Little Annoyances

I’ve realized I may never date again. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it’s highly probable. That’s because there are more and more little pet peeves that get to me these days. Maybe it’s because I’m just jaded about the dating pool in this area. Maybe I’m just being overly picky so as to avoid getting close to anyone, thereby avoiding getting hurt. Who’s to say? Not you. Don’t judge me!

Sorry.

Anyway, in the year that I was single and the weeks that I’ve been single this go round I’ve noticed things that turn me completely off. Things that may or may not be a big deal to others—and weren’t a big deal to me at one time but now are deal breakers. Overboard? Perhaps. But these are the things that get a DNA (Do Not Answer) placed beside a guy’s name these days.

Indecisive Men (aka “Come Chill” Guys)
If I say “pick a place” or “let me know what you decide” or “what do you want to do?” the correct answer is not “whatever you want to do,” “I don’t care,” or “your choice.” My choice was to have YOU decide! Fellas, there is a difference between being considerate of a lady’s wishes and simply being unable and/or unwilling to make any kind of plans. And trust, “come to my place and chill” is not plans (unless we’re already dating and comfy like that). Where is the effort in that? All on me, that’s where. Because, if I were to oblige, I’d have to get up, get dressed, use my gas to come to your place and then… What? Watch a movie I coulda watched at home in my undies? Sit idly while you play games or talk to your boys? Refute your pathetic attempts at getting some since you have some silly notion that chilling = smanging? Naw. Just… naw.

Starting with the Pet Names From Jump
If you just got my number/just got your FB friend request accepted, the first message I get from you should not have boo, baby, love, etc. in it. “Tori” works just fine until we’re cool like that. Sweetie is somewhat acceptable unless it’s overused. And I use Hun indiscriminately, but if I guy uses it I kinda give it the side-eye. The pet names show a level of comfort and commonality that I’m just not cool with from the gate. I need a minute to decide if I even like you before I respond to you calling me “boo.” It makes me feel icky.

Text Speak 24/7
How much time are you really saving by typing r instead of are? 2 instead of to/too? Why the heck are you, as a “grown man” writing mii for me? (Or is it my? I don’t even know!) Occasionally is fine, but if I have to pull out a cheat sheet to decode all of your texts, I’ll just stop trying.

Approaching Me Sexually
I think this is one of those older/wiser things. Shamefully, when I was younger, a crass remark would be met with laughter even if I wasn’t really feeling the guy. Can’t explain why; maybe it was some combo of taking the attention as “flattering” and a faltering self-esteem. Or it could’ve just been that I didn’t care that folks knew my sense of humor went all the way to xxx-rated. And yes, it still does, but approaching me like that now on a good day will get you ignored. On a bad day? Cussed clean out. (God ain’t through with me yet LOL) When the first thing a guy has to tell me about is his dick game, it lets me know that’s all you’ve got going for yourself—and it’s probably just delusions of grandeur. Further, I figure he’s probably still living in his mom’s house with no job, no car, and no aspirations save getting someone so dickmatized that she’ll put up with the BS. Again: Naw. Just… naw.

I think there are more. In fact I’m pretty sure of it. But since I don’t want to come off as too crazy picky (and because I’m supposed to be working) I’ll cut it off here. As you’ve gotten older, have you developed more pet peeves when it comes to dating?

Hard Lessons in Decision Making

There’s something really embarrassing about the whole moving into my own place adventure. I feel like I’d be remiss to not share what I’ve learned from it, but for it to make sense I have to delve into that unfortunateness. I’ve probably told worse on this blog, so this should be nothing in the grand scheme of things. Right now it kinda feels like a punch in the gut.

What pushed me to get my own place was the fact that I had an awesome boyfriend who I wanted to spend time with & wanted to spend time with me. A lot of time. Time that my folks were not comfortable with. Their constant questioning about where I was, who I was with and what I was doing frustrated me. Although I knew the bigger issue (their unwillingness to treat me like the old maid adult I am versus my inability to speak up for myself), it was wanting to be with him at whatever time of day or night I chose that drove me to my little one bedroom haven. I got a second job to make ends meet, went through the apartment search, and signed the paperwork.

And then we broke up.

