and other pretentious sounding works like Homer's The Odyssey (but I did like that one). I just decided to go with the books that stood out in my mind.

The Handmaid's Tale
The Handmaid's Tale is one of very few high school required reading books that I actually read all the way through instead of simply scanning the Cliff's Notes. Actually, I think it was this book that piqued my interest in dystopian novels. Surprisingly, it's hard to pinpoint any one specific thing about this book that makes it one of my favorites. For one thing, it was completely unlike anything else that I had read up until that point, and I was invested in the story from page one. It was also realistic; the story was not so far-fetched that I could not see it happening (though certain aspects of it were a bit fantastic). Overall, it was well-written, and it's one of the few books that I can read over and over again.

Shifting
This is one of the most powerful books I've ever read because it assured me that I wasn't alone. There are so many times when I, as a black woman, have to shift my thinking, speech, etc. due to my environment. Where others get to simply be themselves and not give it a second thought, those in my position--hit with two minority designations--have to consider how words, actions, appearance and attitudes will affect interactions with others (those who do and don't look like us). For a while I wondered if I was the only one that dealt with that, putting on different faces for work, church, school and home. While this book did not necessarily provide answers to that feeling of multiplicity (presumably because there are none) it was a relief to know that it wasn't just all in my head. I'd recommend this book to other black women as well as non-black women and men. It may help to ease some of those relationships, or at least create a jumping point for dialog.

Naked
Like Shifting, Naked focuses on the stories of black women. This time, the discussion is about their unique physical features in their own words. Although I knew I wasn't the only black woman to face issues of self-confidence, identity and body image, it was comforting to read the stories of others. I love that this book is told directly from the perspective of black women (not an outsider looking in). And actually, women of all races and backgrounds can relate to many of the stories that are told. This is one of those books that I want to share with other women in my circle, as well as little cousins, nieces and my own daughters (should I ever have any).

Modern Girl's Guide to Life
This was one of the first non-fiction/self-help books I ever read. Honestly what first drew me to this book was the cartoonish drawing on the cover. (Yes, I sometimes judge books by their covers. DJM!) I love that this book is filled with information about such a wide range of topics. Most of it is common sense, admittedly, and it wasn't just a light, fun read. (The cover lied to me y'all!) But it is interesting and a great reference. I feel like the author did a great job with this one.

The Hell With Love
I bought this book of poetry after a break up... I can't remember which one. My favorite thing about this book is how it is divided up into the different stages one goes through at the end of a relationship (according to the authors of course). As I cycled through those stages repeatedly I went back to those poems and found a different one that spoke to me. Reading it outside of the context of a jilted lover, I appreciate the poets' differing styles and word choice. Any fan of poetry should have this book in their collection.

 

So there it is, my five most important books in no particular order. Hopefully I will have books on someone's most important list one day soon! So tell me, what are the most important books that you've read, and why?

My Biggest Fears as a Writer

I think no matter what you do, or how good you are at it, there is always a level of fear associated with it. Hopefully not enough to completely paralyze you, but enough to prevent you from just doing any old thing with the hopes that people accept it. When it comes to writing, I have a few fears. 3. Loss of inspiration/being a "one-hit wonder"
I don't want to have one great stand out among a shelf full of flops. Nor do I want to have only one solitary contribution to the literary world. Instead, I hope that once I make that first offering, readers will be eager for more. But we all know that's not always the case.  Of course, being a one-hit wonder is better than never having a hit at all. And in the words of OneChele, "Maybe some people have just one blast of perfection in them." I just hope I'm not one of those people.

2. Not having an interesting story to tell
This is somewhat tied to the last fear. Yanno those people who can go on and on with a story, oblivious to the fact that you just don't care? Or those folks who, no matter how you try to follow them, lose you to random thoughts and passing puppies? (Oh, am I the only one that easily distracted?) Yeah, I can't stand that. So of course I don't want to be guilty of being a bore! After reading books that I struggled to get through--and some that I unfortunately could not--the idea that my stories may not hold people and have them on the edge of their seat is a frightening one. Understandably, everyone won't be into the tales I tell. After all, people's literary tastes are different. Yet, for me, success means being able to pull people into the story, even if it is one to which they would not normally be drawn.

1. Being pigeon-holed into a particular genre
This may not be a bad thing necessarily, but I'm not comfortable with the idea. I'm currently working on an action/thriller novel, but then want to venture into romance (not likely), fantasy or sci-fi? I have a wide range of interests and I'd like my writing to reflect that. I don't want to be seen as just an author of a particular genre; I want to be recognized as a truly talented writer across all lines.

So those are my biggest fears about being a writer. The job now is to overcome them and use them as fuel to be great. For my fellow writers, what fears do you face? Have you been able to overcome them, or do you still deal with them? What advice would you give a novice like me in regards to the concerns I've expressed?

Quote of the Day

“All writers are vain, selfish and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives lies a mystery. Writing a book is a long, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.”
- George Orwell

Mr. Orwell gets me...

On Inspiration

I find that inspiration comes at the most inopportune time. In the middle of the sermon at church. While showering. When I'm supposed to be taking notes during staff meetings. During that limbo between being awake and being asleep. It's crazy... but not really. After all, that's usually when my mind isn't racing with 1001 things I should be doing, wish I was doing, wish I wasn't doing, refuse to do, etc. Instead I'm just kinda there, and the thoughts start flowing freely.

The other time when inspiration comes on strong is when I'm down. Let my relationship be on the rocks, or my job working my nerves. Suddenly my muse goes into overdrive. I assume it's because, in the back of my mind, I know that creating makes me feel better. Even when all I'm creating is an outlet for the messed up emotions that I'm experiencing.

Since my inspiration works on its own terms, I've learned to keep a notepad (or my phone) with me at all times, and to never be so busy that I can't stop to scribble my thoughts. My memory isn't the greatest, and those little burst of creativity are the most fleeting thoughts of all. I have to grab them when I can, and hopefully, when I get to sit down and make something of them I can make something that everyone will enjoy.