On Going Crazy

Last week I feared my crazy had run off the new beau for good. It was a rough week emotionally, although logically it really shouldn't have been. It was his birthday week and I'd done a pretty good job of holding it all together, indulging him and putting on a happy face from Sunday up until late Thursday evening. Then came a serious shift in mood, stemming from perceived lack of attention. (And yes, I knew it was irrational; even while pouting about it my more rational side was sitting there like "Really? You know this is BS right?")

Then Friday... *sigh* What should have been a great day--homecoming weekend, day off work--was a series of disappointments. In and of themselves, these would have been so inconsequential... but in the throws of my insanity trip, it ended up being the culmination of all that was wrong in my world. Essentially, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was at his house and out of nowhere I started crying--sobbing, really. Of course, he figured it was the latest little frustration that sent me over the edge and tried to fix it but... it was no use. I was mentally, emotionally, and almost physically down for the count. I went home, didn't call him like I said I would. When he called late that night after work, I was afraid to answer the phone. I was embarrassed, and sure that he didn't want to deal with me anymore. My little speech was all prepared and ready to go, but all I got out was "I'm sorry." He interjected and said, "It's cool. I know you're stressed right now. You just need to relax. Maybe talk to someone about it."

I knew exactly what he meant when he said "talk to someone." I've considered it. I know people who have said talking to a psychologist or counselor or whatever was helpful. I'd never knock it, but I don't even know what I'd say. "I'm almost finished with my 2nd degree, have a really good guy in my life, and two decent jobs. Woe is me!" I feel petty, and think anyone I talked to would think the same. And considering the fact that I really don't know what the problem is, how could it even be fixed? Logically, I should be happy as hell! And usually I am pretty happy on the surface. Stuff kinda simmers under the surface and usually it dies down... or boils over like it did Friday.

My attempts to control my crazy aren't getting the best results, but could someone else really do better?

crumbling

I usually don't post my poetry on here... Most of that is intensely personal. This piece is no different, but I felt like it needed to be shared. Wrote this a couple days ago when I was deep in my funk.


i wonder if other people feel themselves
going crazy

guess everything crumbles over time
just like the great ancient structures succumb
so, apparently, has my mind

that's what happens when shit crumbles
a fragment here,
fragment there
you may glue them back
but there are still cracks
still holes
still tiny bits of me that will never be complete

sanity isnt finite

i laugh to keep from crying
but i end up doing both
and looking crazier than i really am

damn.

i am a jagged edge of emotion
ready to jab, cut, kill
someone
anyone
me

i'm something like crazy
crazy bitch
and perhaps i deserve it
i've done some trifling shit

guilt is a heavy weight
i'm weak.
i can't handle it
not when i have other shit to deal with
other burdens to carry
i can only take so much before i.....

escape!
i just want to escape
myself.

i am full of venom...
bitter
potent
i consume others as it paralyzes me

i am falling apart
pieces are everywhere
no one cares
enough to pick them up

i've come undone,
irreparably

i'm cr
u
m
bl i
n

g