Little Annoyances

I’ve realized I may never date again. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it’s highly probable. That’s because there are more and more little pet peeves that get to me these days. Maybe it’s because I’m just jaded about the dating pool in this area. Maybe I’m just being overly picky so as to avoid getting close to anyone, thereby avoiding getting hurt. Who’s to say? Not you. Don’t judge me!

Sorry.

Anyway, in the year that I was single and the weeks that I’ve been single this go round I’ve noticed things that turn me completely off. Things that may or may not be a big deal to others—and weren’t a big deal to me at one time but now are deal breakers. Overboard? Perhaps. But these are the things that get a DNA (Do Not Answer) placed beside a guy’s name these days.

Indecisive Men (aka “Come Chill” Guys)
If I say “pick a place” or “let me know what you decide” or “what do you want to do?” the correct answer is not “whatever you want to do,” “I don’t care,” or “your choice.” My choice was to have YOU decide! Fellas, there is a difference between being considerate of a lady’s wishes and simply being unable and/or unwilling to make any kind of plans. And trust, “come to my place and chill” is not plans (unless we’re already dating and comfy like that). Where is the effort in that? All on me, that’s where. Because, if I were to oblige, I’d have to get up, get dressed, use my gas to come to your place and then… What? Watch a movie I coulda watched at home in my undies? Sit idly while you play games or talk to your boys? Refute your pathetic attempts at getting some since you have some silly notion that chilling = smanging? Naw. Just… naw.

Starting with the Pet Names From Jump
If you just got my number/just got your FB friend request accepted, the first message I get from you should not have boo, baby, love, etc. in it. “Tori” works just fine until we’re cool like that. Sweetie is somewhat acceptable unless it’s overused. And I use Hun indiscriminately, but if I guy uses it I kinda give it the side-eye. The pet names show a level of comfort and commonality that I’m just not cool with from the gate. I need a minute to decide if I even like you before I respond to you calling me “boo.” It makes me feel icky.

Text Speak 24/7
How much time are you really saving by typing r instead of are? 2 instead of to/too? Why the heck are you, as a “grown man” writing mii for me? (Or is it my? I don’t even know!) Occasionally is fine, but if I have to pull out a cheat sheet to decode all of your texts, I’ll just stop trying.

Approaching Me Sexually
I think this is one of those older/wiser things. Shamefully, when I was younger, a crass remark would be met with laughter even if I wasn’t really feeling the guy. Can’t explain why; maybe it was some combo of taking the attention as “flattering” and a faltering self-esteem. Or it could’ve just been that I didn’t care that folks knew my sense of humor went all the way to xxx-rated. And yes, it still does, but approaching me like that now on a good day will get you ignored. On a bad day? Cussed clean out. (God ain’t through with me yet LOL) When the first thing a guy has to tell me about is his dick game, it lets me know that’s all you’ve got going for yourself—and it’s probably just delusions of grandeur. Further, I figure he’s probably still living in his mom’s house with no job, no car, and no aspirations save getting someone so dickmatized that she’ll put up with the BS. Again: Naw. Just… naw.

I think there are more. In fact I’m pretty sure of it. But since I don’t want to come off as too crazy picky (and because I’m supposed to be working) I’ll cut it off here. As you’ve gotten older, have you developed more pet peeves when it comes to dating?

Hard Lessons in Decision Making

There’s something really embarrassing about the whole moving into my own place adventure. I feel like I’d be remiss to not share what I’ve learned from it, but for it to make sense I have to delve into that unfortunateness. I’ve probably told worse on this blog, so this should be nothing in the grand scheme of things. Right now it kinda feels like a punch in the gut.

What pushed me to get my own place was the fact that I had an awesome boyfriend who I wanted to spend time with & wanted to spend time with me. A lot of time. Time that my folks were not comfortable with. Their constant questioning about where I was, who I was with and what I was doing frustrated me. Although I knew the bigger issue (their unwillingness to treat me like the old maid adult I am versus my inability to speak up for myself), it was wanting to be with him at whatever time of day or night I chose that drove me to my little one bedroom haven. I got a second job to make ends meet, went through the apartment search, and signed the paperwork.

And then we broke up.

So now I have an awesome apartment and no boyfriend. If it ain’t one thing it’s another, quite literally in this case. BUT I say all of that (with a grimace on my face and one finger hovering over the backspace button to act like this post never happened) to say that a couple of valuable lessons on decision making have come out of this. So here they are:

BE SELFISH
Yeah, other people’s happiness is great. But is it great for you when you focus so much on what others want that your own needs and wants go lacking? (If you don’t know the answer, it’s no.) I try to put other people first because I love seeing those I care about happy. But damn if this didn’t wake me up to the fact that putting myself on the backburner for other people’s pleasure doesn’t leave me with anything but resentment and questions of “what if I’d done what I wanted to do?”

HONESTLY EVALUATE YOUR MOTIVES
When you know why you do what you do—or are thinking of doing—it can put things into perspective for you. Knowing your motives opens your mind to questions like: Am I making the right choice? Is there a better way to go? Will this reason seem silly in a month or in a year? Am I acting rationally or emotionally?