So now I have an awesome apartment and no boyfriend. If it ain’t one thing it’s another, quite literally in this case. BUT I say all of that (with a grimace on my face and one finger hovering over the backspace button to act like this post never happened) to say that a couple of valuable lessons on decision making have come out of this. So here they are:

BE SELFISH
Yeah, other people’s happiness is great. But is it great for you when you focus so much on what others want that your own needs and wants go lacking? (If you don’t know the answer, it’s no.) I try to put other people first because I love seeing those I care about happy. But damn if this didn’t wake me up to the fact that putting myself on the backburner for other people’s pleasure doesn’t leave me with anything but resentment and questions of “what if I’d done what I wanted to do?”

HONESTLY EVALUATE YOUR MOTIVES
When you know why you do what you do—or are thinking of doing—it can put things into perspective for you. Knowing your motives opens your mind to questions like: Am I making the right choice? Is there a better way to go? Will this reason seem silly in a month or in a year? Am I acting rationally or emotionally?

THINK THROUGH EVERY SCENARIO YOU CAN IMAGINE
Fortunately for me I thought of a wide variety of possibilities (although honestly, the breakup and ensuing feelings of loneliness in a spot by myself was not one of them). But before and even after a decision is made, consider some alternate potential situations. You’ll never be fully prepared for everything, but you should have some backup plans. One or two things may catch you off guard, but being ill-prepared guarantees that something will.

MAKE IT WORK
So you made a decision and thought it would be total awesomesauce, but somehow it’s fallen short of your expectations. It’s okay, Hun! Breathe! (Actually I’m telling myself this, but you go ahead and breathe too.) It’s not the end of the world. You have to figure out how to make it work, at least until you’re able to do something better for yourself.  Tap into your own resilience, creativity and network of positive people to come up with whatever solution or plan you need to be satisfied in your present state.

DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE
Or thrice, or…. fource? Moral of the story, don’t repeat avoidable mistakes! Whatever lessons you’ve learned from past decisions—the good and not-so-good ones—should help you make better decisions. If not, you didn’t really learn anything boo! It’s like math: if you don’t grasp multiplication and division in elementary, how will you deal with calculus? Deal with what happens, file it in your mind, and retrieve it when necessary.

So that’s what I’ve learned from this little experience. I’m still thrilled that I made the decision I did. Every time I walk through the door, I stop and say “aaah, this is mine!” That in and of itself lets me know that this was a good choice, even if it wasn’t necessarily for the right reasons.

Tori D. and the Bachelorette Pad

clearly this ain't my place, but i like it

I told y'all I was gonna do it, and I did it. I finally got my own place! It's still disappointing that I didn't find a house that I wanted and could afford, but I'm definitely happy with my little spot. It feels like I'm on vacation or something. I have to keep reminding myself, "I don't have to go home; I am home!" It's only been a little over a week, so I don't have any wild shenanigans to report just yet. Give me some time. Maybe once my furniture finally gets here (tomorrow!) I'll have a huge party few people over. Haven't spotted any cuties, although the guy in the neighboring apartment complex that drives the yellow crotch rocket has potential. Haven't had time to do a whole lot yet, but I've learned a few things in my short time:

1. There is such a thing as too quiet
For the first three days I had no cable and the little wifi service I was using was garbage. Longest. Three. Days. Ever. I pulled out a little stereo that I haven't used since college just to have some noise. I love quiet solitude, but my goodness. That was unbearable! Yeah, being alone with your thoughts is necessary at times; and true, that time could have been (and sometimes was) used productively. But that little time cut off from civilization (lol) made me realize I need some kinda company. Which means I'll probably be getting a puppy soon, whenever I can figure out which one I want and if I can really afford it.

2. Small kitchens take some getting used to
My mom's kitchen has spoiled me! It's so spacious; there's plenty of storage and work space. Not so in my tiny little galley kitchen. Trying to clean up as I cook to make room is no fun. Plus I'm just not inspired. I need a kitchen that makes me want to cook! This one makes me want to order out. LOL I have a whole new respect for my mom, since she worked in a kitchen not much bigger than this one at the very first house I grew up in. God bless her!

3. I'm lazy
Okay, that's not really a new lesson. And it's not entirely true. Working two jobs leaves me exhausted. Even when I haven't worked that night I want to do nothing else but crawl into bed and pass out. You'd think that with my new found freedom I'd be out living it up! Not so. No one ever accused me of being too social, but I've barely even felt like getting online, much less going out. How am I so old when I'm only 27 25 3.0?

4. Moving is expensive, yo
Like, that's self-explanatory. This experience has me looking at my bank account reminiscing about the good old days.