THINK THROUGH EVERY SCENARIO YOU CAN IMAGINE
Fortunately for me I thought of a wide variety of possibilities (although honestly, the breakup and ensuing feelings of loneliness in a spot by myself was not one of them). But before and even after a decision is made, consider some alternate potential situations. You’ll never be fully prepared for everything, but you should have some backup plans. One or two things may catch you off guard, but being ill-prepared guarantees that something will.

MAKE IT WORK
So you made a decision and thought it would be total awesomesauce, but somehow it’s fallen short of your expectations. It’s okay, Hun! Breathe! (Actually I’m telling myself this, but you go ahead and breathe too.) It’s not the end of the world. You have to figure out how to make it work, at least until you’re able to do something better for yourself.  Tap into your own resilience, creativity and network of positive people to come up with whatever solution or plan you need to be satisfied in your present state.

DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE
Or thrice, or…. fource? Moral of the story, don’t repeat avoidable mistakes! Whatever lessons you’ve learned from past decisions—the good and not-so-good ones—should help you make better decisions. If not, you didn’t really learn anything boo! It’s like math: if you don’t grasp multiplication and division in elementary, how will you deal with calculus? Deal with what happens, file it in your mind, and retrieve it when necessary.

So that’s what I’ve learned from this little experience. I’m still thrilled that I made the decision I did. Every time I walk through the door, I stop and say “aaah, this is mine!” That in and of itself lets me know that this was a good choice, even if it wasn’t necessarily for the right reasons.

Tori D. and the Bachelorette Pad

clearly this ain't my place, but i like it

I told y'all I was gonna do it, and I did it. I finally got my own place! It's still disappointing that I didn't find a house that I wanted and could afford, but I'm definitely happy with my little spot. It feels like I'm on vacation or something. I have to keep reminding myself, "I don't have to go home; I am home!" It's only been a little over a week, so I don't have any wild shenanigans to report just yet. Give me some time. Maybe once my furniture finally gets here (tomorrow!) I'll have a huge party few people over. Haven't spotted any cuties, although the guy in the neighboring apartment complex that drives the yellow crotch rocket has potential. Haven't had time to do a whole lot yet, but I've learned a few things in my short time:

1. There is such a thing as too quiet
For the first three days I had no cable and the little wifi service I was using was garbage. Longest. Three. Days. Ever. I pulled out a little stereo that I haven't used since college just to have some noise. I love quiet solitude, but my goodness. That was unbearable! Yeah, being alone with your thoughts is necessary at times; and true, that time could have been (and sometimes was) used productively. But that little time cut off from civilization (lol) made me realize I need some kinda company. Which means I'll probably be getting a puppy soon, whenever I can figure out which one I want and if I can really afford it.

2. Small kitchens take some getting used to
My mom's kitchen has spoiled me! It's so spacious; there's plenty of storage and work space. Not so in my tiny little galley kitchen. Trying to clean up as I cook to make room is no fun. Plus I'm just not inspired. I need a kitchen that makes me want to cook! This one makes me want to order out. LOL I have a whole new respect for my mom, since she worked in a kitchen not much bigger than this one at the very first house I grew up in. God bless her!

3. I'm lazy
Okay, that's not really a new lesson. And it's not entirely true. Working two jobs leaves me exhausted. Even when I haven't worked that night I want to do nothing else but crawl into bed and pass out. You'd think that with my new found freedom I'd be out living it up! Not so. No one ever accused me of being too social, but I've barely even felt like getting online, much less going out. How am I so old when I'm only 27 25 3.0?

4. Moving is expensive, yo
Like, that's self-explanatory. This experience has me looking at my bank account reminiscing about the good old days.

Randomness for Your Thursday Afternoon

1.       I’ve decided that I want to wean myself off of the diabetes medication and kill the need to go to the doctor about it. Really this is more out of a financial need than health concern. My insurance has $1000 deductible. Take into account that I’m scheduled for around 3 appointments a year (just for the diabetes) at just under $200 a pop, plus whatever costly extra lab work that “has to be done” at my annual checkup, I come in just under that amount at the end of the year. Soooo basically my insurance pays nothing, save for the cost of the actual wellness checkup. I don’t have that kind of money to spend. Not to mention the money for the medication and testing supplies. (And why the heck would anyone need a prescription for testing strips and lancets? And why are they more expensive than the meds? Ugh!) So for the next few months I will be stretching my meds (I’ve been doing that anyway when broke) and paying more attention to diet and exercise. If others can control it without meds, I can too!

2.       The move is on! The date has been rescheduled three times, but I will finally be moving into my own place this Saturday. The only rooms that are pretty much taken care of are the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. I have absolutely nothing for the living room. And apparently my taste is expensive (who knew?) so everything I really like is more than I want to/can spend. Idk what’s gonna happen with that.

3.       I’m excited about the move, but it is not without worries. My biggest fear is the fact that I will have to fight the evil alien insects all by myself. The second biggest fear is that I won’t have enough money to make it work. Yeah I’ve worked the budget out from all angles, but shoot, I’m still scared! And yes, bugs trump bills for me. I can’t help it!

4.       I’m still wavering on what to do with the hair. I was supposed to be loc’d up by now! But I didn’t do it and now I’m missing my long silky tresses… and my short short curly tresses too.

5.       I can’t wait to find a better paying job or get a raise on my day job. I thought working two jobs wouldn’t be so bad. I was wrong. I’m always tired, kinda cranky (more so than usual), and barely have time to eat, much less have a social life. And I dread to think about Christmas season in that store—which, I recently learned, starts right before Halloween. Yeah, think about that.

6.       Am I a failure business-wise? These days, I sorta feel like it. I haven’t been promoting my jewelry or making anything new. Between not having much time and not having any money for the new equipment I need to create what I want, it just hasn’t been happening. I’m not sure what to do. This would be business number three that crashed and burned if I give up on it. Not really a stellar track record, huh? Even though I never intended for it to become a main source of income, I did want it to be successful. It feels like I keep investing all this time (well I did when I had time) and money into things that get me nowhere.

Wife Advice: Whose (If Any) Do You Take?

The other Sunday at church I heard a bit of “advice” that I can honestly say I’ve never heard before. While mentioning how Abraham sent his servant out to find a wife for Isaac and how Rebekah offered the servant and his camels water (Gen. 24 if you care to read it), the preacher said, “If you want to be a wife, you have to be a wife before you become one. The Bible says, ‘A man who finds a wife finds a good thing,’ not a man who finds a woman and makes her a wife.” There were plenty of amens and applause of agreement. I wasn’t sure about it.

This flies in the face of the “advice” that I’ve heard repeatedly over the last 27 years, telling me and other young ladies that we “shouldn’t be acting like a wife if you aren’t one.” After all, the logic of this guidance goes, if a man is getting the benefits of having a wife without actually saying “I do,” what’s his incentive to put a ring on it? So you act like a girlfriend until you become Mrs. So-and-So.

BUUUT… There is yet another bit of council out there that says “you don’t know what it is to be a wife until you become one.” So how do I even know if I am stepping out of the girlfriend lane and into the wife role? After all, I don’t know what is and isn’t “wife” duties. Except sex, of course. Which, according to what I heard a few Sundays ago, I should definitely be doing; I want to be a wife, after all. But, wait, wasn’t I supposed to be saving that for after marriage? (Whether I did or didn’t is neither here nor there!) So what/where is the line? And since everyone has different expectations of what a wife does/doesn’t do, whose standard do we apply?

This is one reason why I do not take most relationship advice seriously. Just because someone has an opinion on the best way to maintain a relationship doesn’t mean that I should apply it. Others may use it and it works perfectly for them, but since relationships are made of individuals and no two individuals are alike, it is more than fair to say that what works for some couples won’t necessarily work for others.

If I were to give relationship advice (laughable, I know!) it would be simply:

1.       Know who you are & be yourself. Don’t conform to someone else’s ideals

2.       Know (or at least have a good idea of) what you want & don’t expect someone else to change who they are to fit your ideals

And, by the way, that advice would be to everyone. Men and women. How dare these supposed “relationship experts”—most of whom are only experts in their own minds—hurl all this advice to women and say nothing to the males? As if women are the only ones in/trying to be in relationships! I’ve never heard anyone utter anything about how a man should act if he wants to be a husband.  But whoooooo that’s another topic for another day.

Do you listen to all the advice floating around concerning relationships? Are there certain people’s advice you follow wholeheartedly? Or are you kinda stubborn like me and determined to do it your way—screw-ups and all?

Convenient Distractions

Confession: I am easily distracted. Really this isn’t news to anyone who actually knows me or has been witness to the many lapses this blog (and my Tumblr… and Facebook pages :-/) has gone through. And although it’s really easy to blame it on Adult ADD (which I may or may not have, IDK) that’s only a ruse to avoid the real issue.

The truth is, it’s so much easier to lose myself in someone else than to figure out who I am and why I am this way. It’s easier to chase the next job or career idea or new “thing I’m into now” than to take the time to discover what I want. Why? Because focusing on myself is scary. I’ve had all these ideas about who I should be and where I should be and what I should be doing. To look at myself and realize that I’ve not only fulfilled that but that I’m waaay off base… That’s scary! True, it may be is necessary, but sometimes—most times, really—I don’t want to. Just being honest.

So instead I volunteer for stuff that I probably wouldn’t if I thought about it but do anyway since I need a time filler. I spend time with friends even when I don’t want to, but they’re there and I don’t want to be alone with my own thoughts. I focus on trying to become the ideal person that my SO wants (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) because the person I am (and am not) may not be good enough—for the SO or for me. I’ve insulated myself with convenient distractions. One day they’ll be gone and I’ll have to face the music. But for now I’d rather be preoccupied than deal with the elephant in the room.

Quote of the Day

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

- Anaïs Nin

This quote is where I am, right now. Nothing else needs to be said.